


Healing His Heart

by TheMilahsKillyBear



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, F/M, Hallucinations, Kidnapping, Medical Trauma, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-07-23 06:16:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16153307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMilahsKillyBear/pseuds/TheMilahsKillyBear
Summary: Killian Jones had been born with a weak heart. No one could understand why, since it didn’t run in the family, on either side. The doctors said it might progress to the point of him needing a transplant, but with any luck, that wouldn’t happen until he was an old man. Luck was not on Killian’s side. Can Emma Swan, his newest cardiologist, convince him that his life is still worth living despite everything he lost?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here it is! Months of work, of anguish over this story, thinking I might never get it done, and now it’s time to share it with all of you! I hope you all enjoy it, I think there’s a little something for everyone in this work. Many thanks to @downeystarkjr on Tumblr for her incredible, amazing artwork, to @sambethe and the other mods of @captainswanbigbang on Tumblr for putting this event together, and finally to the creators of the show for giving us characters to put through hell and back. 
> 
> Chapter Summary: Brennan Jones kidnaps his sons, and after living with him for many years, the brothers Jones are forced to work off their father’s debts after his death and their misfortunes continue to grow.

In the dead of night, Brennan Jones packed up his sons’ bags and then woke the boys, Liam and Killian. His wife was at work at a local diner, and this was the perfect time for him to leave with the boys. He had learned that his wife was going to divorce him and sue for custody of his sons. Brennan wasn’t about to let that happen. The boys were his, and he wasn’t about to let a woman raise them. 

“Papa?” Killian, his five year old son, rubbed at his eyes. “Where’s Mam?”

“She’s waiting for us in our new home, son. That’s why we have to hurry. We can’t leave her waiting too long, can we?” Brennan asked, the lie rolling off his tongue easily. 

“Come on, Killian, it’s going to be an adventure.” Liam, who was eight years old, said with a sleepy smile, taking his father’s words at face value. 

“But… Mam went to work. She said she was going to be back when we woke up…” Killian protested, looking terrified at the thought of leaving home without his mother.

Brennan held back an aggravated sigh and crouched down beside the little boy, reaching out to pull Killian into his arms. Killian nearly pulled back, but stopped himself and looked up into his father’s face. 

“Your mother will be there, son, I promise. You don’t want to stay in this little place forever, do you? Don’t you want to see the world?” Brennan asked, a smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. He was less fond of Killian than he was of Liam, who was stronger than his youngest. 

“Yes, but what about Mam?” Killian asked, tearing up now. He didn’t want to lose his mother; they were terribly close, closer than Brennan and Liam were. 

“She’s waiting for us, son. I promise. Come along now and get your things. We’ll have to pack light, but there are a lot of new toys and clothes waiting for us too. One bag each, aye?” Brennan said, looking from Killian to Liam and back. 

Once their bags were packed and both boys were waiting at the door, Brennan took the bags in one hand, lifting Killian up with the other hand. Liam stayed close behind as he got them into the car, and drove off into the darkness. 

When Alice came home the next morning, she went to look for Liam and Killian. What she found was an empty apartment, with both her sons gone as well as her husband. She filed a police report, and over the following years, continued to search for her sons even when the police gave up. It took her a long time to find her son, and in that time, Killian would grow bitterly angry with her for not finding him, and she would never see Liam again.

Brennan and the boys stayed on the move, with Brennan’s debts and crimes following them all. Killian and Liam began to grow up, with Liam eventually taking charge of Killian. They became close, as Liam raised Killian thanks to Brennan being more concerned with gambling, theft, and drinking than raising two sons. In a way, it was a good thing that Brennan didn’t raise either of them. If he had, they might have become exactly like their father. 

Liam grew to be an honorable man, the polar opposite of his father. He was dependable, and had a strong sense of right and wrong. Killian, however, grew up to become an angry young man who hated his father for taking him away from his mother and who was angry with the world for pressing him down into the dirt. 

When Killian began stealing alcohol from his father to drink away his anger and hatred, Brennan noticed it. While Liam was working, father and son came to blows. 

“Keep your hands off my liquor!” Brennan shouted, red-faced and clearly already drunk. 

“Whose liquor? Who paid for the damned bottle? It wasn’t you, that’s for sure, since you gambled all your money away!” Killian shouted back before he raised the bottle of rum to his lips and drank deeply from it. Brennan let out a sound like a wounded bull and charged Killian, throwing him to the floor and raining blows down wherever he could reach. Killian tolerated it for mere seconds before he threw Brennan off him and got to his feet, raising his fists. 

“You really don’t want to do this, Papa.” Killian sneered, laughing at the older man. “You couldn’t beat me when you were sober, and you think you have a chance now?” 

“You’re still my son, boy, and I’ll teach you to respect your elders!” Brennan shouted before he lunged again. Killian brought his elbow down on Brennan’s back, then threw him into a wall. A moment later, he followed, slamming Brennan’s head into the wall and bringing his knee up into his father’s groin, which had Brennan dropping to his knees, his hands going to protect himself. 

“If you ever lay a hand on me again, you bastard, I’ll kill you.” Killian swore, tears, blood, and sweat mingling on his face. He turned away, then reached for the now-empty bottle of rum. Before he could touch it, he felt his heart stutter and frowned, rubbing it lightly. When nothing else happened, he shrugged it off as just a reaction to the stress and adrenaline that was coursing through his body as a result of the fight he’d just been in. 

Brennan stared at his youngest son with anger, hatred, and more than a little bit of fear. 

When Liam came home in the morning, he saw Brennan passed out on the floor and Killian tending to the minor wounds he’d gotten from his father.

“Killian?” Liam asked, frowning. 

“Aye?” Killian raised an eyebrow, bandaging a small cut under his eye.

“What happened here?” Liam frowned at his younger brother. 

“Brennan and I got into a fight. He’s fine, and so am I. The bastard lunged for me when I had a few drinks.” Killian shrugged. 

“Killian…” Liam shook his head sadly, closing his eyes in disappointment.

“Don’t worry. It was the first time. And probably the last.” Killian told Liam, glancing at his brother over his shoulder. 

It was soon after the fight that Brennan fled, leaving Killian and Liam to face his debtors alone. From the time Killian was eighteen until he was in his early twenties, he and Liam worked for the men Brennan had owed money to. In that time, Killian sobered up, resolving never to touch a drop of alcohol again, determined not to disappoint his brother again.

That was when their troubles began.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian’s heart problem makes life much more difficult for the Brothers Jones, and Brennan refuses to help them. Killian also meets Milah, and falls in love with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 was quite possibly the hardest chapter for me to write, but I hope it turned out well and keeps everyone interested in what happens next. Please, please, please don’t kill me for the cliffhangers or the character death. There’s nothing explicit in this chapter, so the rating is mature, but from here on out, it’s going to be rated E for explicit. Once again, thank you to @downeystarkjr for her amazing artwork and to @sambethe and the mods of the @captainswanbigbang for putting together the event!

Killian Jones had been born with a weak heart. No one could understand why, since it didn’t run in the family, on either side. The doctors said it might progress to the point of him needing a transplant, but with any luck, that wouldn’t happen until he was an old man.

Luck was not on Killian’s side.

When he was 23, after he and Liam worked off the debts of the father who abandoned them, Killian had his first brush with death. The doctors were able to stabilize him. They sent him home with stronger medications, but told him that the medicine would only work for so long, and the only cure was a new heart. He wasn’t dying yet, officially, but he was running out of time.

The news hit him hard; he hadn’t even known he had been born with a weaker heart, and nor had Liam. It was a bit of information that their father had never shared with either of them. Their mother was gone, presumed dead by the brothers, so there had been no way for her to tell them. As far as Killian knew, one day, he had been mostly healthy, with only a minor heart murmur that was easily controlled, and the next, he wasn’t. Liam, as always, tried to take immediate control of the situation, a thing which Killian both resented and was grateful for.

Though they were brothers and loved each other, they were very different. Liam was stronger, more in command, and less likely to give in to any kind of temptations. Killian was strong in his own ways, but was content to follow Liam’s lead. He was also less in control of his desires, and more likely to give in to temptations. Liam was the one who kept him on the straight and narrow path, at least until his heart problem got his attention.

They left England when Killian was diagnosed because there were more doctors in the United States who were familiar with his condition. There, they bought the house in Storybrooke, Maine. The brothers lived in a small house near the sea, with Killian taking the first floor and Liam taking the upstairs apartment. Despite his dislike of staying in one place too long, Killian wasn’t the type of man to disappoint his brother, no matter how much he might want to. He didn’t want Liam to worry too much, so he settled down and pushed aside his restless nature to keep Liam happy.

Killian kept himself as clean as possible; never touching alcohol or anything that could weaken him in any way. He was careful to keep his workouts as low risk as possible, too. Despite that, he was healthy. His somewhat long, dark brown hair was pulled back into a short ponytail, and he kept himself shaved, clean-cut, with the build of a runner instead of a bodybuilder. It made him an object of women’s attention, though he politely dismissed them all the time. He wasn’t unhappy, exactly, but he wasn’t living the life he had always wanted, either.

Doctor visits every other week, no social life to speak of, living with his brother because if he lived alone, he might die with no one knowing… And no one to love him besides Liam, who was enough, of course. Killian was grateful for Liam, he always had been. Liam had been there for him through everything, protecting him, keeping him as safe as possible, sheltering him from the world. He was grateful, but also hated it, just a little bit. He had no life outside of his heart condition, and it frustrated him. He was lonely, and that was why he spent so much time away from Storybrooke. He was searching for something, something that he didn’t think was in Storybrooke.

His next episode was the one that he didn’t get over very quickly. Killian was 28 now, and his heart had stopped beating for long enough to push him further up the list, and kept him in the hospital for two weeks. Liam spent as much time as possible with him, but he had to work, to keep their bills paid and keep food in the house. One of the nurses, Milah, a divorced woman, often sat with Killian. On the day when Liam called, unable to visit, Milah spent the night with Killian instead.

“That can’t be very comfortable, love.” Killian said, stirring awake when he heard her move in the chair. “Come lie down here, the bed is more than big enough.”

“I really shouldn’t. I could lose my job.” Milah said hesitantly. He was handsome, and polite, but she couldn’t afford to lose her job, not when she was on her own. When she met his eyes, his gaze softened slightly, seeing her worry.

“If anyone asks, I’ll tell them that you fell hard for my dashing good looks and I caught you.” Killian reassured her, moving over to make room and lowering one of the rails on his bed. Milah hesitated, then grinned and laid down on the bed, her hair hiding her face from view, and settled in beside him. He relaxed a little more, finding some comfort from having her so close, and fell back asleep easily enough. He was always tired now, wasting away, circles under his eyes and losing weight steadily. None of it was good, Killian knew; he realized he was dying, even if no one would tell him so to his face.

The following morning, Killian woke to Liam sitting in the chair with Milah still on the bed. “I have some good news, little brother. You get to go home today.” Liam said, looking as exhausted as Killian felt. 

Killian frowned, sitting up slightly. “That’s a surprise… Why? I thought the doctor yesterday said I had to stay until they found a match.”

“Your insurance is maxed out.” Liam said quietly. “I’ve tried getting a loan, and I even tracked down Father yesterday. That’s why I wasn’t here.”

“Papa? You found him?” Killian’s eyes were wide, and he was surprised, but also growing angry. “Liam…”

“I had to, Killian. You’re his son, and if I didn’t tell him, someone else would have. But he’s not coming. He won’t help you.” Liam replied tiredly, shaking his head. “He’s got another wife, and a young son who need him more than we do, according to him.”

Killian said nothing, taking a slow breath to calm himself, realizing his pulse was speeding up. Having learned that stress of any kind was bad for his heart, he made a conscious effort to remain as calm as possible. His doctor had strongly recommended it, and Liam found someone who taught him to meditate. When he was calmer again, he looked up at Liam.

“I shouldn’t be surprised by that. He did abandon us when we were children. Why would this be any different?” A tear rolled down Killian’s cheek. Liam looked away, unable to watch his brother cry.

“The nurse will be here soon with your discharge papers and instructions, and then we can go home. I’ve managed to arrange something with Milah, so she can come check on you and make sure you’re alright while I’m at work.”

Milah woke when she heard her name, and looked around before blushing lightly. “That’s right. I will. But for now, I think, I’m going to be on my way. It was nice to see you again, Liam.”

Liam smiled at her politely, nodding once, and Milah left quickly, giving the brothers their privacy. Liam raised an eyebrow at Killian, who shrugged.

“She was sleeping in the chair, and the bed is big enough for us to share. Nothing happened except for sleeping, though, so don’t start.”

“Just be careful, Killian. You don’t to weaken your heart further.” Liam replied mildly. Killian scowled at him, then saw the doctor walking towards him. Liam turned around, then stood up and gazed at the doctor expectantly.

The doctor came in and spoke to them both, detailing what to expect as Killian got worse, and how to manage his symptoms with medications. Liam paid more attention than Killian himself did, as Killian knew exactly what was going on once he saw the look on the doctor’s face. He was going to die at home.  
—————————————————————————————————————————-  
The weeks passed, and Killian grew steadily worse, fading away day by day. Milah visited him often, more than once a day, and they soon fell in love. Even though they loved each other, Milah wouldn’t touch him sexually very often, afraid to hurt him or make his condition even worse. He understood it, of course, but hated it; it was just another way that he was less than a man, little more than a child. But Killian accepted it, knowing it was something that was necessary.

He began losing weight, unable to eat anything but small amounts of rice, oatmeal, and pasta. When his lungs began filling with fluid, Milah was able to remove some of it using a large bore syringe, draining his lungs twice a day. Thanks to that, he was able to breathe on his own longer, though it was only a temporary solution. She also set up an IV to keep him hydrated, since the doctors had told him not to drink too much.

Two weeks before Christmas, Liam surprised him with the news. They’d found a potential match. He was, supposedly, dying as well, but the heart would be viable. They were testing the donor now, to ensure the transplant would have the highest possible percentage of success.

The heart was deemed a match, and just in time, too, because Killian wouldn’t have lasted the week without it. It wasn’t long before Christmas, and Liam got Killian to the hospital as soon as possible. He’d found the money to pay for the operation, and Killian’s additional treatment afterwards, though he wouldn’t tell his little brother where it was from.

“You’re going to be fine, Killian.” Liam promised, waiting in the room with him. “And I’ll be here when you’re awake again.”

Killian was too distracted to pick up on the tremor in Liam’s voice, nodding in reply. When the nurse came in to start processing Killian for surgery, Liam ducked out to the nurses’ station, telling them to call his cell phone as soon as Killian was out of surgery, as he had to go to work, or he risked losing his job.  
Killian hardly noticed the absence of his brother right away, and by the time he realized Liam had left, it no longer mattered. The surgery was only an hour or so away. His thoughts were racing, and if he hadn’t already taken a mild sedative, his pulse would have been racing as well. Killian’s doctors had told him about the risks of the procedure, as well as detailing exactly what would happen, barring any complications, and the chances of a successful transplant.  
He hadn’t slept very much the night before, feeling too restless, and while he was told not to eat or drink anything after midnight, his stomach was in knots anyway. Death, rejecting the donor heart, infection, extensive damage, kidney failure, blood clots that could cause strokes, uncontrollable bleeding… And then there were the medications he would be on for the rest of his life. Immunosuppressants, he had been told, meant that he would be at greater risk of death from certain diseases. Cancer was also more likely for him, and if he missed even a day of medication, it could lead to his body’s rejection of the donor heart.

A shiver ran down Killian’s spine as he got changed into the paper-thin clothes the nurse had given him, folding his own things and putting them in the garment bag with his name on it before he sat back down on the bed, holding his head in his hands. Milah was unable to see him that day; she was scheduled to be working on the pediatric floor, due to her emotional connection to him. He was alone in the room, facing potentially permanent death, since there would be a few moments where he was actually dead once his heart was removed until the donor heart was put in place and shocked to life.  
When someone came in to start the admission process, which was short even though it was irritating, Killian turned to look at the man, answering his questions completely.

“What about your religion?” The man asked, looking at Killian over his shoulder.

“I’m not a religious man. I don’t belong to a faith.” Killian replied, shaking his head. “Atheist.”

“That’s not one of the options here. Can’t you pick one?” He pressed, frowning at Killian.

“I’m not going to pick a religion to make your life easier when I might die today. Leave it blank, or put N/A. I don’t bloody care.” Killian snapped, scowling. “I’m not going to pick a religion at the last second when I spent the rest of my life not believing in anything.”

The man said nothing, typing in N/A and then printing out Killian’s bracelet. Once it was on Killian’s wrist, the man left, and a nurse came in to check his vitals.

“The operating room is almost ready; another half hour and then it’s time for your surgery.” She said. “After your surgery, you’ll spend some time waking up, then you’ll be in the cardiac wing for about two weeks.” The nurse told him, typing his updated vitals into his chart before turning to him and sliding a thermometer beneath his tongue. “The anesthesiologist and the cardiothoracic surgeon should be here soon, too, to explain what to expect before and after the operation.”

Killian nodded and released the thermometer when it beeped, taking a slow, deep breath. “Thanks, lass.” He said, moving to lie down on the bed and pull a blanket over himself.

“Did anyone come with you today?” The nurse asked, turning to look at him again.

“Aye, my brother did, and then he left to go to work. If he stayed, he might have lost his job.” Killian explained.

“Is he your emergency contact?” She asked, tying a tourniquet around his upper arm and gently probing for a vein. “Is there anyone else we should call or contact just in case?” She was deliberately trying to distract him from the fact that she was putting in the needle for his IV, since it was a difficult process, and not every vein worked.

“Aye. Liam Jones; his phone number is on the paperwork I filled out when I came here this morning.” Killian nodded, trying his best not to look at what she was doing, since needles made him squeamish. “And Milah as well, she works here in the hospital. She’s my girlfriend.”

“Alright, Killian. I’ll contact them both once you’re out of surgery. For now, just lie back and try to relax. You can watch some television, or take a small nap, but don’t get up to move around too much, and if you have to go to the bathroom, let us know so we can help you with your IV bag, okay?” The nurse said, disposing of the used needles once she got his IV set up. She left the room, closing the curtains for privacy, and Killian was left alone with his thoughts once more.

Killian curled up beneath the blanket on the bed, shivering lightly, both from the cold temperature and the fear he felt at the thought of what was going to happen over the next few hours. He wished someone were there with him, he ached for someone to tell him everything was going to be alright and to hold him, but there was no one. He was alone.

Instead, over the next half hour, his thoughts consumed him until he was sure that he was going to die, but he said nothing about it to anyone. Killian chose to keep his thoughts to himself, knowing that the response from the nurses would be the cold facts of his case. Without the surgery, he would be dead in days. With it, there was at least a chance of him surviving another ten years at the minimum, and given his youth and otherwise clean bill of health, almost definitely much longer than that.

The surgeon came in first, and Killian looked up, putting on a forced smile that he didn’t feel.

“So, today you’re getting a heart transplant. We have a donor ready and waiting for you, and the heart is a perfect match. Do you have any questions for me?” He asked, an arrogant, distant look on his face that instantly put Killian on edge.

“No. I’m going to die on that table, you’re going to put the new heart in, shock it back to life, then hope that my body accepts it. I’ve done my research.” Killian replied coldly, his voice surprisingly steady despite his fears and worries.

“Good. The anesthesiologist is on his way in now, and then we’re going to take you into the OR and get started.” The doctor said before he left.  
The anesthesiologist came and left once he learned that Killian didn’t have any allergies to medication or anything else, which made his job much simpler. By that point, Killian was ready to get it over with, even though a surgery had apparently run over, and his was pushed by a few minutes.

Those few minutes were torture for Killian, whose fears began to prey on his mind. His thoughts conjured up images of Liam and Milah at his own grave, sobbing over him, seeking comfort from each other while he was lifeless at their feet. Killian shook off the image, then called for a nurse, who came in a minute later.

“It’s only a few more minutes, Killian, they’re almost ready for you. Are you alright?” She asked, frowning as she looked him over.

“I think my sedative is wearing off. Is there anything you can give me? Anything? My mind is playing games with me, and I’m nearly ready to call this off.” Killian pleaded with her. The nurse gazed at him for a long moment, then checked his chart and called the anesthesiologist, who prescribed him something to take the edge off that wouldn’t interfere with the anesthesia or any other drugs.

“Okay, Killian, this should work quickly because it’s going right into your bloodstream. It’s a faster acting version of Xanax.” The nurse told him as she injected the drug into his IV line. She disposed of the used syringe and her gloves, then lightly brushed his hair back out of his eyes and tucked it all into the sterile cap for him.

Killian’s eyes closed once he felt the light sting of the drugs entering his blood, and within seconds, he was more relaxed than before, his mind blissfully blank. The tension left his muscles, and his face relaxed, leaving him feeling as though he were floating on a cloud.

Soon after he was given the injection, Killian was wheeled into the OR, and the anesthesiologist stepped closer, holding the mask over Killian’s nose and mouth. “Take slow, deep breaths for me, Killian, and if you can, start counting down from ten to one.” He instructed, nodding to a nearby nurse, who injected the anesthesia cocktail into Killian’s IV line slowly.

“Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven… Si…” He trailed off at six, the anesthesia taking effect quickly and knocking him unconscious.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian wakes up from surgery and begins a downward spiral, meeting someone unexpected as well as becoming someone he never thought he would be, in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has two major character deaths and quite a lot of potential triggers that are listed in the tags below. Thanks to @downeystarkjr for her amazing artwork, to the mods and @sambethe for putting together the CSBB, and all you readers who have left me amazing comments! I honestly didn’t expect anyone to like this monstrosity of a fic!

When Killian woke up, he was alone in the room. There was an IV in his arm, and a breathing tube in his mouth, which was causing him no small amount of panic. He reached up, attempting to pull it out, but then a team of nurses came in and stopped him, injecting him with more pain meds. Within seconds, he was unconscious again, the medicine knocking him out cold. 

The next time he woke up, the breathing tube was gone, and Liam was nowhere in sight. Killian frowned, looking around, then figured that his brother must have been in the cafeteria or the waiting room. Pressing the call button, he waited for a nurse to come in, resting his head on the pillows.

The nurse came in, turning off the call-light and checking on Killian’s incision site before taking his vital signs and temperature. 

“Looking good so far. No serious fever, normal blood pressure… What did you need, handsome?”

“I was wondering where my brother is. Liam Jones; tall, blue eyes, curly hair, broad shoulders.” Killian described him briefly, and the nurse nodded, patting his shoulder. She hesitated briefly, trying to keep her composure. What had happened was hardly a secret around the hospital, though it was obvious Killian himself had no idea. Both brothers were familiar faces, and the nurses all looked out for them in different ways.

 

“There was an accident. The doctors tried everything they could… And he was an organ donor. His heart was a better match for you than the original donor, and you were already under anesthesia… They had to make a decision quickly.”

 

He stared at the nurse, unable to process what he was hearing for a minute, then it hit him. Liam was dead. Liam had died, he was gone, he wasn’t coming back, and now his heart was in Killian’s chest. He took a breath, then began trying to get up.

 

“I have to see him.” Killian said, desperate and terrified, afraid of being alone, wanting Liam to come back. 

 

“Killian. Killian, you can’t get up. You’re not strong enough to get up yet. I need you to stay still.” The nurse said, trying to keep him in bed. He fought against her, struggling harder, and his blood pressure and pulse started skyrocketing.

 

He tried to breathe, tried to remember to stay calm, but his pulse was racing, his head spinning. This was so much worse than being abandoned by his father, because Liam had been the one constant despite everything. And now he was dead. Killian felt like a small boat set loose in a hurricane, tossed and battered by the relentless winds.

When the alarms in his room began blaring, he barely heard them. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, the shock to his system too great to handle after such a big procedure. A nurse and doctor came rushing in, the doctor gave him a sedative quickly, and he fell asleep almost immediately, his pulse calming quickly.

“Keep an eye on him, and make sure his pulse doesn’t get too high.” The doctor instructed the nurse. “His heart won’t be able to take that much strain so quickly. When he wakes up, have someone sit with him, make sure he stays calm.”

When Killian woke up again, a nurse came in from the nurses’ station and rested a hand on his shoulder gently. 

“When can I be discharged?” He asked, staring at her.

“In 2 weeks, once we’re sure that your body isn’t rejecting the heart and to make sure there are no other complications from the procedure.” The nurse replied.

 

“Complications?” Killian asked, frowning.

 

“Your body could reject the heart, sutures could tear open, infection, things like that. Most of them are minor if caught early enough, but we need to keep any eye on you.” She explained, checking his vitals again while giving him a reassuring look. “It’s just routine, nothing out of the ordinary.”

Milah had been working that day, and was unable to see him until it was time for her to go home, at the end of her shift. He was upset, but tried not to show it, tried not to let his emotions affect her relief at seeing him awake. Tried to be strong, like Liam would have been.

 

“Hey, love.” Killian greeted her, giving her a soft smile. He could see she had had a long day, and pulled her close gently, kissing her softly. “Long day?” Killian asked, nuzzling her gently.

 

“Yeah, someone died.” Milah replied carefully, unsure if anyone had told him. 

 

“Liam?” Killian said quietly, looking into her eyes. Milah swallowed hard, then nodded, looking away. 

 

“How much do you want to know?” She asked him, stroking his hair softly.

 

“I don’t want to know, love. He’s gone, and I know you all did as much as you could.” Killian replied, kissing her softly. “It was a car accident, wasn’t it? He hadn’t been sleeping very well lately, I do know that much, so his reaction time was off, if he was even awake behind the wheel.” Killian murmured, laying his head back down tiredly.    
  
Milah kissed his temple softly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Relax, my love, try to get some sleep?”

 

“I’ve been sleeping on and off all day. They had to sedate me when the nurse told me about Liam.” Killian replied, though some of the tension left him under her touch. 

 

“She wasn’t supposed to tell you yet. Protocol… But I know why she did.” Milah said, kissing him softly. “You’ll be here for two weeks, just in case something happens, but nothing will. You’re both healthy, and Liam never did anything he wasn’t supposed to.” 

 

“No. He was as straight-laced as a man can be.” Killian agreed, closing his eyes with a soft sigh. “Gods, that feels good.”

 

“I’m glad. You’re too tense. I know this is hard, losing him, but you’re not alone.” Milah whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek.

 

“No. I know I have you.” Killian nodded. It was obvious that he was somewhat distant, though he was trying not to show it, trying to keep himself together. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

As soon as he was healthy enough, he called a lawyer, suing the hospital for giving him Liam’s heart and suing the car company for failing to issue a recall on faulty brakes in their cars. He settled on both out of court, and used the money to pay the lawyer, have Liam buried, and paid any outstanding medical bills he had. 

Once Killian was released from the hospital, after two weeks had passed and he received a clean bill of health, barely a day went by before the well-wishers and town gossips began showing up. They poked around the house, but it wasn’t until someone tried to steal Liam’s ring that Killian lost it. The would-be thief ended up on the front lawn, the ring now on Killian’s finger, and everyone else was watching, gasping and glaring at Killian while helping their friend up. The ring had belonged to their mother before it had become Liam’s, and Killian was not about to let someone steal it.

Unable to stand the sympathy and the pity in all their eyes, as well as the disgust at how he was reacting to his brother’s death, Killian sold the house he and Liam lived in, bought a ship with the money, and turned from a half-dead lad into a dangerous man. He drank rum constantly, and while he started working out more, he wasn’t as healthy as he should have been. When the alcohol wasn’t enough, he began exploring drugs. Weed at first, then harder stuff, until he could no longer tell up from down. Cocaine was his preferred high, since he didn’t need a needle to use it. Pills were good too, but not nearly as potent as cocaine.

Milah tried her best to keep him healthy, but they both knew that in the end, it was up to him, and he no longer cared about his health. He didn’t see himself as worthy of Liam’s heart, or Liam’s life, and it was showing. He loved Milah, but in the end, it wasn’t enough to keep him from destroying himself. They both knew it, but Milah stayed because she loved him, because he loved her, and because she kept him from sinking too far down. In the end, though, fate once more found Killian and left him in pain.

 

Milah had died in a small port town, a place that was unremarkable in every way. Killian had sent her a letter and money for her to join him for a bit of a vacation, and they had been together when she died. Their child, who he had named Mia, was born prematurely, though she was healthy, and now he was a single father. Somewhere, it was a blessing, since Milah wasn’t completely gone, but he wasn’t up to taking care of her. He could hardly take care of himself. However, he was unwilling to give her up for adoption. Abandoning her was not something he was capable of doing. Thankfully, someone else came into his life, someone who made a small difference for him and a huge difference for his daughter.

 

Two funerals, in less than a year. It rained for both, of course, though this time, there was a surprise visitor. 

 

“Killian?” A voice whispered, as though the speaker were unsure it was him and unsure whether or not she should approach him. It was his mother. Killian was on his knees in the mud, staring at the coffin and wishing he were inside it with her. He lifted his head slowly, tears staining his face and turning his eyes red and slightly swollen. Not recognizing her at first, he stared, his eyes narrowed to allow him to see better. 

“Who are you?” Killian asked, scowling deeply, his eyes bitterly sad and angry over the loss of his love and his hand. 

“I know it’s been a long time, but I had hoped you would still recognize me.” Alice said quietly, stepping closer and looking down into his eyes. Killian stared up at her, then stood slowly, frowning deeply. Then his eyes widened at the realization of who she was. 

 

“Mathair?” 

 

“Killian… My son…” Alice whispered, tearing up as she studied him, pulling him into her arms. “My little one, grown into a man…” 

 

“Where have you been? Why did you leave us?” Killian asked, pulling back from her. 

 

“I didn’t leave you. But that’s a story you and your brother should both hear. Where is Liam?” Alice asked, looking around before looking back at Killian. “He’s not here with you?” 

 

Killian took a deep breath, looking away. “Liam is here.” He said, taking her hand and leading her to another grave not far away. He turned to face the headstone, nodding towards it. 

 

“No…” Alice whispered, shaking her head. “It can’t be true…” 

 

“He’s gone, Mathair. He died in a car accident. His heart ended up saving my life.” Killian replied quietly, his voice betraying how broken he was. 

 

“You had a weak heart?” Alice asked him, turning to look up at him, tears in her eyes. 

 

“Aye.” Killian nodded, lifting his eyes to meet hers. “There’s so much to tell you.”

“And a lot of time to do it in.” Alice said, reaching out to pull him into a hug. Killian wrapped his arms around her after a brief hesitation, then closed his eyes and held her more tightly. 

 

“My ship isn’t far. Come with me?” Killian asked, stepping back once more. “We can get something to eat on the way there.” 

 

“You do need some fattening up. You’re too skinny. Unhealthily skinny.” Alice replied, nodding in agreement. 

“How did you find me?” 

 

“A private investigator. I’ve been looking for you for years, for you and Liam, ever since Brennan took you from me. He kidnapped you and Liam, one night while I was working, since I was planning to divorce him. I never let on what I was going to do, but he found out when he read my mail.” Alice said quietly, her eyes falling on the stump of Killian’s wrist, which was wrapped in bandages. 

 

Killian followed her gaze and shook his sleeve down over the injury to hide it from view. “He told us that you were going to meet us in a new house.” 

“When I came home from work, you were all gone, and most of your things had been left behind. I called the police and reported you and Liam as being kidnapped, but they stopped searching after a while. I never gave up. I couldn’t. I knew you were both out there somewhere.” 

“We needed you. I needed you. Brennan was… Less than a father should have been. He abandoned us when I was only fourteen, when someone came to collect his debts. Liam and I were forced to work them off however we could.”

 

“Oh, Killian…” Alice gasped, her hands going up to cover her mouth. “I’m so sorry…” 

 

“Why? You didn’t cause it.” Killian shook his head, reaching for his flask as they began walking towards his ship. 

 

“No, but I should have done more, I should have looked harder. I never should have married him to begin with.” 

 

Killian fell silent for a long moment before he turned to his mother again. “Do you regret having Liam and I?” He asked quietly, looking into her eyes. 

 

“No. I never have, and never will. You’re my son, Killian, and when I look at you now, there’s very little of Brennan to see. Liam resembled him more, but even Liam was nothing like his father, was he?” Alice asked, studying Killian for a moment.

 

“No, thank the gods. Liam was the opposite of Brennan. I’m the one who is more like Brennan.” Killian said, looking away. Alice stepped closer, resting her hand on her son’s shoulder. 

 

“What makes you think that?” 

 

“I have a lot of anger, as Brennan did, and alcohol is my only remaining comfort.” Killian explained. 

 

“So you know that, now what are you going to do to change it?” Alice met his gaze, not letting him look away. Killian stepped back, shaking his head. 

 

“I can’t change it. I need the alcohol and the drugs. I can’t function without them. They dull the pain of everything, and make life more livable.” Killian replied, drinking from his flask before returning it to his pocket. “But now that you’re here, I need help raising my daughter. Her mother is gone.” 

 

“Of course, son. I’d be pleased and proud to help raise my granddaughter.” Alice said with a soft smile. “Where is she?” 

 

“She’s at the hospital. She was born prematurely, and isn’t ready to go home yet. Her name is Mia.” Killian replied, sitting down on a chair on the deck of his ship. 

 

“Mia. After her mother?” Alice asked

 

“Her mother’s name was Milah. This was as close as I could get to naming her after her mother without breaking down into tears every time I spoke to her.” Killian told her, sighing deeply. 

 

“What happened to Milah?” 

 

“She was killed in a supposed car accident.” Killian explained. 

 

“Supposed?” Alice frowned at him. 

 

“Aye. There’s no way to prove it was murder, though I know it was. Her ex-husband couldn’t stand the fact that she got away from him and found love and happiness with someone else. There was no rain that night, and the driver of the other car had no injuries. He had been driving a larger truck, and ran a red light. They caught it on camera, but no charges were filed. The police never found him.” Killian explained, drinking deeply from his flask. 

 

“Why not?” Alice asked, shaking her head. 

 

“Because the good sheriff dismissed my claims about it being murder. He doesn’t like me, or my life choices.” Killian replied. 

“So that means he’s not even going to try to follow up on it?” Alice frowned, confused. 

 

“Apparently not. I guess when your main witness is an alcoholic, drug-addicted fool, you don’t have to accept his testimony.” Killian scowled, though there was a sad look in his eyes. “He said I should be happy that I have my daughter, and to focus on raising her.”

“My poor son…” Alice whispered sadly, gazing at him steadily. “You deserve so much better than all of this, but at least you have Mia. And now you have me, too. I know it’s not the same, and not what you dreamed of, but you’re not alone. Now, I’m going to go and cook you some dinner. Don’t drink too much more; you’ll be sick.” She said, getting up and going below. 

 

Killian watched her go, not thinking twice about the drugs he had left out until Alice came back on deck, holding a small bag. “Killian, what is this?” She demanded.

“What is- Oh.” He reached out and took it, slipping it into his pocket. “That’s mine, Mathair. It helps numb the pain, and it’s even more effective than the alcohol is.” 

 

Alice studied him for a long moment. “I think it’s a good idea if Mia lives with me for a little while, at least until you’re through with rehab and you’re well enough to have a child aboard the ship.” 

 

“I’m not going to rehab. I don’t need to, because I don’t have a problem. They’re medicines, Mathair, that’s all.” Killian replied, shaking his head.

 

“Killian, these are not helping you with anything. You need to grieve properly and move on, you know that.” Alice told him gently, taking his hand in hers and meeting his eyes. 

“I tried that. I did, and I couldn’t handle it. I never learned how to handle my emotions. I only learned how to bury them, except for love. I loved Milah, and she knew it. I showed it as much and as well as I possibly could, but love wasn’t enough. She still died, still left me alone, because her ex-husband and the universe are cruel.” Killian said, standing up and taking a long drink from his flask as he paced restlessly, unable to sit still any longer.

 

When Alice discovered the drugs and alcohol aboard Killian’s ship, she tried to sign him up for rehab. Her heart was in the right place, but Killian was too far gone, and not yet ready to come back. He left her and Mia in Storybrooke, coming home for Christmas, birthdays, and sometimes in between those days. It wasn’t enough, he knew, but it was something, at least, something that might show her the son and man he could have been if life had been kinder to him. 

 

Instead of rehab, he got Liam’s name tattooed over his heart, and Milah’s name on his right wrist, with a dagger piercing a heart behind her name. Both were fitting tributes, he thought, with Liam once more owning his heart and Milah cutting a place for herself into it. The pain of those tattoos sharpened his mind, and he saw Liam the first time during the sittings. After that, he began seeing Liam when he took a small blade to his skin. It had begun as a way to exercise control and to relieve some of his physical pain, and then changed when Liam appeared more and more frequently.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of downs in Killian's life, but a few ups, too. Will Emma be able to show Killian that the ups are more important than the downs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, absent father, potentially triggering, but Emma shows up in this one! As always, thanks to @downeystarkjr for her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year's CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters.

Time passed, and Killian began traveling again as soon as possible, taking his ship all over the country, sometimes even to other countries. He found some small peace in Ireland, but not enough to stay longer than six months. Killian was restless, and the loss of both Liam and Milah cut him deeply. Those were wounds that Alice and Mia could not heal, no matter how much they loved Killian.

Alice Jones, for her part, had hopes that Killian would recover from everything that had happened to him, even the things that were his own doing. She settled down in Storybrooke, not far from the harbor, so that when he came home, she would know without relying on gossip. With quiet love, she contented herself with raising Killian’s daughter. Killian would often send gifts back for Mia, and when he came home, he would make sure to spend time with his daughter, showering her with affection and gifts, never letting on that he was broken.

 

After five years away, he made his way back to Storybrooke once more, something always pulling him back there. He didn’t know what it was, and he certainly didn’t want to look too closely at the ties that bound him to such a place. It was a nice town, almost too nice. It was a good place to raise a family, and Killian knew that Mia would be happy there. He knew Liam would have liked it, too, for the same reason Alice did; he knew that there had been a woman in Liam’s life before he died. Belle? He thought that was her name, but he couldn’t remember now. Not that it mattered. 

 

“Killian, are you staying here for good now?” Alice asked one night after Mia was in bed, clutching a stuffed rabbit Killian had bought for her in Ireland. 

 

“I don’t know, Mathair.” He said, sighing deeply. “I know Mia needs me, but she doesn’t need to see what a mess my life is, or be around the things that I do.”

 

“So clean yourself up, son.” Alice replied, sitting down across from him. “Her birthday is coming up; isn’t that a wonderful idea for a gift? Her father to surprise her with a house and a dog and a place for her in his life and heart?”

 

“Mathair…”

 

“Killian, she’s your daughter. She needs her father. Don’t you remember what it was like, growing up without your father?”

 

He stayed quiet, choosing instead to drink straight from the bottle of rum in front of him. Alice scowled, then took it and poured it down the drain in the kitchen. 

 

“That was not a cheap bottle, you know.” He said, giving her a look.

 

“You could use the money for other things.” Alice told him, dropping the empty bottle in the recycling bin before taking a seat beside him. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Killian. Rum and drugs are not going to bring Liam or Milah back. They’re only going to destroy you, and take you away from Mia, and from me. Is that really the life you want for your daughter?”

 

“How can you ask me that?” Killian demanded, turning to her.

 

“Easily. Look at yourself, Killian. You’re not like Brennan, but you’re not the man you could be, either.” Alice replied, meeting his eyes pitilessly.

 

“Brennan abandoned me.” He scowled. “Completely. Liam and I grew up alone.” 

 

“I know, and I’m sorry. He ran away with you both one night, while I was at work. And I looked for you. I never stopped looking for you.” She said quietly, lowering her gaze.

 

“I’m a grown man now.” Killian reminded his mother.

 

“Yes, and yet you still need me. And so does Mia. Please, Killian, stop drinking and using drugs. Don’t do to her what happened to you and your brother. I won’t live forever, and when I’m gone, all you two will have is each other. Do you want her to be alone? To hate the memory of you because you chose something else over her? She deserves better than that. She deserves you, and the gifts at Christmas and appearances on her birthday aren’t enough.” Alice said, looking into his eyes again, tears shining on her cheeks.

 

“I can’t stop.” He said quietly. “It’s too painful. Liam died and now his heart is in my chest, and the knowledge that I don’t deserve that is too much to face.”

 

“Your brother died in a car accident. It could very easily have been someone else who lost his or her life to give you yours back. Would you blame yourself for being born with a weaker heart if it were a stranger?” She asked him, raising an eyebrow.

 

“No.” Killian replied, itching for a cigarette. Or something stronger. Much stronger.

 

“It was not your fault that you were born with a bad heart. You need to accept that and move on.” Alice said gently, resting her hand on his cheek. 

 

“How can I?” He asked, sighing as he looked down. “I’m too far gone, Mathair. You and I both know that.”

 

“With the love of your daughter and a doctor’s care. Because I will not give up on you. You’re my son.” Alice said, hugging Killian tightly before she got up to clean up the kitchen a little. Keeping busy kept Killian from seeing how much she was hurting too, watching him sink further and further down.

 

The very next morning, Killian called to make an appointment with the local cardiologist, a new doctor named Emma Swan. Little did he know that meeting her was going to change his life forever.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
  


As he stood outside the doctor’s office, a cigarette dangling from his lips, he eyed the door almost warily. He knew full well that he was going to be lectured on his habits and lack of care after receiving his brother’s heart, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at all. Liam was dead, and so was Milah. His daughter and his mother were all he had left, and they had each other now. Mia didn’t need him, didn’t need the trainwreck of his life. This doctor would just be another one in the long line of people who were disgusted by him. Taking a deep breath, Killian removed a small blade from his pocket and left three small lines in a place the doctor wouldn’t be looking, letting the pain clear some of his thoughts away. It wasn’t the first time he’d done such a thing; the first time had been not long after Liam’s funeral, when he couldn’t think clearly. A vase had been broken on the floor, and he stepped on a piece of glass. That was when he first learned how pain could clear his thoughts. Since then, he’d turned to self-harm as another form of release.

Flicking the remnants of his cigarette into a nearby puddle, he opened the door and walked into the waiting room, checked in, and sat down to wait for his name to be called. Killian fiddled with his Zippo lighter, engraved with Milah’s and Liam’s names, as well as an anchor inside of a heart. He looked terrible, and smelled of rum and stale cigarette smoke, his leather jacket two sizes too big on him now, though it had fit when Milah had bought it for him. He’d begun eating less, and the small scars on his forearm showed another way he exercised control over his problems, no matter how unhealthy both things were. 

When his name was called, Killian didn’t hear it at first, lost in his own thoughts, but then the receptionist called to him again and he stood up, following her into the office. He removed his jacket, tucking his lighter and cigarettes deeper into his jacket pocket, then pulled off his shirt and waited, impatient for this to be over. It was a routine appointment this time, something he had to do every six months or so. He was doing it a bit early to appease his mother.

Emma Swan had watched her adoptive mother die of a rare heart disease. She’d been found abandoned on the side of the road as a baby, and taken in quickly by the Swan family. After her adoptive mother’s death, Mr. Swan had sent Emma back, claiming he was unable to take care of her as well as his own child, born before Mrs. Swan’s death. She grew up in different foster homes until she ran away when she was sixteen. After earning her GED, she took a job as a bail bondsperson to put herself through medical school. She worked hard, and eventually gained a spot at a Boston doctor’s office as a cardiologist. 

When she heard about a job opening in Storybrooke, she took it, planning on moving in with her brother, David, and Mary Margaret, his girlfriend, at first. That didn’t happen, though, since they had just gotten married. Instead, she found a house that was fairly cheap and in good condition near the coast. Someone told her it had belonged to two brothers, one of whom was now dead and the other who was long gone. She had bought it quickly, appreciative of the fact that it was fully furnished. Her last boyfriend had supplied everything in their apartment, but when he had skipped town and ‘forgot’ to renew the lease, Emma had been lucky to get her belongings, and her dog, before the landlord threw everything out. Loading everything into her car, she set out for Storybrooke. It was the best time for her to go; Neal had gotten her pregnant, but she lost the baby. A new setting was perfect for her; somewhere she wouldn’t be reminded of what she had lost all the time.

 

When she arrived, she rented a room at the local bed and breakfast while she waited for the closing on the house to be completed. Once she was unpacked, she headed downstairs to the diner and ordered herself a grilled cheese sandwich with onion rings, taking an empty booth near the stairs to the rooms above the diner. She was starving, and hadn’t eaten since that morning, before her drive up from Boston. She wolfed down her food when it arrived, then glanced at her phone when it went off. Frowning, she picked it up and looked at it more closely. It was an email from her new job about a patient that was going to be seeing her tomorrow. Killian Jones, someone who rolled into town occasionally. He never stayed long before he left again, and always around the same time of year for a few weeks. The receptionist had already given him an appointment for the next day. 

The next day, when she got to work, she was told that he was her first appointment, and he was already waiting in her office for her. Emma looked over his medical history, studying the most recent scans he had provided to the receptionist. Then she saw his blood test and all the drugs in his system. 

“Holy crap…” Emma breathed, her eyes widening. Something didn’t add up. He’d been given a heart, a heart that wouldn’t last long with the abuse it was going through. He was on enough drugs to sedate a horse, plus the alcohol. “This guy is trying to kill himself.” She shook her head, closing his file and heading into the exam room where he was waiting.

“Mr. Jones?”

“Killian. Mr. Jones is either my father or my brother,” He replied, staring up at the ceiling. He hadn’t even glanced at her once, not even when the door closed behind her. Interesting… She nodded. 

“Killian, then. Are you here for your usual exam?” Emma asked him, pulling on her gloves.

“Aye, love. Though if you wanted to offer a more…thorough examination, I’m not one to argue.” Killian almost purred, eyeing her up. Gods, she was beautiful, and if those eyes were anything to go by, a more spirited lass. Someone who would give as good as she got. 

“Let’s keep it simple and just let me listen to your heartbeat. Then we can talk about your most recent blood work.” Emma replied, taking her stethoscope and pressing it gently against his chest. 

“What’s there to talk about?” Killian asked, ignoring the cold metal on his skin and trying to focus on the warmth of her touch instead.

“Nice tattoo, first of all. Who’s Liam?” She asked him, though she knew full well who he was. She knew who both of the Jones brothers were. David had warned her about Killian, who was well known around town for being a drunk, a womanizer, and a drug abuser. Emma had been more than agreeable to stay away, until she saw him and the pain he carried. He was dangerous, without a doubt, but there was something else about him too, something that called to her. She had also been told that Liam was dead, though not why. David had only told her that the town missed Liam.

 

“Liam is dead. So it doesn’t matter. Let’s get this over with, aye? As much as I enjoy having your hands on me, love, there are other activities I enjoy much more.” 

 

“Like abusing drugs and drinking?” Emma asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

 

“Those are just things that help me relax, Dr. Swan.” He said, shrugging. “Of course, if you’re willing to help me relax…” Killian grinned at her, winking.

 

“If you keep going with the substance abuse, your heart is going to give out. It can’t take the strain of all the shocks to your system. Extended cocaine use can kill you, and the more you drink, the higher your chances of cirrhosis. If your liver gets cirrhosis, your blood will start backing up into your esophagus. If you keep going this way, you’ll be dead before you turn 40, and you won’t be able to get a new liver or a new heart because of the circumstances of your illness. You’ll be on the donor list, but you’ll never be at the top of it, and you could end up dead before you get new organs. Do you understand that?”

 

“I should have died when I was a baby anyway. Then again when I was 18, then when I was 23, and then when I was 28, I got this damned heart. So don’t think that threatening me with death is going to work. I was dying before I met you.” He said coldly.

 

“Why are you determined to throw your life away?” Emma asked him, shaking her head.

 

“Because it’s not my life.” Killian told her, scowling.

 

“Whose life is it, then? Your name is Killian Jones, and I have your medical history here. If you’re not Killian Jones, you’ve done a good job impersonating him.” She said, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I’ll make another appointment on the way out.” Killian replied, standing up.

 

“We’re not finished yet, Killian. We need to discuss a treatment plan to save your heart.”

 

“Why would I want to save it?” He asked bitterly.

 

“You want to die?” Emma raised an eyebrow, studying him for a moment. 

 

“I’ll see you at our next appointment, Dr. Swan.” Killian said, not looking at her, unable to. He knew if he did, she would see everything he was feeling, and he couldn’t allow that. Not yet, especially not with her.

 

Emma nodded, sighing softly and shaking her head. “I can keep your heart beating. I can keep you physically alive. But you need to want to live, too, Killian. Otherwise there’s no point.” She said as he pulled his shirt on. He paused for a moment, then said nothing, shrugging on his jacket.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian is struggling in this one, and some mistakes from his past come back to haunt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjr for her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

Killian left, closing the door behind him and pausing to get an appointment card from the receptionist. As soon as he was outside, he lit up a cigarette and began walking, flipping up the collar of his jacket around his neck. There was a chill in the air, and the clouds in the sky promised rain, at the very least. If there were any gods, they would strike him dead. But he knew the truth. Something he had done had angered the universe, from the very moment of his birth. 

 

Killian gazed in the direction of the docks, then shook his head. He needed to get out of his head for a little while, and the best way he knew of doing that was with pleasure, chasing the high that sex gave him, even if it didn’t last very long. It was at least not deadly, so he could tell his mother later that he hadn’t done anything dangerous after seeing the doctor. 

 

With that in mind, instead of returning to his ship, Killian made his way to the nearby massage parlor. It was a secret place, one that catered to return customers and did a lot of business by word of mouth. Killian spoke briefly to the owner, then disappeared into a back room with a blonde woman, stripping off his clothes and laying down on the bed. Candy, the blonde woman, crawled on top of him and rolled a condom onto his manhood. 

 

When Killian left the brothel, several hours later, he was undoubtedly drunk, and stumbled down the street towards his ship, avoiding the main roads so that he wouldn’t get caught again. Of course, that meant that someone spotted him. Because he had no luck, and the universe hated him.

“Killian?” Emma approached him slowly, as she might have moved towards a stray dog or a wild animal. He looked up, then groaned when he saw her, the still-lit cigarette falling out of his mouth.

“Swan. What are you doing so close to the docks?” Killian slurred, taking another drink from his flask.

“I was going to meet a friend not far from here. Are you drunk?” Emma asked, frowning at him deeply.

“Aye, and I intend to get drunker.” Killian shrugged, not even bothering to attempt lying. He was too drunk to care about anything, not that he cared about very much when he was sober. 

“Where are you going?” Emma asked, sighing softly as she tried to get his arm over her shoulders.

“Back to my ship. Where I live. Why?” Killian stared at her, frowning.

“Come on, my car is just around the corner. You shouldn’t be out walking right now.” She told him, leading him towards her car. “You’re so drunk, you wouldn’t know you fell until you were on the ground.”

“I’m fine, Swan.” Killian said, stepping back before she could reach the car. Emma frowned, but stepped closer again. Her eyes were fixed on the cuts he bore on his forearm, fresh and still stinging. His sleeve had rolled up slightly when she grabbed his arm, revealing the cuts.

 

“What are those?” Emma demanded, grabbing his arm to look more closely at them. “Killian… You need help. Serious help. You can’t keep going like this, you’re going to end up dead one day.”

“Swan, don’t. I don’t need help. I am fine.” He said warningly, suddenly feeling entirely too sober for his liking. He tugged the sleeve of his shirt down to hide them, tensing as her eyes remained on his arm. Then they both heard the car pull up, and Killian glanced at it out of the corner of his eye before he cursed. 

 

“Emma? What’s going on?” David asked, walking closer to them both, eyeing Killian suspiciously. He was the town sheriff, and had a deep-seated dislike of Killian, finding him to be everything he hated. They were, in a way, polar opposites of each other, even though Mary Margaret had a soft spot for Killian and had tried, a few times, to invite him over for dinner. A thing that Killian always declined politely, since he liked the petite woman enough to be kind. That was a fact that irritated David to no end.

“David?” Emma asked, frowning. “Is everything okay?”

“I got a phone call about the town drunk stumbling down the streets and knocking things over. Jones, last time wasn’t enough for you?” David asked, scowling at Killian.

“Apparently not, Dave.” He said almost mockingly. A decision he regretted, because he was quickly pressed against the ground, his arms behind his back and cuffs around his wrists. 

“David!” Emma said, sounding both worried and angry. “Be careful with him!”

“It’s fine, Swan, the good sheriff has to prove he can still take down the town drunk despite-“ He grunted as David jerked his arms back, wincing as he was hauled to his feet.

“Shut up, Jones. You’re looking at some heavy jail time for this.” David said, walking him towards the sheriff’s cruiser. He bent him over the trunk of the car and searched him, removing his flask, a small knife, and several bags and prescription bottles of drugs.

“For knocking over trash cans, mate? Really?” Killian scowled, yelping when his head hit the side of the car as David pushed him into the backseat.

“For being a public nuisance, for public intoxication, and for possession with intent to distribute.” David replied, slamming the door shut behind him.

“David…” Emma said, shaking her head and about to protest when David shook his head at her.

“Sorry, Emma. Not this time. He’ll be lucky if he can get out on bail.” David told her, turning around once all the things that Killian had been carrying were cataloged and bagged. He drove off, heading towards the sheriff station, leaving Emma to stare at the disappearing car.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Emma groaned as she sank down onto her couch, rubbing her forehead softly. She had gotten home about twenty minutes after David arrested Killian, not feeling up to seeing anyone after that. Thinking for a moment, she called Killian’s mother, using the phone number he had given Emma for his emergency contact. 

“Mrs. Rogers?” Emma asked when someone answered. “This is Dr. Swan. I’m calling about your son, Killian.”

“What has he done now?” Alice asked with a soft sigh.

“He’s been arrested… I don’t know if bail has been set yet, but I thought you might want to know.”

“Arrested? Is it the drugs again?” Alice closed her eyes, grateful that Mia wasn’t in the room to see her cry.

“Yes… And for a few other things.” Emma replied quietly, as gently as she could.

“Thank you, Doctor. I’ll be along shortly to find out what I can. He’s at the sheriff’s station, I assume?” She asked, trying to be courteous and brief.

“Yes, he is.  When you get there, ask for David Nolan; he’ll be able to help you more.” Emma told her.

 

“Thank you, Doctor.” Alice said, hanging up and calling the sheriff’s station to learn more about Killian’s latest arrest. She was now even more grateful that she was Mia’s legal guardian; at least no one could split up their family, despite Killian’s activities.

 

Thanks to a good lawyer, Killian was able to get off on all the charges, and he was released within three weeks, much to David’s disgust. 

 

Once Killian was released, he spent a day with Mia, and that night, he went on a bender. He’d gone through detox while in jail, but he couldn’t stay sober. It was too painful. So he found rum and drugs, and spent the night aboard his ship. When morning came, he was so drunk and high that he couldn’t do anything but sit at his desk and laugh at nothing. Until he saw Liam.    
  
“Liam?” Killian mumbled, staring through bloodshot eyes. “How?”

 

“I’m not really here, Killian, it’s the drugs. What are you doing to yourself?” Liam shook his head sadly.

 

“You’re dead… You died, and you left me alone. With your heart beating in my chest.” Killian whispered, feeling himself sobering up. He looked around, then grabbed a knife and rolled up his sleeve. Leaving a small red line, he breathed through the sudden pain, the sting clearing his mind and strengthening the hallucination.

 

“Little brother…”

 

“Younger.” Killian scowled.

 

“You’re acting like a child. Look at yourself. What would Milah say? What about Mia?” Killian could see how angry and disappointed Liam was, and that cut him deeper than anything else ever had.

 

“That’s enough.” Killian said, tears in his eyes. “You’re gone. You abandoned me, Liam.”

 

“That wasn’t my choice, little brother.” Liam said quietly.

 

“Younger brother. Now go back wherever you came from. This is too painful for me to bear.”

 

“I can’t. Because I’m inside your mind, Killian. This is a hallucination, remember? You made me.” Liam replied. “My reactions are things you know I would feel. You’re addicted to drugs, and you’re addicted to pain, too.”

 

“No.” Killian shook his head, refusing to accept it even though he knew it was true.

 

“Yes you are, and you’re too blind to see it. If you’re not addicted, put down the bottle, get rid of the razorblades, and stop buying drugs.” Liam challenged him.

 

“I can’t. I… I tried. I just can’t.” Killian said quietly, defeated.

 

“Yes you can, you just don’t want to. I know you got clean in prison. But you couldn’t stay that way, could you? You didn’t even try, you just went right back to the way things were before. You need to stop, or you’re going to leave Mia fatherless. She already lost her mother, how much more loss do you think she can take?” Liam said, staring at Killian pitilessly, mercilessly. “You are not the brother I knew, Killian.”

 

“Go away, Liam.” Killian repeated, turning away and reaching for the bottle of rum next to his bed. When he put the now-empty bottle down, Liam was gone, and Killian was alone with his thoughts once more. Thoughts that were dark and fueled by anger, pain, loss, and alcohol. Liam visited him again the next few days, which Killian spent in a drug-fueled haze, trying to escape his own pain.    
  
Once he sobered up, several days later, there were several empty bottles on the floor around him, some of which were broken. Killian forced himself to his feet, taking two aspirin before he began cleaning up the room, getting rid of the glass and making sure that nothing showed of his latest binge.

 

A few days later, while Killian was in town, buying some things he needed, he noticed a small card tucked into his wallet, something someone had put there without him knowing. He looked at it, then went pale, knowing instantly who it was from.

 

-It looks like someone’s been having fun without me. H.-    
  
Hades. Killian shivered, looking around the store before he paid for his things and left quickly. For the next week or so, he avoided Mia and his mother carefully, not wanting to draw attention to anyone, staying as close to his ship as he could, sleeping only as much as necessary and waking at every sound, no matter how small or familiar it was. Any sound could be him or his men, which Killian knew was no laughing matter. When the phone rang, he jumped, then fumbled for it, nearly dropping it.    
  
“Hello?”

 

“Killian, Mia is asking for you.” Alice said. “You haven’t been to see us all week, what’s going on?”

 

“I can’t come to you for a little while, until it’s safe. I know she misses me, and I miss her, too, but I can’t risk letting anyone see me with her. It’s too dangerous for her, and for you, at least for right now.” Killian replied, sighing deeply. 

 

“And you can’t tell me why you can’t see us?” Alice asked him, her disappointment obvious even over the phone. 

 

“No. It’s about keeping both of you safe, please try to understand that, Mathair.” Killian pleaded.    
  
“I have to go. Your daughter is crying, and she needs me to dry her tears. When you deign to grace us with your presence, call me and I’ll let you know if it’s a good time.” Alice told him before she hung up and gathered Mia into her arms.    
  
Killian put the phone down and held his head in his hand, sobs shaking his shoulders. He had failed Liam, had failed Milah, and now he was failing his daughter and his mother. 

 

“Killian.” A voice said, and he was unsure if he was dreaming or awake.    
  
“Milah?” He asked, his voice trembling, afraid to look away, thinking that if he did, she would disappear. 

 

“You’ve abandoned our daughter, Killian. What happened to the man that I loved? The man who loved me?” Milah asked, staring into his eyes. 

 

“You died, Milah. Someone was responsible for your death, but he was never arrested or even found. We both know who did it, but there’s no way to prove it.” Killian replied, closing his eyes and looking down. 

 

“You have to stop doing this to yourself. Stop blaming yourself for things that you can’t change. Mia needs you. Don’t do to her what your father did to you, Killian. You can be a better man, I’ve seen it in you. You just need some help. You need to put down the bottles, and get rid of the drugs. Your heart won’t take much more strain as it is.” Milah told him, walking closer to him. 

 

“How do you know?” Killian asked, frowning at her. “Are you in my mind the way Liam is?”   
  
“Of course I am. Otherwise, you’d be insane, my love. And you aren’t, that much is true.” Milah said, reaching out to caress his cheek. 

  
Killian tilted his head slightly into her hand, his eyes falling shut, and for a moment, he imagined he could feel her touching him. For a moment, the pain of the last few years faded, and he felt whole again. But it was an illusion, the alcohol and drugs making him hallucinate, and the imagined feeling quickly faded, as did Milah. Killian opened his eyes, and when he realized whatever he had seen was gone, he broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. It felt almost like losing her a second time, and the pain all came rushing back, slamming into him at once like a physical blow.    
  
He reached for a fresh bottle, but then caught sight of himself in the mirror and froze. The person staring back at him was little more than skin and bones, with dark circles beneath his eyes, shaggy, unkempt hair, and red-rimmed eyes. “Gods…” Killian whispered raggedly, shuddering. “What have I become? What did I turn into?” He put the bottle aside, then stood up and got dressed, noticing suddenly how loose his clothes were on him now. Grabbing his keys, he began walking to Granny’s, intending to get some real food, even if it would be made to go, as always. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian gets attacked by someone from his past and ends up in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. This chapter also contains whump, so if that's not your thing, be aware of it. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjr for her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

Stopping outside, he recognized a car and braced himself, then walked into the restaurant, determined not to let on that he was terrified. Killian should have known that Hades would have waited him out. It was a favored tactic of his; have men with guns ready, and let the prey walk into the hunter’s reach. 

 

“Granny, could I trouble you for the fried fish with mashed potatoes and gravy, and coleslaw on the side? To go, of course.” Killian requested politely when he saw she wasn’t occupied with any other customers.    
  
“I’ll have it ready in ten minutes, Killian, just sit there and don’t get into trouble.” Granny replied, having a bit of a soft spot for him despite his addictions and troubles. 

 

When the little bell over the door went off, just after Killian had sat down to wait for his food, Killian looked up to see Granny reaching for the crossbow she kept on the wall. He had always assumed it was a decoration, but clearly, he was wrong. “Put that away, Granny, he’s not here to cause trouble, he’s only looking for me.” Killian told her, looking up to meet her eyes. Granny eyed him for a long moment, then nodded once and set the crossbow back on the wall. 

 

It had only a week since Killian found the card in his pocket. But here was Hades, walking into his life again. Hades was the one who first introduced Killian to cocaine, and had reeled him in quickly until his hooks were so deeply embedded in Killian that there was no escaping the demon, and Killian had learned that he didn’t want to escape. 

 

“Hello, Captain.” He said in his falsely cheerful voice, sitting at Granny's diner and reaching for the menu beside the cash register. Killian turned around to face him slowly, staying perfectly calm. At least on the outside. On the inside, he was frightened, and furious. This was his home, and his family was here. And dozens of innocent people. There was still just enough good form in him to care about that.

 

“Hades. What brings you here?” Killian asked politely, though he wished that Hades was somewhere far away from his daughter and mother.

 

“Business. Someone owes me a lot of money. I'm here to collect on the debt.” Hades replied, standing up and walking closer to Killian. He sat down on the chair beside Killian’s, wrapping his arm around Killian’s shoulder.

 

“Who is it? I might be able to help.” Killian offered, hoping it would mean Hades left sooner rather than later, carefully edging out from beneath Hades’ arm. 

 

“You owe me a lot of money, Killian. Those drugs you dumped were worth thousands. I want my money.” The man told him. Really, no one that filthy and evil should look so human. That was a crime in and of itself. 

 

Killian shook his head, raising an eyebrow. “I don't have it because I didn’t dump any drugs. Your information is bad.” Killian told him, shrugging. “Might want to talk to your underlings again, mate. One of them seems to be lying to you.” He said, turning back to the meal he now had no appetite for.

 

“If you didn't dump them, where are my profits?” Hades demanded. “Those drugs were worth hundreds of thousands. They were pure, uncut. My buyers are not happy, and I can’t run a business with unhappy buyers. They're already starting to find other suppliers. I’m losing money by the second, Captain, all because of your mistake.”

 

“Why don't you ask Pan about it? He's the one who I delivered my shipment to.” Killian said, sipping at his cup of tea as though he were untroubled by Hades’s accusations.

 

“Pan tells me he never got a shipment. That somewhere between Ireland and here, the drugs went missing. Which leads me to you and your ship. I've searched it. I don't have a shipment. So I want my money. If I don't have it by the end of the week, heads will start rolling. Beginning with yours, Captain.” Hades said with a bright and cheerful smile before he left, still smiling widely.

 

“Bloody demon.” Killian muttered under his breath, paying for his tea and leaving. He had four days to come up with $200,000. He didn't really want to think about the alternative. Killian knew all too well what Hades was capable of, and the man wouldn’t think twice about harming anyone if it got him his money.

 

Over the next four days, he gathered every penny he had, finally ending up with $175,000. He was $25,000 short, but then he heard about Pan’s death. Evidently, Pan had been stealing from Hades and had gotten lazy. His mistakes caught Hades’s notice, and now, Pan had paid the price. With any luck, Hades would be pleased to gain almost all of the money from Killian’s shipment. 

 

But once again, luck was not on Killian’s side. 

 

“Captain! Do you have my money?” Hades asked, rubbing his hands together. 

 

“Almost all of it. I'm short $25,000.” Killian told him, eyeing the group of men who were standing around him and Hades in a circle. He tensed, expecting a fight, and was ready for one, as he often was where Hades was concerned. 

 

“Well, it is better than nothing… So, today is your lucky day. You get to live. But… My men need a little fun. So they're going to play a little game. I like to call it Blackout. It’s got one rule. They do whatever they want to you, so long as they don’t kill you. I already had the man who was responsible for the lost shipment killed, but that was too easy. My men need some target practice. You’re the target.”

 

“The first man to touch me dies.” Killian scowled, reaching into his pockets and taking out his knives. The circle closed in tighter around him, leaving just enough of an opening for Hades and his dog to come inside. That made Killian more nervous, though it didn’t show on his face. He looked perfectly calm, and Hades grinned, walking around Killian in a circle, almost predatory in the way he looked at Killian.

 

“No one is going to die today. Not even you, Captain. You'll live… Though you might wish for death in the end. Maybe I’ll keep you for myself… Depending on how badly they break you before you pass out. It might be fun to have a pet as handsome as you.” Hades informed him with a laugh. He unchained his dog, a monstrous beast who looked like a bear instead of a dog. Complete with fangs and huge claws that looked capable of tearing a man to ribbons. 

 

The dog lunged, and Killian threw one of his knives. His aim was good, but the thick fur around the dog’s neck kept the knife from doing any real damage. And then the dog struck, and Killian cried out. The men moved in, giving the dog space, and before very long, Killian was unconscious. He had tried to fight back, but the dog had torn into his leg, leaving him unable to balance properly. His eye was swollen shut, with the other barely able to open, and there were other wounds marking his body. Blood covered his clothes, or what was left of them, at least. Killian had clearly been beaten to within an inch of his life.    
  
Hades took the money, counted it twice, then snapped his fingers, calling off his dog. “Take him and dump him in front of a hospital.” He ordered one of his men. “Let them bring him back, or let him die there. I got what I wanted.” He pocketed the money as he looked down at Killian. “Such a waste. He was one of my best runners.” Hades muttered, tucking a dead flower into one of the buttonholes of Killian’s shirt before he turned away. “Let’s go, boys. Time is money, and both are wasting the longer I stay in this hick town.”    
  
Two of his men grabbed Killian and carried him to the nearby hospital, then dumped him on the ground in front of the doors, further aggravating his injuries. One of them paused to look back at him, then shook his head and walked away after his friend. “He was handsome. But I don’t think he’s going to make it. Should we torch his ship? Or take it for ourselves?”

 

“We do what Hades said. Leave the ship; we did our job. It’s better not to keep the boss waiting. Besides, if he lives, the boss might want him to keep running drugs.” The other man said. “If we’re lucky, he’ll give us an extra cut.”

 

David, who was parked across the street, had seen the whole thing. He pulled out his phone, making a quick decision, and dialled 9-1-1.

 

“Operator. What’s the emergency?”

 

“There’s a man down on the sidewalk in front of Storybrooke General. Injuries unknown.” David reported over his cell phone. “Send a doctor and a stretcher for him.”

 

The car pulled away from the curb slowly, following the men. David left the lights and sirens off deliberately, trying not to draw attention to himself. He had a bad feeling about them, especially after what he heard them say. If Killian had been anywhere but in front of the hospital, David would have stayed, but he had called in for medical attention. Medical attention that never came, thanks to a garbled phone call that was ultimately dropped. 

 

The pair never got their extra cut. Two blocks away, they were picked up by David, and arrested for assault, attempted murder, and possession of controlled substances. They quickly gave up Hades and the rest of the crew, and David took great pleasure in handing all of them over to the FBI once he realized who Hades was.

 

Emma was walking back to her house after work, having stayed late to get some of her paperwork done. It was a small town, and while she had a receptionist, some of the paperwork had to be completed by Emma herself. That was when she saw Killian on the ground outside the hospital, not moving. 

 

“Killian? Killian! I need some help out here!” She shouted, kneeling down and checking for a pulse before she took stock of his injuries. His pulse was faint, but there, which was a miracle, given what had happened to him. A pair of nurses brought out a stretcher, and Emma helped lift him onto it. “He’s had a heart transplant, uses cocaine and opioids regularly, and drinks a lot of alcohol. He also takes heart medication. I don’t know what happened, I found him outside like this.”

 

“I know what happened. Hades confessed to it. He had Killian beaten almost to death for allegedly stealing from him, but later learned it wasn’t Killian who was responsible. Dog bites, plus knife wounds and blunt force trauma. A pipe, I think, or something like that.” David said, looking Killian over quickly without touching him. “He’s been arrested, as well as his men, and the FBI took over the case, since he’s an international criminal.” He told Emma as Killian was wheeled away into a trauma room. “I need a statement from you, though, since this will be used against Hades too.”

 

“Who the hell is Hades?” Emma demanded.

 

“An international drug runner. Kingpin, really.” David explained. “The FBI was after him for a while, but no one ever thought he’d come to a place like this. They’ve got a lot of intel on him, and he’s not getting out of jail anytime soon, if ever. Once we’re done with him, there are other countries who want a piece too.”

 

“What does that mean for Killian?” She asked warily, suddenly afraid for him. He wouldn’t survive in prison. If his heart didn’t kill him, being locked up would.

 

“There’s no proof he was anything but a victim for Hades. The FBI didn’t know his name.” David told her. “So Killian’s in the clear, as long as he keeps his nose clean after this.”

 

“You’d do that for him?” She asked, surprised by his sudden change of heart where Killian was concerned.

 

“I’m doing it so that I don’t have his death on my conscience. He’d die in federal prison, you and I both know that. I’m not going to lose sleep over someone like him.” He answered. “He’s not worth an hour’s sleep as far as I’m concerned.”

 

“There’s the David I know and love.” Emma muttered teasingly, shaking her head. “You know he’s not a bad person. He’s just had a lot of bad luck.”

 

“Bad luck is one thing, bad decisions are another.” David replied without sympathy. “He’s got a daughter to think of, which is something he hasn’t been doing.”

 

“He has a daughter?” Emma asked, caught off guard. Killian had never mentioned a daughter before, but maybe there was a reason for that. Given what she knew about Hades now, it did make sense for him to keep his private life a carefully guarded secret.

 

“Yeah. Her mother is dead, died years ago in a car accident in another town. His mother is raising Mia. She’s a good kid, deserves better than a junkie for a father.” David told her absently, filling out some paperwork.

 

“He’s not just a junkie, David.” Emma said, giving him a look.

 

“Come on, he’s pretty messed up, Emma. Why does he mean so much to you?” David asked, frowning at her. “Don’t tell me you have feelings for him. He’s bad news.”

 

“Because he and I have a lot in common.” She replied quietly, turning to look at Killian. Emma’s eyes softened slightly, suddenly understanding more about him than she had before. She also deliberately didn’t answer David’s second question, since she wasn’t sure how to answer it herself.

 

David was about to say something else when he saw someone from the corner of his eye and looked up to see Alice Rogers coming down the hallway.

 

“Where is my son?” She asked, looking between David and Emma. “Where’s Killian?”

 

“He’s in there, Ms. Rogers, recovering from surgery.” Emma told her, nodding towards the recovery area. “Dr. Whale can tell you more, and I’m sure when he’s awake, you can go in and see him.”

 

“What happened to him?” Alice demanded, tears in her eyes as she stared at Killian’s bruised, battered, and bandaged body.

 

“Does the name Hades mean anything to you?” David asked Alice, slipping back into his role as sheriff.

 

“Hades? No. Why?” Alice frowned at him, shaking her head.

 

“That’s the man responsible for this. He’s been arrested, and the FBI took him into custody.” David explained. “Where’s Mia?”

 

“She’s with Granny, at the diner. Is everything alright, Sheriff Nolan?” Alice told him. 

 

“Alright. I’m going to stop there on my way home, and make sure everything there is alright.” David replied.

 

“What for?” Alice frowned at him, worried even more than she already had been. “What’s going on?”

 

“Just in case, Ms. Rogers. I’m sure I arrested all of them, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.” David reassured her with a smile. 

 

“My granddaughter might be in danger?” Alice demanded. 

 

“I don’t think so. I just want to make sure nothing’s going on.” David told her. 

 

“Can you drop me off at Granny’s? I’ll take her home with me. Killian will understand, when he wakes up.” Alice said, looking at Killian before turning back to David.

 

“Sure. My car is out front.” David replied, leading Alice down the hallway and leaving Emma outside Killian’s room.    
  
Emma looked into the room, something about how vulnerable Killian was touching her heart. She took a deep breath, then walked in and sat down in the chair beside his bed, waiting for him to wake up. 

 

The next day, when Emma woke up, Alice was sitting in the chair on the other side of Killian’s bed, a sad, worried expression on her face.    
  
“He’s going to be alright.” Emma said quietly, not wanting to startle the older woman. Alice looked up at her, then smiled softly.   
  
“He’s a fighter, despite everything. I just wish that this hadn’t happened.” Alice replied. “You must be Emma. Thank you for calling me, I might never have known otherwise.”

 

“It was the right thing to do.” Emma shrugged, glancing at Killian’s vital signs. “They’re normal. No brain damage, no heart issues yet, and his oxygen level is steady.”

 

“You’re his doctor?” Alice asked her, looking up from Killian.

 

“Yeah. His cardiologist, Emma Swan.” She introduced herself. “The circumstances suck, but I’m glad that I got to meet you. I’m worried about him, and not just because he’s in a hospital bed right now.”   
  


“The drugs and the drink, aye?” Alice asked with a soft sigh.

 

“It’s destroying his heart and his liver. If he keeps up like this, he’s going to need a new heart. The damage may already be done. Did you know that he also cuts himself?” Emma asked her gently, nothing but concern in her eyes.

 

“He what?” Alice stared at her, blinking. 

 

“He’s got self-harm scars on his arms, stomach, and thighs.” Emma explained.    
  
“Killian has always struggled with addictions… But I never knew he was harming himself this way. The drugs and alcohol, yes, but not anything else. If I had known, I’d have insisted he move in with me, so I could stop him from doing some of this.” Alice told her, now looking even more worried. 

 

“He’s stubborn, I know that much. He might not have listened to you, even if he’d been living in your house.” Emma replied gently. 

 

“You might be right about that. I’m still learning about my son.” Alice agreed quietly, looking back at Killian. 

 

“What do you mean?” Emma asked, frowning slightly in confusion.

 

“Killian’s father kidnapped him and his brother when Killian was only five years old, while I was at work. I never thought I would see either of my sons again, but I’m glad I was able to find Killian, at least. At Milah’s funeral. He told me what had happened, to her and to Liam. And to Brennan, as well. As far as he knows, at least. Brennan abandoned them both, left them to deal with his debts. Liam found him later, with another wife and a young son, but Brennan refused to help Killian.”

 

“What kind of man does that?” Emma said, shaking her head sadly.

 

“Brennan was never a good man. But I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me, too. I was wrong, on both counts. He only wanted sons to work for him, and once he got what he wanted, he left me.” Alice told her before a little girl ran in. 

 

“Who’s this?” Emma asked.

 

“This is my granddaughter, Mia. Killian’s daughter.” Alice said. “Mia, this is Dr. Swan, she’s going to help your Papa get better.” Mia looked up at Emma, who smiled at her softly. 

 

“Hi there. I’m Emma.” Emma introduced herself.    
  
“Is my Papa gonna die?” Mia asked.

 

“We’re going to make sure that your Papa doesn’t die, Mia. I promise.” Emma replied, crouching down in front of Mia and meeting the little girl’s eyes. Mia searched her eyes, and then smiled, accepting what Emma said.

 

Alice smiled softly as she watched them, then turned to Killian, the smile fading. She knew how badly he was injured, and how quickly he could turn from stable to dead, especially in a coma. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma starts spending more time with Mia and visits Killian every day while he’s in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjrfor her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

For the next six weeks, he remained stable, and Alice refused to even consider taking him off life support. Emma had told her that his brain was still functioning, and as long as it was healthy, he could wake up. Alice was refusing to give up hope that he would wake up, even when the doctors grew frustrated with her.  
  
While Killian was in the hospital, Emma got to know Mia, and spent time with her and Alice. While Alice was sitting with Killian, Mia would spend hours with Emma, doing all kinds of things. And while Emma was at work, Mia would sometimes visit her, learning about what Emma did. The two became close, with Emma seeing Mia as family before very long.

The more time Emma spent with Mia, the more she wondered how like Killian his daughter was. Mia was energetic, curious, and always eager to please and learn more. When she grew up, Emma suspected she would be as good looking as her father was; she was the spitting image of him. Dark hair, eyes blue as forget me nots, and a smile that could light up a room.

“Emma?” Mia asked one day, five weeks after Killian had been found outside the hospital.

“Yeah, kid?” Emma replied, looking up at her from where she was sitting at her desk. Mia was at her own smaller desk, something Emma had bought as a gift for the little girl, along with a miniature lab coat for her to wear at the office.

“When is Papa going to wake up?” She asked, still coloring in a picture in one of her coloring books. Emma hesitated, knowing that the question would have come up sooner or later.

“Soon, I hope. He’s still healing, and he’s had a lot of stitches.” To Emma’s relief, Mia understood what that meant, thanks to a minor cut on her arm when she had fallen at the local park. “He needs time for the cuts to heal.”

“And he’s not going to die?” Mia asked her, looking up with tears in her eyes. Emma’s heart broke a little bit at the look in Mia’s eyes, and she moved closer to the little girl, crouching down beside her.  
  
“No. The doctors and I won’t let that happen. And the stitches he got are keeping him alive.” Emma soothed, picking Mia up and hugging her gently. “You’ll have your Papa back soon, kid. I promise.” Emma only hoped she could keep that promise, or Mia would never forgive her. Having been abandoned herself, Emma knew that was true, and she also knew how Mia felt about losing her mother and possibly losing her father.

The day Killian woke up, a week after Mia had asked about him, Emma was sitting in the hospital room, curled up in a chair, reading over his chart and file. He’d gone through detox for the second time, and this time, Emma hoped it would stick. Alice had already combed through his belongings, getting rid of the alcohol, knives, drugs, and drug paraphernalia. Anything that reminded him of his former addictions was quickly disposed of, with David’s help. He put the drugs in the evidence locker, while Alice kept the knives and poured the alcohol down the sink.

When Killian began to move, Emma looked up, watching him closely, hoping that he was going to wake up. Then his eyes opened, and she put his chart and file on the side, getting up and resting his hand on her shoulder.

“Hey. Try not to move too much.” Emma said quietly, seeing him start to move. And then he coughed, trying to pull the feeding tube out.

“He- Killian, whoa, hang on. Killian, that’s really not a good idea. Nurse!” Emma shouted over her shoulder.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian is in a coma, and sees various people from his past. What will happen when he wakes up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjr for her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!
> 
> Additional disclaimer: While the way that Killian got over his addiction can actually happen, it is NOT MEDICALLY RECOMMENDED. Please do not attempt it as an actual treatment.

Opening his eyes slowly,  Killian fully expected to see Hades standing over him, gloating about having bested the infamous Captain Hook, as he was known in Hades’ world. But he was alone, laying on a soft bed, or maybe a divan, not that it mattered. It was soft, comfortable, and he felt warm. Not hot, or uncomfortable, though. It felt more like being wrapped in warm silk, or a lover’s embrace, comforting and soothing. Then he sensed someone else and looked around, getting to his feet slowly, squinting through the mist that swirled around the room.    
  
Killian’s eyes widened in recognition, and he hardly dared to believe what he was seeing. “Milah…?”    
  
“Hello, my love.” Milah greeted him softly, smiling tenderly. 

 

‘Where am I?” He asked, looking around before he looked back at her. “I’m not dead… Am I?”

 

“No. But you’re close. You have to keep fighting to stay alive. Mia needs you.” Milah told him, cupping his cheek in her hand gently. “I know that Hades and his men did a lot of damage. You’re in a coma.”    
  
“A coma?” He blinked, then frowned. “Does that mean all this is a hallucination?” Killian asked, looking around again.    
  
“Yes and no. It’s real, but it’s also happening in your mind.” Milah replied, sitting back down on the bed with him.    
  
“Can I stay here forever?” He asked her, turning to face her.    
  
“No. This isn’t a permanent place. You can either go back to the real world, or you can move on. This is just like waiting to board a ship or watching someone else sail away.” Milah explained. 

 

“And what happens if I stay?” Killian asked, looking her over.   
  
“You’ll stay in a coma until someone else makes the choice for you.” She said, stroking his hair back from his forehead. “And we both know that you don’t want that to happen, do you?”

 

“No. I don’t.” Killian agreed, closing his eyes for a moment. “But this place is so...soothing. And the real world isn’t.” 

 

“Killian, you have to wake up.” Milah urged. “You can’t stop fighting now. Come on, open your eyes.”    
  
“I don’t want to, Milah. I’m so tired, and everything hurts.” Killian whispered. The room around them was some soft color, soothing to him, and something he wasn’t willing to leave. 

 

“You can’t stay here. You have to go back.” Milah replied, turning his face towards her. “Mia needs you, Killian. If you stay here, you’ll die. It’s not your time to die yet.”   
  
“How do you know that? Why does everyone think they can control my future?” Killian scowled, shaking his head.   
  
“I’m not trying to control you. I’ve been dead long enough to know some things that you don’t.” Milah told him, resting her hand over his. This time, unlike the hallucination, Killian could feel her touch. 

 

“I don’t want to leave you again, Milah.” Killian whispered, looking up at her, lacing his fingers into hers.    
  
“You can’t stay here, Killian.” Liam said, walking up behind Milah. “You’re not meant to die yet. You’ve still got a long life ahead of you. Mia needs you, and so does Emma.”    
  
“Emma doesn’t need me… She’s strong enough to live without me.” Killian replied, looking up at Liam before he scowled. “And you’re not in a position to lecture me, Liam. You abandoned me.”

 

“That wasn’t my choice, little brother. But I’d do it the same way again no matter what, because it meant you survived.” Liam answered, meeting Killian’s eyes. 

 

Killian’s scowl deepened and he turned away, his gaze meeting Milah’s again. “I need you, Milah. Mia needs you. Why didn’t you fight for us?”   
  
“I miss you both, too, but Mia will never be without me. She dreams of me, sometimes, I know that much. But she has everything she needs now. And when you wake up, she’ll have you again, too.” Milah said gently, wrapping her arms around Killian and holding him close to her.  “And I did fight for you. But I wasn’t strong enough. You are.”   
  
Killian turned his head and kissed Milah’s cheek softly, letting her touch and closeness soothe him. “It’s so hard, Milah… It’s so hard being without you.” He whispered in her ear.    
  
“I know, Killian. It was hard for me, too, at first. Like looking through a two-way mirror, unable to reach you or Mia. I hated it so much. But now I see it differently. At least I still get to see you both.” Milah replied, her eyes softening as she kissed his cheek, stroking his hair lightly. “Even if seeing you isn’t as painless as it used to be. Someone else, someone living, is slowly falling in love with you.”    
  
“What? Who? How? I… I still love you, Milah, and I can’t let you go.” Killian said, his eyes widening as he stared at her.    
  
“It’s not about letting me go so much as it is accepting that I’m not going to ever be able to come back. It’s also about letting yourself heal, and letting yourself be open to living again.” Milah told him gently, meeting his eyes.

 

“I know I’m alive.” He frowned at her. “I’m open to being alive.”

  
“Do you really? If you knew that, you wouldn’t be doing a lot of the things you do.” Liam said, staring at him almost angrily.    
  
Killian looked up, then stood and walked closer to his brother, his hand closing into a fist. “I looked up to you. I practically worshipped you. And you still abandoned me. And even worse, you gave me your heart.”    
  
“Going to hit me, little brother? Go ahead. Do your worst. But even at your best, you were never a match for me.” Liam scoffed, shaking his head in disappointment. “And the Killian I knew would never have dreamed of turning on me.”    
  
“I despise you, Liam. The great, noble, perfect Liam. What a disappointment I must be to you. An alcoholic, and a drug addict, but at least I never pretended to be a role model, never tried to hide who I really was.” Killian snarled, moving without even intending to. When his fist struck Liam’s eye, both brothers stared, their eyes wide with disbelief.    
  
Milah stood up and moved away, her eyes resting on Killian, who looked shaken, and pale. “Killian.” She called to him gently.    
  
Killian’s head snapped around and his eyes met hers. His gaze was wild, as though he were not in control of himself at all. “Aye?”   
  
“Come for a walk with me. Liam, go home.” Milah said, looking past Killian at Liam, whose eyes betrayed anger and sadness. The elder Jones brother nodded and simply vanished into thin air, leaving Killian and Milah alone.    
  
“You probably shouldn’t have done that.” Milah told him gently, taking his hand in both of hers. “Even if he’s not the man you thought he was, he doesn’t deserve that.”    
  
“Milah… Imagine yourself in my place. The man who raised me hates me, looks at me with pity and disgust and disappointment, but he’s no innocent, is he? He’s just like me.” Killian replied, sighing deeply.    
  
Milah began walking towards another area in the room, which Killian noticed was changing into a beach at sunset. “Remember this? This was one of our happiest memories.” Milah said, her eyes softening as she smiled at the memory. “When you first told me how you felt about me.”    
  
“Aye, love, I remember it. I dream about it sometimes, and wake up in tears because the dream feels so real, but I still wake up alone.” Killian replied, studying the scene in front of them. “Those were the best days of my life. Just you, and me, and the sea. Before things got hard, complicated, and unbearable.”

 

“When you wake up, I want you to do something for me. I want you to take Mia here, and walk down the beach with her, like we did.” Milah requested, turning to look at Killian, who wrapped his arms around Milah before he nodded.    
  
“I will. When she’s a bit older, and when I’m clean.” Killian promised.    
  
“Now, I need you to wake up. You need to fight for your right to live, for our daughter’s sake. We’ll see each other again one day, but not for a long, long time. I love you, Killian. This is goodbye, for now. But you’re going to be alright. I know it.” Milah said, growing fainter with each word until Killian was alone. He closed his eyes on the beach, a light flashing around him, and pain slammed into him as he became aware of the world around him.   
  


Opening his eyes slowly, Killian realized he was in a hospital again, with an air tube in his nose and a feeding tube in his mouth. He coughed and choked, fighting down the rising panic at the foreign thing in his throat, and slowly began to pull it out.

“He- Killian, whoa, hang on. Killian, that’s really not a good idea. Nurse!” Emma shouted over her shoulder, pressing the call button on Killian’s bed. A nurse came running, saw what was going on, then removed the tube and wiped his mouth before pouring him some water. 

“Drink that slowly, and I’ll send the doctor in soon.” She said, glancing at Emma with a smile. Emma smiled back, then sat down next to Killian’s bed.

Killian sipped at the water slowly, grimacing at the pain from his injuries. Then he looked up at Emma, raising an eyebrow.

“The last thing I remember is Hades and his men, with that blasted hellbeast he calls a dog, using me for a bloody chew toy. What happened after that?” Killian asked, his voice rough, hoarse from the lack of use and the mild chafing of the tube that had been in his throat.

“You didn’t show up for your appointment, and I got a little worried. It’s not like you, and I got a little nervous. Because of that, I stayed at the office late, finishing up some paperwork, hoping you’d gotten drunk and mixed up the times of the appointment. When it got late, I left, and saw you in front of the hospital, unconscious, bleeding to death. You’ve been in a coma for six weeks, Killian.” Emma told him, sliding her hand into his gently.

“What?” He stared at her, his eyes widening. “Six weeks?”

“There was swelling on your brain, and a lot of wounds that were dangerously close to your heart. All of that, plus the shock to your system from the blood loss, put you in a coma. You almost died.” She explained, her eyes soft, sympathetic without being pitying.

“Liam’s heart?” Killian asked quietly after a minute, his eyes meeting hers.

Emma gazed at him for a moment. “Don’t you mean your heart?” She finally asked, frowning slightly. 

“Swan…” Killian clenched his jaw, not meeting her eyes. The memory of Liam with a black eye was fresh in his mind, and the pain of it was deep.

“It’s fine, Killian. It wasn’t damaged at all, at least not from this attack. But… The drug use damaged it, and… You’re back on the donor list. But you’re close to the bottom, because of the reason you need a new heart. This would be your second one, and UNOS, the donor registry, is reluctant to arrange for you to get a new heart.” Emma explained, sitting back down beside his bed.

 

“That’s not surprising. I didn’t think they would be putting me on the list at all.” Killian replied before he looked up, meeting her eyes. “My mother and daughter?” He asked her, going pale for a moment at the thought of any harm coming to either one of them.

“They’re fine, too. They didn’t realize that family members can have different last names, so none of them know the connection. You could have been killed, do you realize that?” Emma demanded, scowling at him. “If you weren’t injured and stuck in bed, I’d hit you myself for being an idiot.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Killian replied tiredly, laying his head back down. “I should have died years ago as it was.”

 

“Of course it would be a bad thing. Your daughter still needs you.” Emma said forcefully, staring at him angrily. 

 

“Mia needs someone better than me.” Killian replied, sighing tiredly.

 

“And yet she still wants and needs you. Are you going to abandon her? Is that really who you are?” She stared at him, disbelief and the beginnings of anger on her face and in her eyes.

 

“The man I was died when Liam’s heart was put into my chest. I see him sometimes, in dreams and when I’m awake. When I’m high, or drunk, or I’ve cut myself. Sometimes he’s happy, but most of the time, he’s not. He’s angry, and disappointed.” Killian told her quietly, not meeting her eyes. “He shouts at me, too, but I know that it’s not real. It’s not really him. Just… Things I know he would say or do. It’s based on memories, not on hallucinations or visions.”

 

“So that’s why you do all that?” Emma asked, frowning. It made sense, but at the same time, it didn’t.

 

“He was the only one I had while I was growing up. Losing him…” Killian shook his head, unable to say anything else.

 

“Killian… Just because you can’t see him doesn’t mean he isn’t there. He raised you, and because of that, part of him lives in you. And I don’t mean his heart, either.” Emma’s eyes softened slightly as she gazed at him, resting her hand on his gently. 

 

“I’m not even half the man he was, Swan.” Killian replied, closing his eyes. 

 

“You’re more than the man he was, Killian. You’ve got a daughter, and even with everything you do, you’re still someone to look up to. You’re not just a drunken, drug addicted idiot like everyone else thinks. You’re something more, and you know you are. Why are you hiding it away? Mia needs to see it, she needs to see what I see in you.” Emma asked him, meeting his eyes, trying to figure him out. Just when she thought she had the full puzzle, there was another piece, a deeper layer to him. Would he ever stop surprising her? 

 

“There’s nothing more to me than what I am right now, Swan. A drug addict, a drunkard… A disappointment to everyone around me.” He said, shaking his head and looking away from her.

 

“Stop lying to yourself, Killian.” Emma said, turning his face back towards hers gently. “You can’t keep hiding away from the world. You’re not just a disappointment, you’re so much more than that. You and I, we understand each other. You can be a part of something, or you can do what you do best and survive. But you need to make a choice, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

 

“So passionate, Swan. Why do you care so much about this? About me?” Killian asked, his eyes searching hers.

 

“I was adopted. And then sent back when his wife died from heart failure. Her husband had his own daughter at that point, so I didn’t matter anymore. I don’t want Mia to feel the way I felt when I was a child. To feel lost and alone because the person who should have cared about her didn’t. Because he couldn’t see past his own loss to be there for her. She already lost her mother. Do you really want her to lose her father, too?” Emma asked him, tilting her head as she looked into his eyes.

 

Killian looked down, sighing deeply. “I’ve made a real mess of this. Why should I have to choose?”

 

“Because life isn’t fair, Killian. If it were, then Liam would still be here, Milah would still be part of her daughter’s life, and you would have been healthy. But then we never would have met. So, there’s always some deal to be made, even if we don’t like the exchange. Besides, it’s not really a choice, is it? He’s still a part of you, and so is she, and they always will be.” Emma replied quietly.

 

“Deals.” Killian scoffed before he nodded, shoving a hand through his hair. “How do you do it, Swan? Stay so strong despite everything? How do you know so much about life?”

 

“I’m not that strong, Killian. I just know how to hide my pain. And I learned some hard lessons growing up as a runaway.”

 

“You ran away from your foster home?” He asked, looking at her more closely, and really seeing her in that instant.

 

“From my group home.” Emma said, leaning back in her chair as her walls went back up quickly.

 

“Why?” Killian tilted his head, searching her eyes. He wanted to know more about her, to learn everything he could about this woman who had never stopped fighting for him, even when she was fighting him, too. 

 

“First, I wanted to find my parents. After that, well… I couldn’t go back. The people who ran the group home were abusive, and the other kids loved picking on the new girl that no one wanted.” Emma told him, fiddling with a necklace she wore, a swan pendant on the chain. 

 

“What’s that?” Killian asked, nodding towards the necklace.   
  
“This is a gift someone gave me, years ago, before he left me to be arrested for a crime he’d committed. He called a tip in to the cops so he could get away. I took the fall for him, and spent a year in prison in Phoenix.” Emma replied, not meeting his eyes.    
  
Killian gazed at her for a moment, then took her hand and laced his fingers through hers, trying to show her, without words, that he was there for her. Emma looked up at him slowly, then gave him a small smile when she saw the gentle smile on his face.

 

“My father didn’t want me, either.” He said quietly, the smile dropping quickly. “He ran away, leaving us behind, and I never saw him again. It was always Liam and I against the world, and even then, at times, Liam would shoulder most of the burdens. I never really learned how to function on my own. If I had to guess, I would say that’s why I’m an addict now.”

 

“Well, now that you know it and you’ve admitted it, what are you going to do about it?” She asked him, meeting his eyes, not letting him look away.

 

“Do?” He blinked at her, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Killian…” Emma sighed, shaking her head at him.

 

“I’ll start going to counseling and being a father to Mia.” He replied slowly. “And start piecing my life back together, one piece at a time.”

 

“There’s a man in town, a psychologist. His name is Nemo. Archie focuses more on children, so Nemo would be your best bet.” Emma offered. 

 

“How do you know that?” Killian asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

 

“We’re all doctors. We talk to each other. Except for Whale.” Emma said with a soft smile.

 

“Who?” Killian frowned at her.

 

“You haven’t met him yet, but he’s the only doctor in this hospital. It’s pathetic, but it is a small town, and there’s not a lot of patients. He’s been your doctor the last six weeks. Well, him and me.” She said with a soft chuckle.

 

“You’ve been checking up on me this entire time?” Killian blinked, his brows furrowed. “Really?”

 

“Yeah, I was worried about you. When you came in, you looked like someone tried to turn you into a hamburger.” Emma replied, sobering up as she looked at him, and he saw the worry still in her eyes.

 

“I want to see Mia, if that’s alright? How bad do I look now?” Killian asked anxiously, wishing for a mirror.

 

“Not bad at all. Your bruises are all healed, and so are your broken bones. You don’t have any brain damage, either, which is good.” Emma told him, grabbing his chart and looking it over quickly before looking back at him. “I think you should be fine to see her tomorrow, and you should be out of the hospital in another week, as long as nothing else happens.”

 

“And if you could get me this Nemo’s phone number, too, I’d appreciate it very much.” Killian requested, his thumb brushing lightly over her hand.

 

“Sure, not a problem. Tomorrow, though. Just rest for today. You did just wake up, and we’ve talked about a lot of stuff. How does food sound? You’re okay to eat something sort of solid. Broth or soup, something like that.” She replied, trying not to focus on how good his touch felt.

 

“Aye, that sounds like a good idea to me.” Killian nodded, sitting up a little more in the bed, noticing her response to his touch. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Emma called for the nurse, and requested a liquid lunch for him. It turned out to be broth, water, and a small roll he could dip into the broth before eating it.

 

When the meal came, Killian raised the bed and sat up, then began eating ravenously, leaving the bowl empty and the roll gone. “That was delicious.”

 

“It was also the first thing you’ve eaten in six weeks. It would be delicious.” Emma teased, laughing softly.

 

Killian took a pillow and swatted her with it lightly, laughing at the look on her face. She began tickling him, and when Alice cleared her throat, both of them looked up, embarrassed. They had both been so consumed with each other that neither had noticed her standing there.

 

“Don’t mind me, you two, I’ll just sit here in the corner with my crocheting.” Alice said with a smile and a knowing look in her eye. 

 

“Mathair…” Killian muttered, the tips of his ears red, though he was pleased to see her. “How long have you been standing there?”

 

“How are you feeling, son? And not very long, just long enough to see Emma tickling you.” Alice grinned at him mischievously. 

 

“Better, though I wouldn’t turn down some of your stew right now.” Killian replied, giving her a smile. Alice laughed at him, shaking her head. 

 

“Once you’re home, I’ll fatten you up again. You’re too skinny.” Alice told him, looking him over. “I got rid of the bottles and drugs from your ship, too. And you’ll stay with me for a little while, until I can be sure that you won’t start using again.”

 

“Alright.” He said quietly. The beating from Hades and his crew had terrified him, and Emma had also gotten through to him, at least enough to get him started on fixing his life, putting things back the way they should have been. The visions he’d had of Milah had helped as well. “But what about Mia? And my withdrawal?”

 

“Your body adjusted to being without the drugs and alcohol while you were in your coma. You won’t be suffering from withdrawal the way you would have otherwise.” Emma told him.

 

“That’s possible?” Killian stared at her, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“It’s not recommended, but you didn’t choose to go into a coma, and it happened gradually. So long as you don’t touch alcohol or drugs again, you’ll be fine.” She explained. Killian nodded, not quite understanding it, but grateful that Mia wouldn’t see him go through withdrawal and detox. “Like she said, your mother got rid of anything that might bring back your old addictions.”

 

“So I’m perfectly healthy and not dependent on anything?” Killian asked, needing to hear her say it.

 

“We’ve had to change your heart medications to something stronger, to counteract the damage the substance abuse caused to your heart, and you’re also on medication for early-stage cirrhosis, but other than that, you’re not dependent on anything.” Emma nodded reassuringly, brushing her thumb lightly over his hand.

 

“What about Hades?” Killian asked, glancing at Alice worriedly.

 

“David handed him over to the FBI. He won’t be getting out anytime soon, so your family and you are safe.” Emma said, her eyes softening. Somewhere inside him was a family man, someone who wanted the people he loved to be safe and happy. She was pleased to learn that about him, that he was more than what she thought he was.

 

Killian nodded, relaxing back into the hospital bed. He fell asleep not long after, getting tired more quickly thanks to recovering from severe trauma. Emma and Alice both looked at each other, then Emma turned to leave, giving Alice and Killian some time alone. 

 

When he was released from the hospital, less than a week later, Killian felt like a new man, free from his addictions and determined not to fall back into them. Mia was the first person to welcome him back, and when she jumped into his arms, he caught her and held her tightly, his tears dampening her hair.

 

“I missed you so much, Papa!” Mia said loudly, sobbing when she saw him crying.   
  
“I missed you too, princess. So much. But I’m here now, and I’m not going away ever again. I promise.” Killian replied, holding her close to him. Alice’s eyes softened as she watched them, and then she stepped closer, resting her hand on Mia’s back.    
  
Killian glanced over at Alice, then wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into the family hug. Then he caught sight of Emma, standing in the background, watching the three of them.   
  
“Swan?” He called over gently, his eyes softening as he gazed at her..   
  
“Yeah?” Emma asked, jumping slightly, wondering what he wanted.

 

“Come here?” Killian invited, meeting her eyes. Emma walked towards him slowly, and when he hugged her, she closed her eyes, fighting back tears.    
  
“Thank you.” He whispered softly to her. 

 

“I didn’t do anything, Killian. That was all you.” She told him, taking a deep breath and forcing aside her emotions.   
  
“No. You saved my life, and brought me back to my family. I owe you everything.” Killian said, meeting Emma’s eyes.

 

“No, you really don’t.” Emma replied, shaking her head. “I’m no good at this kind of thing anyway.” She gave him a small smile, then turned to go, quickly disappearing from view. 

 

Killian watched her go, feeling a strange pang in his chest, but turned to Mia and his mother, grinning at Mia widely. “How does some ice cream sound, princess? You like chocolate, don’t you?” He asked her, wiggling his eyebrows at her. 

 

Mia giggled and nodded, holding on to him tightly. “Yes, Papa. With sprinkles and hot fudge.” 

 

“And whipped cream and a cherry?” Killian winked. “Alright. We can go get some from Granny’s. Mathair, are you coming with us?” 

 

“Of course I am.” Alice said, tickling Mia before she kissed Killian’s cheek. 

 

The three of them made their way to Granny’s, where Granny made Mia’s ice cream on the house. She also gave Killian a hot chocolate and put in lunch orders for Alice and Killian. 

 

Killian sat down at a booth with Mia and his mother, though his eyes roamed around the diner almost nervously. He still half-expected Hades to jump out at him, or to see David staring at him angrily. 

 

Mia was so occupied with her ice cream, she hardly noticed how distracted her father was. Alice, however, quickly picked up on it. 

 

“Son?” Alice asked gently, meeting his eyes. 

 

“Aye, Mathair?” Killian raised an eyebrow, looking back at her and trying to stay focused. 

 

“It’s alright.” She told him quietly, knowing something was bothering him. She suspected that it was either Hades or someone else in town that Killian expected to come out of nowhere. “No one is going to hurt you.” 

 

“Aye, I know.” He replied, though he looked around the diner once more before taking a sip of his hot chocolate. “It’s just hard to relax right now. The memories are still fresh.” 

 

“Maybe you should look into therapy. I know Emma mentioned a therapist to you.” Alice suggested, handing Mia a napkin. Mia wiped her face, then looked up when Granny brought their lunch and set it down in front of each of them. 

 

“Thank you, Granny.” Mia said politely, bringing smiles to the faces of all three adults. 

 

“You’re welcome, girl.” Granny said gruffly, though her eyes twinkled as she took Mia’s empty bowl. 

 

Killian eyed his food for a moment before he took another sip of his drink. Alice watched him from the corner of her eye, starting to eat her lunch. She could see that he was worried and uneasy, and so waved Granny back over. 

 

“Granny, can we get this to go, please?” She requested. 

 

“Sure; I’ll be right back with boxes for you.” Granny agreed, picking up on Killian’s nervousness. 

 

Once Granny got their food packed up, with a few extra things, Alice led Killian and Mia back to her house. 

 

“I want you to stay with me for a little while, Killian. Just until you’re feeling more yourself again, alright?” Alice requested. 

 

“Aye, Mathair, that’s for the best, I think. I’m not ready to be on the ship alone just yet.” Killian agreed, putting up no real fight against her. He knew he was in no shape to function alone, since every little thing would send him jumping. If he stayed by himself alone after what Hades had done, he would likely turn into a nervous wreck, and that was no good for anyone, especially not himself. “But is it alright if Mia and I take a walk to the ship later, if we come back by the time the sun sets? Just to stretch my legs?” 

 

“That’s fine, son. That’s perfectly fine.” Alice nodded, setting his plate of food down in front of him at the dining room table. “Now eat your lunch. You’re still too skinny.”

After Killian and Mia finished their lunch, Killian pulled his boots and jacket on before helping Mia with hers. “We won’t be gone long, princess, just long enough for you to see the ship and for me to spend a few minutes aboard.”

 

“Okay, Papa.” Mia agreed, eager to finally be on the ship with Killian. 

 

“And you have to do as I say, aye? The ship is a wonderful thing, but it can also be dangerous if you aren’t careful.” Killian instructed, lifting her up on his shoulders, bouncing her gently. Her laugh brought a smile to his face, and he began walking towards the docks, singing an old song under his breath. 

 

“Papa?” 

 

“Aye, princess?” He asked, tilting his head slightly to look in her direction. 

 

“Why didn’t you let me live with you?” Mia asked him, a small quiver in her voice. 

 

“I was sick for a while, princess, and I didn’t want you to be around me until I was feeling better.” Killian replied after a moment’s thought. It wasn’t a lie, not exactly; he never had wanted Mia around the drugs and alcohol he had on the ship, or around him when he was high. It was too dangerous for her to be around him at such times, and he had never wanted to hurt her. 

 

“Are you better now?” 

 

“Aye, princess. Much better.” Killian reassured her, lifting her off his shoulders and holding her where he could see her without difficulty. “And now I’m going to be around you a lot more, and you’ll spend a lot of time with me aboard the ship.” 

 

“You’re not going to leave me like Mama did?” Mia asked, her lip trembling slightly. 

 

Killian teared up at that, but shook his head and kissed her forehead. “No, little princess, I’m not. I promise. I’m going to be around for a very, very long time. Long enough for you to grow up and start living a life of your own someday.”

 

“When will that be?” 

 

“A long time from now, Mia. Fifty years from now.” He teased, tickling her belly and causing her to squirm and giggle brightly. “Now, I promised you some time aboard the ship, but if we’re going to do that, we need to be able to have fun.” 

 

“Can we get some ice cream after?” Mia pleaded, looking up at him with wide, angelic eyes. 

 

“No, because you’ve just had some. If you’re good, we can get some candy from that candy shop you love so much. Not too much, though. Grandma will have dinner waiting for us, and if you can’t eat it, she’ll know why and we’ll both get into trouble.”

 

“Okay, Papa.” Mia agreed, skipping along in front of him towards the ship. Killian followed close behind her, glad she was having fun, but also feeling some pain from the mentions of Milah and how like her mother Mia looked. 

 

“Mia, little love, don’t run on the ship.” Killian called out when she reached it before him and ran aboard, heading for the helm. 

 

“Sorry, Papa!” Mia called back as she stood at the helm, holding onto it tightly. “Look at me, Papa, I’m steering the ship!” She cheered, turning the wheel slightly.

 

“Aye, little princess, that you are.” Killian grinned, pride filling his gaze at the sight of Mia on the ship before he glanced up towards the sky. “Your mother would be as proud of you as I am if she were here.”   
  
“Are you proud of me?” Mia asked, looking up at him.    
  
“Very, very proud of you, Mia.” Killian said, kneeling down next to her and wrapping his arm around her loosely. He glanced around, and then saw a flash of pale gold on the beach. “Look, little love, it’s Swan. Want to go and say hello?” 

 

“I want to stay on the ship, Papa.” Mia replied.    
  
“Alright. Stay in sight, and I’ll be back as soon as I’ve said hello. Aye?”    
  
“Aye, Papa.” Mia agreed, holding on to the helm tightly. Killian leaned down and kissed her cheek before he made his way down to the surf where Emma was kneeling down.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma talks about how she feels about Killian with Mary Margaret, and we see more about her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjr for her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

Emma had returned to her house, locking the door behind her and slumping down onto the couch. She knew she’d hurt Killian by not staying, but the emotions she felt were too strong for her to handle, especially since she was afraid of getting hurt again. Neal and Walsh had shattered her ability to trust men, and so far, Killian seemed no different from them. He might have even been worse, given his drug use and alcohol abuse. 

“I am not doing this again.” Emma muttered to herself as she flicked on the television and started going through the channels, trying to take her mind off of Killian and the look in his eyes when she left. 

 

After an hour of trying to watch the same show, Emma turned off the television and tossed the remote aside, giving up on the television. A book turned out to be no better; she couldn’t focus on anything but the look in his eyes. 

 

“Dammit.” Emma cursed, getting changed into a pair of running pants and a t-shirt. If she couldn’t distract herself, maybe she could run herself into exhaustion and get rid of the image that way. 

 

She grabbed her iPhone and headphones, sliding them into her ears and attaching the phone to her arm with a Velcro strap, then began her run, starting in the forest and avoiding town, not wanting to be around anyone at the moment. Thankfully, the forest was empty except for the usual birds, and Emma was able to enjoy her solitude, allowing the scenery and the slight burn in her muscles erase the thoughts that were consuming her. 

 

Until she reached the beach, at least, and saw Mia and Killian aboard his ship in the harbor. Emma slowed down, then stopped, catching her breath not far from the forest. 

 

“Just when I was starting to relax…” Emma grumbled, turning her phone off and then kneeling down beside the water, cupping some in her hands to pour over the back of her neck. 

 

“Swan?” Killian asked from behind her. “Are you alright?” He had clearly seen her from the ship, and come over to check on her.

 

“Yeah, just finishing up a run.” Emma replied, looking up at him. Maybe he wasn’t like the others, she mused. “How are you doing? You should be resting, not overdoing anything.”

“I’m fine, love; Mia and I just came back from Granny’s. She’s been having tea parties with me, which isn’t too strenuous.” Killian reassured her, his eyes searching hers. “I’m sorry if I was too insistent before… But I really am grateful for all you’ve done, and I just want to make sure that it doesn’t go unnoticed.”

 

“It doesn’t, and you weren’t. I just… Well, I’ve been hurt before, and I don’t want that to happen again.” Emma told him, taking a slow, deep breath. 

 

“I won’t hurt you, Swan.” Killian said quietly, meeting her eyes. “Not ever. And I’ve been hurt too.” He admitted, scratching behind his ear. “My brother and my girlfriend both died in car accidents, and those losses put me on the path I’m on today. I turned to the drugs and the alcohol to cope with that pain.” Killian explained, sitting down on a piece of driftwood that formed a convenient bench. 

“I avoided that, but I haven’t been in a relationship or close to anyone in any way in years, with the exception of David and Mary Margaret. They’re family, they’ve been there for me through everything. That’s how I came here; I needed a new beginning, and this town was looking for a doctor.” Emma replied, sitting down next to him, with just enough space between them to keep her from touching him. 

“Well, Swan, it looks like we’re two damaged souls looking for something more out of life, something to help us keep going, aye?” Killian asked, looking out at the horizon. 

 

“Maybe you’re right. But I don’t want to think about more right now.” Emma said, getting up and dusting herself off before she turned back to him. “You make sure not to overdo it, Killian. You’re still recovering, and after seven weeks in a hospital bed, your body is going to be tired more easily. It’ll take some time to get used to doing more physical activity.” She reminded him. 

 

Killian nodded as he stood up, too. “Aye, Swan, I know. Don’t worry; Mia and I aren’t staying on the ship tonight.  My mother insists on having us both beneath her roof, and probably won’t let me stay on the ship alone until she’s sure I can handle it.” 

 

“Good. She’s a good woman. You’re a lucky man, to have a mother like her.” Emma said wistfully. Killian raised an eyebrow. 

 

“Aye, but she only found me a year ago. Before that, I was on my own. My father, who’s dead, kidnapped my brother and I, and she spent all that time searching for us. She found me, at a funeral. I know how it feels to be alone.” Killian replied gently, somehow sensing that she’d been an orphan too. 

 

“You?” Emma frowned at him. “I thought you had a brother.”    
  
“Aye, I did. He died, in a car accident. As did Mia’s mother. I’ve lost everyone I ever loved, before Mia and my mother came into my life. As it was, Mia almost didn’t make it.” Killian said, shrugging lightly. “But I’m not alone anymore, and neither are you. You’ve got people who care, and you’ve got your brother and sister-in-law, too.” 

 

“Is that why you don’t go into cars? Or own one?” Emma asked, raising an eyebrow at him.    
  
“No. I don’t own a car because I don’t need a car. Everything in town is within walking distance, and whenever I have to travel further, I have the ship.” Killian replied. “And stop changing the subject, love.”    
  
“I’m not.” Emma protested, shaking her head at him. “I’m asking questions to get to know you better.” And because I want to know why I’m falling in love with you, she added mentally. “But I do have to go; I have an appointment waiting for me at the office.”    
  
“Aye, Swan. Call me later?” Killian requested.    
  
“I will.” Emma promised before she jogged to the office, holding a cup of hot chocolate from Granny’s in her hand. Later in the day, just as she was going to send him a text message, she saw him and Mia outside Granny’s.

 

Emma didn’t know when exactly she began having feelings for Killian, but they were there, and they terrified her. Given his past, and her own, she didn’t want to be in love with him. He was dangerous, but there was more about him… Something about him refused to leave her alone. He’d worked his way in past her walls, and now Emma was struggling to force him out of her heart. 

 

As she watched him and Mia eating their ice cream outside Granny’s, Emma’s eyes softened at the sight of him dabbing ice cream on Mia’s nose to make the little girl laugh. She wondered what Killian would have been like if… 

 

“Emma?” Mary Margaret asked, sitting down in the seat across from Emma, unintentionally blocking Emma’s view of Killian and Mia. “You look like something’s bothering you.” 

 

“No, just thinking about a few things.” Emma replied, looking up at her sister in law. “I thought you were working?”

“I have my lunch break now, and the school is close enough to Granny’s for me to come here and get something to eat.” Mary Margaret shrugged, hanging her purse on the back of the chair. “What’s on your mind? Or maybe it’s the handsome man and his daughter sitting outside?” She grinned as Emma shifted uncomfortably. 

“I was hungry, and besides, I don’t have any appointments today. It’s nice out, and I was going for a walk when I saw Killian outside. I stopped to talk for a few minutes, until Alice dropped Mia off, then I came in here to eat so they could have some time alone together.” Emma said, giving Ruby a grateful smile when her grilled cheese and onion rings arrived. 

Mary Margaret gave Ruby her order, then turned her attention back to Emma. “What were you thinking about?” She asked her, tilting her head slightly. 

 

“Just… Boston.” Emma told her, taking a bite of her sandwich. Mary Margaret knew about Emma’s past; Emma had told her over a night of shots when David was out working at the sheriff’s station. 

“Do you ever think about having children again?” Mary Margaret asked her gently, softly, so that no one else would hear her.

“That means getting involved with a man, and I’ve sworn off men. All they do is hurt us.” Emma said almost coldly. 

“Not all men. David hasn’t ever hurt me.” Mary Margaret replied, almost flinching at Emma’s words and the implication behind them. 

 

“No? You two never had a fight or anything?” Emma raised an eyebrow, as though daring Mary Margaret to lie or deny her words. 

“Of course we have, but we’ve always apologized to each other afterwards and then made up, and that was it. It’s a healthy relationship.” Mary Margaret replied defensively, hunching her shoulders a little. 

“I rest my case. Even you and David fight.” Emma said, putting down the sandwich, having lost her appetite. 

“I know he hurt you, but not all men are like him. Not every man in the world wants to hurt you, Emma.” Mary Margaret told her gently, reaching out to rest her hand on Emma’s hand. 

“That’s not a chance I want to take. I’ve been hurt enough by men who claim to love me. Never again.” Emma replied firmly, taking out some money and putting it on the table. “I have to get back to work now. I’ll see you and David later?” She asked, standing up and pulling on her jacket. 

“David and I are going out this evening.” Mary Margaret told her, not quite meeting her eyes. 

 

“Alright. I’ll get takeout and watch Netflix.” Emma said, deciding to take the back entrance instead of go out past Killian and Mia, not in the mood to see either of them and not wanting to upset Mia by brushing her off. 

The rest of that day had Emma in a bad mood, all the pain she thought she had buried now rising up to the surface and sending her into a spiral. On her way home from the office, she stopped at the grocery store to pick up some comfort food, then picked up a small bottle of rum as well, hoping that the rum would help her relax and the television she was going to watch would help take her mind off things. 

After she got home and put the things she had bought away, Emma changed into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, then settled onto the couch and began going through Netflix, looking for some mindless entertainment. It was then that her doorbell rang. Emma briefly debated not answering it, but got up with a soft sigh, walking to the door and opening it. 

 

“Killian?” She asked with a confused frown. “Is everything okay? Is Mia alright?” 

 

“Aye, Swan, everyone and everything is fine. I just… Well, Mary Margaret mentioned that you were troubled about something, and I thought I might come keep you company? I promise to keep my hands to myself.” He said, holding up a bag of chocolate and other treats for her to see. 

 

Emma’s eyes softened and she smiled softly at him. “Come on inside, and have a seat. I’ll be in the living room in a minute, I just need to put something away.”

 

Killian stepped inside, and Emma relieved him of the bag before she headed into the kitchen, stuffing the rum bottle somewhere he wasn’t likely to see it just in case. She knew he was still recovering, and there was no need to tempt him or tease him with even the sight of a bottle. 

 

“Do you want some soda or something?” Emma called out to him, taking out a bottle of soda and pouring herself a glass. 

 

“I’ll have what you’re having, love.” Killian called back, busily setting out blankets and pillows on the floor for them to sit on and get comfortable with. 

 

Emma came out of the kitchen a minute later with two glasses of soda and a basket full of various snacks, setting it all on the coffee table. “This looks cozy.” She said with a soft laugh. 

 

Killian laid down further away from the television screen and patted the spot in front of him in invitation. “I promise to be a perfect gentleman.” He winked at her playfully.

 

“Oh really?” Emma teased, laying down in front of him and setting the snacks and drinks within easy reach of them both. “Somehow, I doubt that.” 

 

“You wound me, Swan.” Killian grinned, kissing her cheek. “It would be bad form to be less than a gentleman in a woman’s house. Anyway, what shall we watch?” He asked, wrapping his arm loosely around her waist. 

 

“Hm… How about Outlander? I haven’t seen the newest season of it yet.” Emma replied, skimming through the shows she had available on Netflix. 

 

“That sounds good to me.” Killian agreed, having never seen it but curious enough about it to watch with her. He got comfortable behind her, softly massaging her neck and shoulders as she set up the television.

“That feels really good…” Emma whispered, his hand working magic on her sore muscles and aching back. 

“You feel tense, love. Let me ease that ache, aye?” Killian whispered in her ear, gently nudging her over onto her stomach. Emma turned over willingly, knowing that this would go only as far as she wanted it to go. She trusted Killian that much already, and they hadn’t known each other very long. The man he was now was completely different from the man who had come to her office for a checkup. 

 

Killian continued massaging her neck and back, working through the knots and gathered tension he felt everywhere, his fingers and hand moving slowly to ensure he reached every sore spot. Her soft moans and sighs told him that she was relaxing fully beneath his touch, and he smiled softly, his eyes warm and gentle as he gazed at her. 

 

“That’s so amazing, Killian…” Emma whispered, her eyes closed, neither of them paying much attention to the show on the television. 

 

“Good, just relax, Swan. I’ve got you.” Killian replied, reaching up to massage her scalp, tugging her hair lightly and scratching gently at her scalp to finish off the massage. 

 

“Killian?” Emma asked sleepily, still laying on her stomach as he cleaned up the snacks and drinks, then turned off the television. 

 

“Aye, love?” He glanced back at her, setting the remote down on the coffee table. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a daughter?” She asked him, her words slightly slurred. 

 

Killian gazed down at her, his brow slightly furrowed as he considered how to answer her question. “Well, I was a selfish bastard who exercised only bad form, love, and I didn’t think of myself as a real father. Mia needed and deserved better than me, and she still does, so I refused to think of myself as her father. I wasn’t worthy of that honor. I still don’t know whether I am or not, but at least now, I can be thinking about that question and its answer without being drunk, or high, or harming myself.” He said quietly, sitting down beside her and tucking a blanket over her. 

 

“I never knew my birth parents. They gave me up for adoption. I spent my entire life wondering who they are, where they are, whether they replaced me… Mia is lucky to have you in her life, and even luckier that you’re willing to change your entire life for her.” Emma replied, slightly more awake now. She turned over onto her back, looking up at Killian, then reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand. 

 

Killian met her eyes, then leaned down slowly and brushed his lips against hers as softly as he could. His eyes closed, and after a few seconds, he pulled back, searching Emma’s eyes. 

 

Emma gazed back at him, her lips slightly parted, then she sat up and looked somewhat terrified by what had just happened. 

 

“Love?” He asked, slightly worried by the look in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.” Emma said, her walls slamming back up to protect herself. Despite his recovery, he was still dangerous, especially since he’d already seen her vulnerable. The risk to her heart was one Emma was not willing to take, not yet anyway, and letting him in further would only increase the risk of severe damage to her heart. 

 

“Swan…” Killian started to say before Emma stood up, keeping the blanket wrapped around herself like a shield. 

 

“Thanks for the backrub and for keeping me company. It’s getting late, and I have to be up early tomorrow. There are some appointments that are scheduled for as soon as the office opens, which means I need to be there earlier than usual.” Emma told him. 

 

A hurt look crossed Killian’s face, mixed with confusion, but he nodded and stood up, folding the blankets they had been laying on and setting the pillows on top of the pile. “Goodnight, then, Swan. Sleep well.” He said, leaning in to kiss her cheek. 

 

He left quickly, the door closing and locking behind him, and then Killian stopped, frowning as he tried to figure out what exactly he had done wrong. Had he misunderstood the feelings between them? Moved too soon? Scared her somehow? Killian didn’t know, but he wasn’t about to let go of Emma until he was certain she didn’t want him the way he wanted her. 

Emma sank down onto her bed, the look in Killian’s eyes refusing to leave her mind. She had hurt him, she knew that, and if he ended up going back to abusing substances, she’d never forgive herself. “Killian is not Neal or Walsh. He’s not the type to hurt me.” Emma told herself firmly. Her heart accepted that, but her mind refused, instead pointing out that Neal and Walsh had both been kind and warm towards her at first. 

 

Even though her heart pushed her towards Killian, Emma was still wary. At the very least, he was a recovering addict, and that alone meant he wasn’t ready for a relationship. If they moved too soon with each other, they could both end up badly hurt, and both of them had already been hurt before. Emma sighed deeply, then got ready for bed and turned off the lights, though she ended up getting no sleep that night. Killian’s face tortured her every time she closed her eyes, until she eventually gave up and went downstairs to try burning off some restless energy by exercising.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian meets Nemo, and begins therapy while wondering if he and Emma have a future together and spending more time with Mia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjrfor her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

After Killian left Emma, he wandered around town for a little while, lost in his thoughts and trying to figure out what he had done to upset her. When he found himself in front of the bar, Killian turned away without a second thought and began walking towards his mother’s house. It was still early enough for Alice Rogers to be awake, and he might find a home-cooked meal and some advice from his mother. 

 

He walked in through the back door using the key under the heavy planter, replacing it once the door was open, and began digging through the refrigerator for leftovers. The light flicked on and Killian turned around, holding a plate of food. Instead of his mother standing there, it was a man Killian didn’t recognize, wearing only a pair of pants. Then he spotted his mother behind the stranger and frowned deeply.

 

“What the bloody hell?” Killian scowled, setting the plate down. “Who are you? What are you…” He trailed off, narrowing his eyes. “With Mia in the house? Really, mate?”

“Killian? What are you doing here?” Alice asked from behind her guest, leaning around him to get a better look at her son. 

 

“It was either here or a bar, and I’d much rather not go back to my addictions.” Killian replied, shaking his head. “I don’t want to know why you’re here, mate.” He said, not even looking at Nemo as he took the plate and returned it to the fridge, then left, locking the door behind him. 

 

“Killian, wait.” Alice called after him, standing in the back doorway. 

 

“Mathair, it’s fine. Really. As long as you’re happy. I’ll come by tomorrow and speak with you then.” Killian called back, turning to meet her eyes. 

 

Alice searched his gaze, then nodded and gave him a hug before kissing his cheek. “Alright, son. Come by early and have breakfast with Mia and I?”

 

“Aye, I’ll be there around 8:00 or so.” Killian agreed, kissing her cheek as well before he gave Nemo a warning look, then left. 

 

The next morning, Killian returned to his mother’s house just before 8:00, and found everyone still asleep. He started cooking breakfast, making pancakes for Mia with omelets for himself and his mother. 

 

“Papa?” Mia asked, rubbing her eyes as she came downstairs. Killian turned around, his eyes lighting up. 

 

“Good morning, princess. Are you hungry?” He asked, setting a plate of pancakes in front of her. 

 

“Chocolate chips?” Mia grinned widely, and Killian bit back a laugh. 

 

“Aye, of course. They’re still warm, too, so be careful, aye? And drink milk with them.” He said, turning back to the stove and sliding his mother’s breakfast onto a plate. 

 

“Yes, Papa.” Mia said, sitting down at the table. 

Alice came downstairs and stood in the doorway for a few seconds to watch them, her eyes softening and filling with tears that she quickly brushed away. 

 

“Good morning, Killian.” She greeted him, pouring herself a cup of coffee and making him a cup of tea. 

 

“Good morning, Mathair.” Killian replied, turning to kiss her cheek as he put his omelet on a plate and turned off the stove. 

“About last night…” Alice started to say before Killian shook his head. 

 

“I’m happy for you, if he treats you well.” Killian said, kissing her cheek. “And if he doesn’t, I’ll be all too happy to show him what happens when you mistreat my mother.” 

 

“Killian.” Alice laughed, shaking her head at him. 

 

“Aye?” He raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m a miserable sod, but that doesn’t mean you should be alone.”

 

“You’re not as miserable as you used to be. You’re changing a lot, and Mia has noticed it, too.” Alice said, setting his cup of tea down by his plate.

 

“Aye, well…” Killian shrugged, sitting down next to Mia and ruffling her hair lightly, laughing at the look she gave him. 

 

“Enjoying your pancakes, princess?” Killian asked, cutting up his omelet as he glanced at Mia’s plate. It was nearly empty, and so was her glass of milk. 

 

“Yes, Papa. Are we going to do anything today?” Mia asked him, a hopeful look on her face. 

 

“Sure, princess. We can have tea parties, and you can do my hair, or we can go outside and spend some time on the ship, if you’d like, once I get home from my doctor’s appointment.” Killian replied, kissing her cheek lightly. “Once you finish, go upstairs and get dressed, and then we’ll decide, aye?” 

 

“Aye, Papa.” Mia nodded, finishing her breakfast quickly and putting her dishes in the sink before she scurried upstairs. 

 

“Don’t forget to brush your teeth, too, Mia!” Alice called after her before she turned to Killian, looking at him expectantly. 

 

“I kissed Emma last night.” Killian said once he was sure Mia was out of earshot. “And then she seemed… Scared by it.”

“Scared?” Alice asked, turning her gaze towards her son. 

 

“Aye, of the emotions and vulnerability. I think.” Killian explained, eyeing his omelet before he gave up, reaching for his tea and taking a small sip. 

“Did you ask her about it?” She regarded him from the corner of her eye as she began eating.

 

“No; she said she had to be at work early today, but I thought giving her some space would be better than pressing her into a corner.” Killian replied, shrugging lightly. “I don’t want her to feel trapped with me, I want her to be able to be open and honest.”

“Maybe you should tell her that. Maybe you should tell her that you’re willing to take this at her speed, so that neither of you end up getting hurt, but that you’re not going to run and leave her, either.” Alice suggested, turning to look at him fully. 

 

“I’ll talk to her later today or tomorrow, depending on how my first session goes. I don’t want to be upset when I call or go see her; that’s the last thing either of us need now. And I did promise Mia I would spend the day with her.” Killian replied, finishing off his tea. 

 

“Alright, son. Eat your breakfast. You’re still skinny, too skinny.” Alice said, nudging his plate closer to him. Killian glanced at the clock, then ate his breakfast quickly and turned around to see Mia downstairs, wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. 

 

“Alright, princess, I have to go see the doctor now, but I’ll be back soon, and then we can spend the rest of the day together, aye? On the ship?” Killian asked, walking over to Mia and crouching down in front of her. 

 

“Aye, Papa. You won’t forget, will you?” Mia asked, biting her lip. 

 

“No, honey. I promise, we’ll have some time together today.” Killian reassured her, hugging her tightly. “I’ll be back in about an hour, and then we can go to the ship.” He kissed her cheek, then released her and disappeared, heading towards Nemo’s office on the other side of town.

 

Killian sat down in the chair in Nemo’s office, looking distinctly uncomfortable and uneasy as he watched Nemo walk in and close the door. He was an older man, bald, but with a stern face and kindly eyes, someone who might have made a good father or uncle. 

 

“So, you’re Killian Jones? A pleasure to meet you. My name is Nemo.” Nemo introduced himself, sitting down in the chair across from Killian and giving him a slightly warm smile.    
  
“Aye, that’s me. I really have no idea how any of this works.” Killian replied, wondering why Nemo’s smile put him more at ease.    
  
“Therapy? It’s really quite simple. As you talk, I guide you down paths that show you things about yourself that you can use as tools to build a better, happier and more adjusted life. You steer the ship, while I act as a navigator of sorts.” Nemo explained.    
  
“That makes sense.” Killian acknowledged. “Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.” He muttered, relaxing a bit more into the chair. 

 

“This is a safe place, Killian, and nothing you say to me will ever be heard outside these walls, unless you tell me something that makes me believe you’re a threat to yourself or anyone else. You understand?” Nemo said, flipping open a notebook and picking up a pen.    
  
“Aye, I understand.” Killian nodded, eyeing the notebook before his gaze met Nemo’s. 

 

“This session is more about getting to know each other, so that I can decide how best to act as your navigator. So, tell me what brought you to therapy? And what you hope to gain from it?” Nemo asked, his eyes seeming to stare deep into Killian’s.    
  
“I’m a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I want to be a better man for myself, to give my daughter a good example to look up to and to build a better life for myself, as well. To reconnect with my daughter and be able to be more normal.” Killian told him, shifting slightly uncomfortably under the intensity of Nemo’s gaze. 

 

“What was it that drew you into addiction?”    
  
“Pain and loss. My brother, and my fiance.” Killian said. “Both died in car accidents, and I was then given my brother’s heart.”    
  
“And that was too much to bear?”    
  
“My brother was a good man, a better man than I ever was. He was as close to perfect as any man can get, with no faults or vices or negative emotions.” Killian told Nemo, fiddling with the chain around his neck. “He was someone I could never be, and to have his heart beating in my chest is a daily reminder that he died and restored my life.”    
  
“He sounds like quite a man. It also sounds to me as though you’ve put him on a pedestal, and idolized him, made him more than what he was.” Nemo noted, writing that down on his notebook.    
  
“Trust me, I didn’t. That’s really how he was. After our father abandoned us, Liam was the one who stepped in, and raised me. He never showed any sign of weakness, there were never any negative aspects to him… Not like me. I was filled with anger and hatred, and was always too ready and willing to start a fight, whether I could win it or not.” Killian replied, breaking the older man’s gaze to look down at the charms on his necklace.    
  
“What do those mean for you?” Nemo asked, nodding towards the charms.   
  
“The ring belonged to my mother. Liam gave it to me when I turned 21, and the skull was something I bought when I was… When I was very low.” Killian said quietly, closing his eyes for a moment. 

 

“Describe what happened then.” Nemo requested, looking closely at Killian. 

 

Killian shifted uncomfortably under Nemo’s scrutiny and gathered his thoughts before he nodded. 

 

“It wasn’t long after Liam’s death, on one of the trips I took while Milah was working. I found the skull charm after the drugs I’d taken wore off. It was at a street market, you know, those local things that tourists love and locals thrive on. I probably paid more than I should have for it, but I couldn’t stop myself.” 

 

“Why?” Nemo asked, meeting Killian’s eyes. 

 

“Because it was next to a plaque that was meant to hang on someone’s door. A name plaque.”

“And whose name was it?”

 

“Liam’s.” Killian said quietly, closing his eyes as a shiver ran down his spine. 

“And you feel like it was a sign?” Nemo asked him, his eyes softening slightly. 

 

“What else could it have been? It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Maybe it’s just me being superstitious, but I can’t figure out why else that specific plaque and this specific necklace would have been next to each other.” Killian replied, tugging at the skull charm. 

 

“Maybe it was just coincidence?” Nemo suggested, glancing quickly at the clock to see how much time was left. “I want you to think about that during the week, and we can discuss what you come up with at our next appointment. Same time next week?” 

 

“Aye, alright.” Killian agreed, tucking the necklaces back beneath his shirt and standing up. 

 

“Make an appointment with the receptionist on the way out, and she’ll give you an appointment card. Have a good week, Killian, and if you need anything during the week, feel free to call me.” Nemo told him, shaking his hand. 

 

Killian made his appointment on the way out, then stopped to get some food for himself and Mia on the way back to his mother’s house. 

 

“Papa!” Mia cheered, launching herself at him from the front stairs. Killian put the bags of food down quickly and caught her, laughing softly. 

 

“Hello, princess.” He grinned at her, kissing her cheek. “Are you ready to go have an adventure on the ship?”

 

“Yes, I am, Papa.” Mia grinned at him, her eyes dancing. “Can we go now?” 

 

“Just let me talk to your Grandma for a minute, then we can go, princess.” Killian replied, chuckling softly and settling Mia on his back, wrapping his arms around her legs to anchor her in place. He bounced her lightly a few times as he grabbed the food and went inside, looking for his mother. 

 

“Mathair?” Killian called out, poking his head into the living room. 

 

“She’s in the kitchen, Papa.” Mia told him, tugging on his shirt. 

 

“To the kitchen!” He replied, marching towards the kitchen and bouncing her on his back, laughing as she giggled at him. 

 

“What are you two up to?” Alice asked, laughing as she saw Mia on Killian’s back. 

 

“He’s my horsey, Grandma, and we’re going to the ship.” Mia told her, kicking her heels into Killian’s sides. 

 

“Be gentle with your horsey, princess.” Alice replied, sticking a carrot into Killian’s mouth. “And make sure you give him lots of treats, too. No one likes a hungry horse.” 

 

“Ha ha.” Killian let the carrot fall onto the table. “I bought some food at Granny’s for Mia and I to eat, but we’ll be back before dinner. It’s going to be too cold to stay on the ship tonight, and there’s no heater on it yet.” He told Alice, adjusting his grip on Mia. 

 

“I was going to make some stew tonight; it’s probably a good idea for a cooler night.” Alice said, dropping the carrot into the garbage. “Make sure you listen to your Papa, Mia. He knows that ship better than anyone, and what he says goes.”

 

“Okay, Grandma.” Mia agreed, bouncing up and down on Killian’s back. 

 

“And no swimming today, either. It’s too cold, and I don’t want you getting sick.” Alice told her. 

 

“Don’t worry, Mathair, I won’t let her go in the water. The currents are too strong today anyway. There’ll be a storm later, I think. Tonight, most likely.” Killian said, lifting Mia off his back and setting her down. “If you have to go to the bathroom, princess, best go now.” He told her. “And leave your stuffed animals here, aye? Don’t want them falling overboard.” 

 

“Yes, Papa.” Mia said, scurrying off to her room to leave her stuffed toys before she went to the bathroom.

 

Once Mia left the room, Alice turned her gaze to her son. “How did it go?” 

 

“Fairly well, for the first appointment. He seems to be a good man, even if he makes me a bit nervous. Not in a bad way, though.” Killian replied, sitting down at the kitchen island. “How long have you known him?” 

 

“Nemo? Only a few months, really. He’s a good man, and Mia adores him. He brings her little gifts whenever he comes by.” Alice replied, sitting down across from Killian with a cup of tea in her hands.

“And you trust him?” Killian asked, meeting her eyes. “If he’s going to be around my daughter, I need to know that you trust him.” 

 

“I trust him. He’s not dangerous at all. Quite the opposite, actually. He’s got a heart of gold, and he reminds me of you a bit.”

“Of me?” Killian raised an eyebrow at that. 

 

“He’s a gentle soul, and believes in good form, and would never hurt a woman or a child. On top of that, he knows how it feels to be alone, too. His family was taken from him years ago.” Alice explained. 

Mia chose that moment to come running back, bouncing up and down eagerly. “Can we go now, Papa?”

“Aye, little princess, we can go now. Did you wash your hands?” Killian asked, raising an eyebrow at Mia. 

 

Mia dutifully walked to the sink and stood on the little bench in front of it to wash her hands quickly.

 

Once she was finished, Killian watched as Mia kissed Alice goodbye, then opened the door, holding her little bag. “Come on, princess, before the tide changes on us.” Killian said, grinning at her softly. 

 

“I’m coming, Papa.” Mia said eagerly, reaching up to take his hand in hers. Killian reached down and lifted her onto his shoulders, laughing when she giggled at him and held onto his shirt collar. 

 

“Don’t worry, princess, I won’t let you fall.” Killian reassured her as he began walking towards the docks, where his ship was waiting. “I won’t ever let you fall. When we get to the ship, though, you need to put a puffy pink jacket on, aye? Just to make sure nothing happens.” 

 

“Okay, Papa. Does it have flowers on it?” Mia asked, looking down at him from her place on his shoulders. 

 

“No, not this one. I couldn’t find one with flowers on it, the best I could do was a nice pink one.” Killian replied as he set her down on the deck of the ship and pulled out her lifejacket. “Here, put this on, and then I’ll help you buckle the straps.” 

 

Mia put it on and tried to fasten the buckles herself, but Killian saw that she was having some trouble, and so knelt down to help her. He buckled the straps in place and adjusted them so that it wouldn’t fall off. 

 

“Now, princess, we aren’t going out too far today, but I still need you to be careful and listen closely, aye? If you do fall over, don’t panic. I’ll come in and get you. The jacket you’re wearing will keep you from sinking, but you need to keep still if you do fall in the water.” Killian instructed. “Grandma told me you can swim, and that you’ve been out on a small boat before, so you don’t get seasick. Right?” 

 

“Right, Papa. I like being out on the water.” Mia nodded, looking over the rail of the ship. 

Killian smiled proudly at the sight, his eyes softening slightly. He reached out and ruffled her hair lightly, then began raising the anchor and lowering the sails before he guided the ship out to sea a little ways. 

 

When he stopped, the docks and harbor were still in sight, and the anchor was dropped to keep the ship from drifting further out. 

 

Mia was kneeling on the bowsprit, staring down at the dolphins and fish around the ship with fascination. 

 

Killian walked up behind her and leaned out as well, grinning at the sight. “It looks like you have some friends, princess. Do you want to feed them?” He asked her, a bucket of bait at his feet. 

“Yes, Papa. What do they eat?” 

 

“Fish, mostly, but sometimes other things. Here, put these on, then we can feed the dolphins, princess.” Killian replied, holding out a pair of gloves so she could keep her hands clean. 

 

Mia put them on, and Killian handed her a piece of fish that she threw to a dolphin that was chattering at her.   
  
“That one seems to like you.” Killian said with a grin as Mia tossed the large piece of fish in her hand towards the pod again.    
  
“She’s pretty. Look at how the water shines on her skin. It looks like diamonds.” Mia replied, leaning over further to get a better look. Killian had turned away to refill the bucket, and then he heard a splash followed by a scream. Without thinking, he dove in and swam to Mia, gripping the life jacket tightly to keep her above water.    
  
Instead of tears, he heard laughter, and looked up at Mia incredulously.    
  
“That was fun!” She squealed, laughing harder as she beamed at him.    
  
“Gods above.” Killian muttered, shaking his head. “Come on, let’s get you home and into some dry clothes, little princess. We can come out swimming when the water gets warmer, aye?”    
  
“Okay, Papa, but will the dolphins be here then, too?”    
  
“They might be, princess, they do seem to like you a lot.” Killian replied as he began swimming towards the ship. Once they reached it, he pushed Mia up the ladder gently before climbing up after her. 

 

As soon as he was sure Mia was alright, and in dry clothes, he guided the ship back to shore, wanting to get her a hot meal just in case she was still cold. 

 

“Do we have to tell Grandma?” Mia asked, looking up at Killian. Killian chuckled softly, glancing down at her.    
  
“Aye, princess, we do. She’ll be furious if we don’t. But if we tell her now, she’ll want to make sure both of us are alright, and then let it go. Aye? It’s always better to tell the truth right away instead of lie all the time.”    
  
“Aye, Papa.” Mia said, sighing softly as she followed him from the ship towards Alice’s house.    
  
When they reached the house, Mia ran inside first, while Killian followed more slowly.    
  
“Those aren’t the clothes you were wearing when you left, Mia. Did you get wet?”    
  
“Aye, Grandma, and I was playing with the dolphins, too!” Mia said enthusiastically.    
  
“The dolphins?” Alice asked, smiling softly as she finished putting dinner together.    
  
“Their skin is so smooth, Grandma!”    
  
“Their skin?” Alice raised an eyebrow at Mia before gazing at Killian, who was smiling sheepishly.    
  
“She might have fallen in the water. But she was wearing a life jacket, and the water was still. She’s fine, just a bit wet, and maybe cold. Go and take a shower, Mia, then come back down for dinner.” Killian instructed her.    
  
“Okay, Papa.” Mia said, disappearing upstairs.    
  
“You’re sure she’s not hurt?” Alice asked him, turning to look at him.    
  
“She was laughing when I jumped in after her, and she doesn’t have any cuts or bruises anywhere, either. She’s perfectly fine, Mathair, I promise.” Killian reassured her. 

 

“Alright. Don’t forget about your appointment tomorrow morning with Nemo, and if you take her out on the ship again, try to make sure she doesn’t end up in the water by accident.” Alice replied, wiping her hands on a towel.    
  
“I’ll try, Mathair, but she’s as adventurous as her mother, and as stubborn as I am.” Killian said, grinning at her.    
  
“I know very well how stubborn you are. Now go wash up for dinner.” Alice told him, laughing softly.    
  
“Aye, Mathair.” KIllian replied, washing his hands and then helping her put dinner on the plates.    
  
The next day, Killian woke early, since his appointment with Nemo was scheduled for 9:00. He showered quickly, and ate a small breakfast before making his way to Nemo’s office.    
  
On his way there, Killian passed Emma’s house and paused, looking up at her window before shaking his head and continuing on. Neither of them were ready for a relationship yet.    
  


\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
Killian slouched down into his chair in Nemo’s waiting room, nervous and wishing he were allowed to smoke inside but knowing better than to try. Nemo had been firm on that point; it was against the law, and if the place stank of cigarette smoke, other people would feel less safe in the office. Killian had given in as gracefully as he could, but nothing stopped him from having a smoke outside before his session. 

“Killian?” Nemo called to him from his office, standing in the doorway. Killian looked up, then got to his feet and walked closer, stopping when he was close enough to Nemo for a handshake. 

 

“Come in, have a seat. And try to relax.” Nemo said in his deep, soothing voice. That voice alone was enough to relax even the most nervous man, and it helped Killian enough to let him sit without fidgeting too much. 

“You look nervous.” Nemo noted, sitting down across from Killian after he closed the door and turned on the noisemaker to block out the sounds of their conversation in the hallway. 

 

“I feel like I’m caged in right now. And I can’t stand being closed in this way.” Killian said with a scowl, tapping his cigarette pack anxiously. 

 

“We couldn’t keep doing your sessions aboard the ship, Killian, even though we both wanted to. You’re more in control of yourself now, and you’re fully recovered from your time in the hospital.” Nemo replied gently, his soft brown eyes fixed on Killian, whose scowl deepened. 

“That doesn’t make this any easier.” Killian told him, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Therapy isn’t easy, but I promise that it does help, if you’re open to it. Now, shall we begin?” Nemo asked, brown eyes staring into blue, waiting. Killian looked away first, unable to hold Nemo’s gaze. 

“Aye.” Killian sighed, looking out the window longingly. 

“How was your week?” Nemo inquired, crossing one leg over the other and settling his notepad on his crossed leg, holding a pencil close to the paper.

“I stayed clean and sober. I spent time with Mia, out in the harbor, where we had tea parties and I started teaching her how to sail my ship.” Killian shrugged. 

“Does she enjoy being aboard your ship?” 

“Aye, she does. She loves most things she and I do, and she has the same talent as her mother and I do, the same love of adventure and appreciation for different cultures.” Killian said with a small, sad smile. “She’s exactly like her mother is, now that I think about it.”

“You still miss her?” Nemo asked, though it was less of a question than an observation, studying Killian for a moment before he wrote something down in his notebook quickly. 

“She was the only love I ever had. And she was taken from me too soon. Mia never even knew her.” Killian replied, closing his eyes. “I can still see her in my dreams sometimes, when we were happy and in love. When we would sit on deck and watch the sunrise, or travel through storms together…” He sighed deeply, opening his eyes slowly. “And then I remember that it’s all over. I remember the car accident, I remember holding her in my arms as she died. I can’t even talk to Mia about her; it’s too painful.”

“What about your brother?” Nemo asked, studying Killian closely. 

 

Killian clenched his jaw, falling silent as his fist tightened. “What about him?”

“You’re still angry?”

“He died, gave me his heart, and left me alone. Of course I’m angry. He raised me, and then left me too soon, unable to fend for myself properly.” Killian scowled, his tone bitter, his eyes dark and furious as a summer storm. 

“What do you mean by that?” Nemo frowned, looking more closely at his patient. 

 

“He was a righteous man, always doing what was right no matter the situation, and he taught me to obey him instead of think for myself, or rely on anyone except him, including myself. I didn’t learn how to function without him, and then he was gone, and I was left to drown and stumble through life with no idea what I was doing, or what I was even supposed to do.” Killian said, his voice growing louder and louder until he was shouting, standing up without even realizing he had moved. 

 

Nemo leaned back in his chair, his eyes meeting Killian’s gaze, listening closely to the younger man. When Killian fell silent, Nemo stirred slightly. 

 

“You feel resentment towards your brother for not being there for you, for not teaching you how to live and stand alone. And he should have taught you that instead of reliance and dependence. It would have been much healthier for you, and it might have even kept you clean and sober after his death. But everything happens for a reason, and now you have to start learning how to function for yourself. I can help you with that, if you let me, if you want me to help you. It won’t be easy. But it can be done. You already have some idea of how to stand on your own.” Nemo replied gently, meeting Killian’s eyes, waiting for him to respond. 

Killian eyed him. “I don’t need another man trying to tell me how to live my life.” 

 

“That’s not what my role is meant to be, Killian.” Nemo said quietly, his eyes boring into Killian’s. Killian narrowed his eyes dangerously, but Nemo held the younger man’s gaze effortlessly. “My role is as a guide and a teacher, someone to help you hone the tools and skills you need while helping you identify your troubles and teach you how to deal with them in healthy ways that don’t require drugs or alcohol. The goal here is to keep you clean, and to help you move forward.” Nemo explained, tilting his head slightly as he continued to gaze at Killian. 

 

Killian stared back at him, then stood up and began pacing restlessly. “I want a cigarette.” He muttered, scowling deeply.

 

“Smoking isn’t allowed in here, and you don’t need a cigarette right now. That’s another thing that we’re going to work on stopping.” Nemo replied. 

 

“What for?” Killian asked, his scowl deepening.

“You want to be healthy, don’t you? That includes quitting cigarettes. There are many healthier ways to deal with things.” Nemo told him, flipping through a collection of pamphlets until he found the one he was looking for and handed it over to Killian. 

 

Killian glanced at it, reading the title- How to Release Stress in Healthy Ways- and shook his head. “Are we done here yet?” He demanded, feeling rather like a caged animal at the moment. Nemo glanced over at the clock on his desk before he nodded. 

“I will see you the same time next week. For now, try to come up with ways to release your feelings and emotions without substances that can do more harm than good. You enjoy sailing, so there’s one.  Perhaps running, too. Jogging, or even kickboxing, to release any pent up aggression or anger.” Nemo suggested, standing up and opening the door. 

 

Killian made his way out of the office and debated on a cigarette, then ultimately decided against it as he started walking towards Granny’s. When he saw Emma and Mary Margaret there, he decided not to go in, hoping that his mother would have food in her refrigerator. While he was quickly falling in love with Emma, he knew that pressing her too much would not help him get past her walls. And he also knew that he wasn’t completely recovered from everything that had happened to him yet. Killian was sure that she deserved better than what he was in that moment, and he was doing his best to become the man she deserved. 

Little did he know that Mary Margaret saw that, and so did Emma, who was also falling for him, though more slowly. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“So, what’s going on between you and Killian?” Mary Margaret asked as she and Emma sat down at a table at Granny’s.    
  
“He’s a friend.” Emma shrugged, glancing over the menu quickly before settling on grilled cheese and onion rings. “He’s still got a long way to go before he’s going to be ready to be more than friends with anyone.”    
  
“I see the way you look at him, you know. And the way he looks at you, too.” Mary Margaret said, putting her own menu down and looking across the table at Emma. 

 

“What way? There’s no way.” Emma said defensively, shaking her head before she ordered her food, giving the new waitress a polite smile.    
  
“Sure there is. And it’s not a bad thing, Emma. It’s alright to fall in love with someone who’s trying to be a better man. When I met your brother, I didn’t like him at first. Love came later between us.”    
  
“Mary Margaret…” Emma started to say before her phone went off. It was a text from Killian.    
  
‘Swan, Mia is wondering if the three of us might have a picnic this weekend aboard my ship. I can promise good food, the pleasure of my company, and a rambunctious eight year old lass. What do you say, love? Care to join us? And then afterwards we can all go to the carnival together so I can win you a large stuffed bear?’

 

‘Are you so sure that I want a large stuffed bear? Maybe I want a stuffed swan instead.’ Was she flirting? God, she was flirting with him. 

 

“Who’s that?” Mary Margaret asked, breaking into Emma’s thoughts.    
  
“It’s Killian.” Emma said absently as she read over Killian’s reply.    
  


‘As the lady wishes. A lovely white swan, and perhaps a companion of some kind for her?’    
  
Emma blushed and laughed softly, typing out a response. ‘A husky, maybe, with bright blue eyes.’    
  
‘Your wish is my command, love. A husky and a swan. What a story that would make, aye? Shall I tell Mia that you’ll join us?’   
  
‘Of course. What time? And what should I bring?’   
  
‘Just bring yourself, love, leave the rest to Mia and I. How does 4:00 sound? And we can get dessert either at the carnival or at Granny’s afterwards?’    
  
“Is he coming to the carnival?” Mary Margaret asked, trying to see the screen of Emma’s phone.    
  
“Yeah, and so is Mia. You should probably warn David so he doesn’t have a heart attack over it.” Emma replied. 

 

‘4:00 sounds perfect. I’ll be there, and I’ll have a little gift for Mia, too.’ Emma texted him back, smiling softly at her phone.    
  
“You are so in love with him, and with her. Why don’t you tell him yet? It won’t be long before someone else grabs him.” Mary Margaret said as their food was brought over.    
  
“He’s not ready, and neither am I. When I am, I promise, I’ll tell him.” Emma replied, picking up an onion ring and biting into it. “Besides, I know he’s still mourning Milah, and while I love Mia, I don’t want to complicate things, or make her feel like I’m trying to replace her mother. Because I’m not.”    
  
“I know that, and I’m sure she does, too. She adores you, and she comes to you, remember? If she thought you were trying to replace her mother, she wouldn’t come to you.” Mary Margaret told her, picking up her cup of water and drinking from it slowly, giving Emma a knowing look.    
  
“Stop that.” Emma grumbled good naturedly. “You act more like my mother sometimes, I swear.” She grinned, shaking her head. 

 

“That’s just how I act. And besides, where’s the harm in it? You do need someone to talk to now and then about things you don’t want David or Killian to know about yet.” Mary Margaret said with a smile.    
  
“Yeah, that’s true, like how obsessed you are with Killian.” Emma teased, laughing as Mary Margaret threw a napkin at her.    
  
“I have a husband.” Mary Margaret chided lightly. 

 

“That doesn’t mean you don’t have eyes. And for some reason, you have a soft spot for Killian, just like Granny does. I can’t figure out why, since neither of you are interested in him that way.” Emma replied, a curious look in her eyes.    
  
“He’s kind of like a stray puppy, but don’t ever tell him I said that. He’s a cute stray puppy, someone who can’t always tell the difference between a friend and an enemy, so he snaps at everyone, but underneath all that is a good person who only needs a chance and some guidance.” Mary Margaret shrugged, sitting back in her chair. 

 

“A stray puppy?” Emma shook her head at her sister in law. “He’s not a dog, Mary Margaret.”

 

“No, but he’s still cute, and he follows you around like a puppy sometimes. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” Mary Margaret replied, laughing softly. 

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian and Emma share a first date, and he spends some time with Mary Margaret before working up the courage to ask Emma to the holiday dance with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjrfor her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

“Swan! Welcome aboard.” Killian grinned, finishing laying out the blanket and covered dishes of food while Mia ran over to Emma, taking her hand and pulling her aboard. Emma laughed softly as she let Mia tug her over to the blanket.    
  
“I brought a cake with me; Mary Margaret insisted on it. It’s chocolate, Mia, I thought you might like that. All of it is homemade, too, even the frosting.” Emma said, setting the wrapped package she was carrying down by the rest of the food.    
  
“Mary Margaret?” Killian raised an eyebrow. 

  
“Yeah, she was there when you invited me. We were having lunch together.” Emma explained, sitting down on the blanket and tucking her legs beneath herself. 

 

“She’s a good woman. Kinder than most in town.” Killian said as he sat down across from Emma, stretching his legs out. “Mary Margaret and Granny were the only ones who cared, outside of my mother and Mia. I don’t know what they saw in me, really, but whatever it was made them care.” 

 

“Mary Margaret referred to you as a little lost puppy.” Emma admitted with a soft smile. Killian raised an eyebrow at her, then laughed softly, shaking his head.    
  
“There are worse things to be called. At least puppies are cute and lovable.” Killian grinned softly. “So, you and mary Margaret were talking about me?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her, a sparkle in his eye.    
  
Emma blushed lightly, then nodded. “Yeah, we were.” She admitted, fiddling with the charm on her necklace. 

 

“About how devilishly handsome I am, even if I’m a puppy?” Killian winked, teasing her gently to set her more at ease. 

 

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” She teased him, grinning at him flirtatiously. 

 

“Aye, Swan, that I would. I’d also love to know more about you, love, and your beginnings. When you’re ready to tell me about yourself.” He said with a softer smile that made his eyes crinkle at the edges.    
  
“Maybe soon, Killian.” Emma replied before she turned to Mia, who was playing with her stuffed dog. Killian picked up on her slight nervousness, and so began putting the food out, handing Mia her plate first, then making Emma’s plate up. 

 

“Here, love. Enjoy.” Killian said with an easy smile, lounging back on the edge of the blanket as he held her plate out for her.    
  
“Thanks.” Emma said, her fingers brushing against his as she took her plate, their eyes meeting and connecting somehow. 

 

Killian’s eyes softened as he gazed at Emma, marveling at her beauty and strength, even though he knew there was something vulnerable beneath the surface, something she never let anyone see.    
  
After they ate, the three of them went into town, making their way to the carnival not far from Granny’s. There were games and rides set up, with most of the rides safe for Mia to go on alone, while Emma and Killian stood near the gates to watch her. 

 

While Mia was riding on a smaller version of a Ferris wheel, Killian turned to Emma. “Enjoying yourself so far, love?” He asked, inching slightly closer to her. 

 

“I really am.” Emma replied with a broad smile, her eyes bright as she turned to him. “Mia’s a great kid.” 

 

“Aye, that she is.” Killian agreed, his eyes softening as he met Emma’s gaze. 

“And you’re good company, too.” Emma said, leaning in closer to him. Killian leaned in as well, but just before they were about to kiss, Mia came running over and seized Emma’s hand, dragging her off towards one of the games. 

 

Killian chuckled softly and followed, standing just behind Emma and Mia as Mia tried to pop the balloons using the darts. He eyed the game, then paid for a turn for himself. Ten minutes later, he’d won two large prizes, with Mia selecting a huge stuffed horse and Emma picking out another one for herself. 

 

“Something to remember tonight with.” Emma told him with a grin when she picked out a giant white dog. Killian grinned back at her as he picked up Mia’s horse to keep it from dragging on the ground. He took Emma’s as well, carrying both with no real difficulty. 

“My hero.” She teased, laughing when he blushed. 

 

“I’m no hero, love.” Killian protested with a chuckle as his ears turned red. 

 

“Yes you are, Papa.” Mia argued, looking back at him. Killian glanced at Mia, raising an eyebrow. “You’re my hero.” 

 

For a moment, Killian couldn’t speak, holding back tears that burned at the back of his eyes. “Thanks, princess.” He said, kissing her forehead lightly. “What do you say to some funnel cake?” 

 

“What’s that?” Mia asked curiously while Emma grinned widely despite a slight pang in her heart at the easy bond between Killian and Mia. She wished she’d had that growing up, someone to take her to small carnivals and do things with her. 

 

“That’s the best thing in the world, as far as food goes.” Emma replied. “We can split one, in case you don’t like it.” She suggested, glancing at Killian, who nodded in agreement. 

 

“Okay. If I don’t like it, can I get ice cream instead?” Mia asked Killian. 

 

“Aye, princess, you can. But if you do like it, you can only get one or the other, okay?” Killian told her. Mia nodded and slipped her hand into Emma’s hand, leading her over to a place that was selling funnel cakes. 

 

Killian followed more slowly, watching his daughter and the woman he loved together with a smile on his face and a loving look in his eyes. 

 

“You look happy.” Mary Margaret said, walking over to him from the booth she was running, having left Leroy in charge. 

“Hello, Mary Margaret.” Killian greeted her, glancing over at her. “Enjoying the carnival?” 

 

“Somehow, I think you’re enjoying it more.” She replied, nodding towards Emma and Mia. 

 

Killian followed her gaze and smiled softly. “Aye, maybe I am.” He agreed, watching as Emma and Mia shared a funnel cake and laughed about something. 

“She loves you, you know.” Mary Margaret said, looking up at Killian. Killian turned a startled gaze back to her, his eyes widening slightly. 

 

“How do you know?” He asked, blinking.

“She’s my sister in law, we talk about everything. David wouldn’t be happy, not at first, but he’ll get over it. And if he doesn’t, I’ll smack some sense into him.” Mary Margaret chuckled before she returned to her booth. Killian watched her go, then walked over to Emma and Mia, sitting down beside them. 

 

“Having fun, princess?” Killian asked, grinning at Mia’s powdered sugar-covered face. 

“Yes, Papa. Thank you for bringing me here.” Mia said with a grin. Killian picked up a napkin and wiped off Mia’s face gently. 

 

“You’re welcome, princess. I’m glad you’re having fun.” Killian replied before turning to Emma. “And what about you, love?” 

 

“I’m having fun, too. Thanks for inviting me, both of you.” Emma smiled, giving Killian a grateful look. He leaned over and kissed her cheek softly. 

 

“It was my pleasure, love.” Killian said quietly in her ear before he looked around and grinned. “How about the Ferris wheel? The sight over the water must be something good, aye?” He suggested, glancing from Mia to Emma. When both agreed, he purchased tickets and led them over to the ride.    
  
Mia sat between them, with Killian holding on to her prize tightly, and Emma on Mia’s other side. Mia stared out at the view in awe, while Killian and Emma smiled at each other.    
  
“The view up here really is amazing.” Emma said, looking out at the water.    
  
“Aye, love. Beautiful.” Killian agreed, unable to take his eyes away from her. Emma looked up, then blushed and looked away, a small smile on her face.    
  
Killian’s eyes softened, and he leaned over to kiss her softly, his lips lightly brushing against hers. He knew he wanted to do something else for her, something more romantic, but what? The holidays were coming up, so maybe he could work something out that way. 

 

The next day, when Killian headed towards the community center to fix a model wooden ship of some kind, Mary Margaret was on her way out, her nose buried in a magazine of some kind.    
  
“Careful, lass.” Killian said, catching her before she slipped on a patch of ice. “What are you up to there?” He asked, nodding at the magazine.    
  
“Oh, thank you, Killian. This? This is for decorations. For the upcoming winter dance.” Mary Margaret explained, smiling at him. “Are you going?”    
  
“I hadn’t thought about it, since I’ve actually never heard of it before.” Killian replied honestly.    
  
Mary Margaret reached into her bag and stuffed a flyer into his hands. “Here. If nothing else, Mia would love it, and she comes every year. There’s a children’s area, with games and movies, and then the actual dance for adults. And food for everyone, provided by Granny and a few other restaurants in town. It’s a lot of fun. And Emma will be there.” She added with a knowing look in her eye.    
  
Killian glanced down at the flyer, then up at Mary Margaret. “I’ll have to think about it, lass. For now, I’m running a bit late. Be careful out there; the sidewalk is covered in ice.” He told her, folding up the flyer and tucking it into his pocket.    
  
“Thanks, Killian. Have a good day!” She said brightly before she made her way towards the sheriff’s station, no doubt in search of her husband.    
  
Killian headed over to the display case and got to work on the miniature ship, fixing it carefully and then putting it back. He wiped his hand on the piece of paper in his pocket before he cursed when he realized what it was. Looking around, Killian spotted another copy of the flyer at the community center as he walked towards the door. and he pulled it down, taking it with him. He wasn’t going to be dancing anytime soon, but he could at least go with Mia and let her have some fun. Maybe Swan would even be there, as Mary Margaret had promised. That was enough to cheer his thoughts slightly. 

 

Heading towards his mother’s house to see Mia, Killian stopped when he saw Emma walk into Granny’s. He grinned to himself, then followed. “Hello, Swan.” He greeted her, kissing her cheek before glancing at the waitress. “A hot chocolate with cinnamon and a cup of tea, please.” Killian ordered.    
  
“What are you doing in town?” Emma asked him, grinning up at him.    
  
“I was fixing a model ship at the community center. Some piece of local history or other. I saw a flyer for the holiday dance, as well. Mia and I will probably go.” He replied, taking their food and drinks and following Emma over to a booth.    
  
Emma nodded as she bit into an onion ring and practically moaned in enjoyment. “How Is Mia?” She asked, looking up at him.    
  
“She’s good. Excited for Christmas. I was wondering… Are you going to the holiday dance with anyone?” Killian asked, setting Emma’s cup of hot chocolate down in front of her as he slipped into the seat across from her. 

 

“No, and I don’t even know if I’m actually going or not.” Emma replied, smiling up at him. 

 

“You don’t enjoy dances?” Killian sipped at his tea, stretching his legs out slightly beneath the table. 

 

“I’ve never been to a dance before. I’m not sure whether I’ll enjoy it or not.” Emma shrugged, letting her hot chocolate cool a little before she took a sip. 

 

“Well, maybe having the right date will make a difference… Will you come to the dance with me, Swan?” Killian requested, his eyes bright and hopeful as he gazed at her. 

 

“I’d love to.” Emma accepted, smiling softly at him. “When is it?” 

 

“This Saturday, at the community center. It starts at 8, because the children are invited, too.” He explained, sliding his fingers between hers and raising her hand to his lips. 

 

“Perfect. I know just what to wear.” Emma grinned, blushing lightly when he kissed her hand. 

“Oh aye? What might that be, so we can match?” Killian asked, his eyes sparkling with delight. 

 

“A pale pink dress.” Emma told him, chuckling softly. “You can get away with just wearing a pink tie, if that helps at all.” 

“I have a pink tie that should match.” Killian agreed, having no trouble wearing pink. “It’s not a formal dance, so I won’t wear a sport jacket, just the shirt and pants. What time should I pick you up, love? Or did you want to walk and meet us there?” He knew she valued her autonomy more than most, and so was trying to give her more choices. 

 

“I can walk and meet you; I live not far from the community center, so it’s easier and faster for me to walk than have you drive past it just to pick me up.” Emma reasoned. 

“Aye, alright, Swan. I’ll meet you outside, then?” Killian offered, finishing off his tea and setting the empty cup down. “Now, how about a walk around the pier, love? It’s nearly sunset, and the view is breathtaking. After that, we can have some dinner aboard the Jolly.” 

 

“Will there be grilled cheese involved?” Emma asked. “I’m starving.” 

 

“There will be grilled cheese, with tomato slices, and hot chocolate.” Killian chuckled softly. “Come on, love. Let’s get you some dinner.” He said, paying for their drinks and leading her back towards his ship. 

 

Emma stayed close behind him, and when Killian noticed the slight chill in the air, he draped his jacket over her shoulders, tucking it in around her. 

“Thanks.” Emma said with a small smile, appreciating the small gesture. 

 

“Anytime, love.” Killian replied, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He led her onto the ship, then lit the fire in the fireplace in his cabin for her to keep warm by. “Here, sit here, love, and I’ll bring your food in a few minutes.”

  
Emma sat down by the fire, her mild shivers easing as the warmth spread through her, helping her relax. When Killian came back with her food, she was half asleep, and looked up, startled.    
  
“It’s me, love.” Killian soothed, setting her plate down and sitting beside her. “Grilled cheese and onion rings, with hot chocolate brewing on the stove.” He told her, leaning back against the beam behind him.    
  
“You know the way to a girl’s heart.” Emma teased, grinning at him as she began eating.    
  
“I know the ways to your heart, love, and that’s all that matters to me.” Killian grinned back, winking playfully. “I’m also looking forward to the dance very much now.”    
  
“So am I, Killian.” Emma replied, leaning over to kiss him softly. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian and Emma go to the winter dance together, and much happens there, followed by a wedding and a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjrfor her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

The weeks passed, and the weather grew cooler, fall giving way to winter, and before either of them knew it, the day of the dance came quickly. Killian spent the morning making sure Mia was ready, and got a haircut before purchasing a new shirt, pants, and shoes as well as a tie that would match Emma’s dress.

 

Brushing his hair back quickly, he ran his fingers through it to make it look slightly windswept before he left the ship, making his way to his mother’s house, where both Mia and Alice were now getting ready. Pausing outside the flower shop, Killian looked over the selection of flowers before he shrugged and began building three bouquets himself, since he knew there was no time to order a better arrangement. The bouquets were a mix of pink and yellow flowers, the best ones from each bucket, with some baby’s breath and greenery around the edges of each. He paid the florist, who wrapped the bouquet in clear cellophane, then left, glad he had decided to go to his mother’s house early.    
  
Letting himself in, Killian glanced around before he heard Mia and his mother and headed upstairs. 

 

“Mia, little love, do you have your shoes on?” Killian asked, standing in the doorway of his daughter’s room at his mother’s house. They had both decided she would keep living there, for the sake of stability, with the weekends spent on Killian’s ship and summers traveling with him. “And where is your grandmother?”

 

“I’m here, son, now stop fussing. Mia is almost ready, and I’m dressed, as well. We’re going to be on time.” Alice said, shaking her head at him fondly. “You look so nervous, Killian. You’re going to a dance, not to your own wedding.”

 

“Mathair…” Killian laughed softly. “I’m nervous because this is the first time I’ll be out in public since I was released from the hospital. Besides, Sheriff Nolan will be there, and he still hates the air I breathe.”

 

“He doesn’t hate you. Anyway, he’s going to be there with his wife tonight, which means he’ll be focused more on her than on you.” Alice grinned at him, adjusting his tie. “Calm down, son, tonight is supposed to be fun, not stressful. Remember?” Her gaze then fell on the flowers. “Let me put these two in water, and then I’ll be ready to go.” She told him, taking two of the bouquets, knowing who the third one was for.   
  
“Aye, I remember. And aye, one is for you, and the other is for Mia.” Killian nodded, grinning back at her, though he still felt nervous. He had started putting on weight again, and looked much healthier than he had mere weeks ago. Killian’s muscles were filling out, too, and he was able to do more now. Killian had found work at the docks, repairing ships. It was good money, good enough for him, and the work was hard, which kept his mind off certain things. 

 

Killian had also been continuing to attend weekly counseling sessions with Nemo, who was more than happy to meet with him at the docks after work. Quite often, they met on his ship, a thing which Killian was grateful for. He knew that a lot of people in town still saw him as an addict and a bum, even if that was no longer the case. It was far easier, at least for now, for him to see Nemo in a place he felt safe and comfortable in. 

 

“Come on, son, now you’re holding us up!” Alice teased, standing near her car. Killian laughed and followed, locking the door behind him as he got in and made sure Mia was buckled into the backseat. 

 

“Stop your fussing, Killian.” Alice said with a soft, fond smile. “Try to enjoy tonight, aye?”

 

“I’ll do my best, Mathair, but don’t be surprised if I end up leaving early with Mia.” Killian replied, glancing over at her. 

 

“Try not to worry too much about what they think of you? You’ve come a long way since you left the hospital, and what matters now is that you’re here for Mia, and you’re clean. Nothing else matters, son.” Alice told him, pulling up in the parking lot of the community center.    
  
It had been decorated for Christmas, and when the three of them walked in, Killian saw stockings with the names of every child in town, Mia’s among them, with small gifts inside. He strongly suspected that Emma and Mary Margaret had been responsible for that, as he knew Mary Margaret had organized the dance and more than likely the decorations. Most of the town conveniently forgot about Mia, and seeing her name on the stocking told him that Mary Margaret held nothing against his daughter. That, Killian knew, would go a long way towards the rest of the town accepting Mia. And, maybe one day, Killian himself, though he remained doubtful on that count.

 

Aside from the stockings, there was garland hanging from the rafters, a fully decorated tree in each corner, red tablecloths with green accents on the tables, mistletoe hung in every doorway but the entrance, and candy canes that people could take off the trees to eat. There was also fake snow drifting down from the rafters, and it looked incredible.

 

“Killian! I’m so glad you and Mia could make it!” Mary Margaret called out in greeting to him, practically beaming.

 

“Mary Margaret.” Killian said with a soft, somewhat nervous smile. “Happy Christmas, lass.” He leaned in to kiss her cheek politely, and Mary Margaret hugged him. “Your decorations look amazing.” Killian complimented.

 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better. Emma won’t stop talking about you.” She whispered conspiratorially, and Killian laughed, shaking his head. 

 

“Thank you, lass.” He chuckled, straightening up. “I hope it’s good things she says about me.” Killian grinned softly before he noticed Dave walking towards them. “And that is my cue to leave. Enjoy the dance, lass.” Killian said before he slipped off into the crowd. 

 

“What did he want?” Dave asked with a scowl.

 

“David, calm down. He only wanted to wish me Merry Christmas. Why can’t you give him another chance? He’s cleaned up a lot, just look at him.” Mary Margaret said chidingly.

 

“He’s still an addict, and I don’t trust him.” Dave replied. Mary Margaret gave him a look, but said nothing, determined to enjoy the evening.

 

Killian wandered around aimlessly, pausing to check on Mia, then noticed Nemo and his mother dancing. He watched for a few minutes, smiling softly, then got himself a glass of punch before he found a place to sit and look for Emma. 

 

When he spotted Emma across the room, Killian’s eyes softened, and then he shook his head, wondering just when she had taken up so many of his thoughts. The loss of Milah was still fresh enough for him to struggle with, as was the loss of Liam, but something about her cut through all that. Something about her touched his heart, past all the pain, burning some of it away. That in itself was a miracle, but not why he loved her. Killian loved her because she was as broken as he was, and she let him in anyway. Emma was herself around him, open and honest and vulnerable, just like he was around her. Killian had hopes that the friendship would blossom into something more, when they were both ready. 

 

Killian’s eyes tracked her across the floor, taking in every tiny detail. She was wearing a pink dress, soft pink, just a little bit of makeup, and a simple ponytail. Killian was about to get up and walk over to her when he saw another man stop behind her and say something that made her laugh. David Nolan, again. His wife wasn’t far behind, Killian noticed, and he changed directions, heading towards the exit, hoping he could sneak out for a cigarette without causing a spectacle. But David saw him, and moved to follow, catching up to him quickly.

 

“Jones, what are you doing here? You’re not allowed at any town events with alcohol!” 

 

Killian stopped and turned around, adopting a devil may care attitude. “That might be a problem, mate, if I had any alcohol.”

“Then you won’t mind if I search you, mate, and do a Breathalyzer test on you.” David shot back, grabbing him and shoving him against the wall. Killian grunted, and then Nemo walked forward. Beyond the three men, a crowd was staring at them all, and Killian saw Alice and Mia standing near each other, Mia looking upset and clutching Alice’s hand tightly. 

 

“Mate, please, not here.” Killian requested, his gaze still on his daughter.

 

“Afraid of what they’ll see?” David sneered, no sympathy in his gaze. 

 

“My daughter is watching, Sheriff.” Killian replied. “She hasn’t done anything wrong, don’t make her watch this.”    
  
David eyed him briefly, then glanced at Mia. David nodded silently, and was about to take him outside when Nemo stopped beside them.

“Sheriff?” He asked, resting a hand lightly on David’s arm to get his attention. David turned towards him, waiting silently, knowing that Nemo was a good man and willing to let him speak. “Killian has been sober for months, and I can vouch for the lack of alcohol on him now. Why not let him enjoy the dance? Has he done anything to prove he’s not sober? Or anything to earn this embarrassment?”

“He’s a known alcoholic, Nemo, and a public menace.” David scowled. “He’s not supposed to be here, no matter what holiday it is.”

 

“Yes, he was, but a man is more than just his mistakes, isn’t he? If you made a mistake, would you want that to be the only way people knew you?” Nemo asked him mildly. David narrowed his eyes slightly, then nodded and let Killian go. “And it is Christmas, Sheriff, a time for everyone to show some good will.”

 

“If he ends up drunk, it’s on both of you.” David warned before he walked away. Killian went to  sit down at the tables provided away from the dance floor, watching as Swan danced with Graham. Killian was so absorbed with them that he barely noticed as Nemo sat down next to him until a cup of punch was directly in his eye. He took it and glanced up, then nodded. His eyes roamed around the room until he saw Mia sitting with a group of other children, entertained by Granny, the kindly old woman who had a soft spot for children. Killian then turned his gaze back to Emma, watching her silently, his eyes filled with emotion.

“Nemo.” Killian greeted him, sipping at his punch before he put the cup down next to him.

“Killian.” Nemo replied, following Killian’s gaze before he smiled softly, a knowing look in his eye.

“You know, you can keep holding on to your anger, to your self-loathing, or you can see the amazing life that’s right in front of you.” Nemo told him, turning back to his future son-in-law.

 

“Not tonight, mate.” Killian replied. “I just want to enjoy the dance, aye?”

“Sooner or later, Killian, you’re going to have to make a choice. She is beautiful, and kind, and caring. And she understands you. You have to ask yourself if you want to stay bitter and full of hatred forever, or if you want to live the life you have a chance to live now.” Nemo pressed, keeping his gaze on Killian.

 

“I’m not good for her, Nemo. Look at her. I’m far too broken to even consider being with someone like Emma Swan.” Killian said quietly, sipping at his punch again before he looked away from Emma.

“And yet she loves you, too.” Nemo said with a soft smile.

 

“How can you possibly know that?” Killian asked, turning to Nemo with a raised eyebrow.

 

“It’s obvious, Killian, if you’re looking at her. Really looking at her. Besides, if she didn’t, would she have spent time every day for those six weeks when you were in a coma at your bedside, waiting for you to wake up?” Nemo replied. 

 

“Is there anyone in town who doesn’t know about that?” Killian muttered, shaking his head.

 

“It’s a small town, word travels quickly.” Nemo laughed, a warm smile on his face.   
  
Killian gave him a look, and Nemo grinned unapologetically.

 

“Your mother told me. She’s worried about you, too, you know. Have you been to see her lately?” He asked, turning back to Killian.

 

“I saw her when I went to meet her and Mia before the dance. I’ll go see her again tomorrow, and spend more time with her.” Killian told him, finishing his glass of punch. “Not tonight; she’s probably expecting you after the dance..” He turned to Nemo then. “And if you hurt her, I’ll end you.”   
  
“That would only be a problem if I intend to hurt her.” Nemo replied easily, calmly. “In fact, there is something I wish to discuss with you regarding your mother.”

 

“What?” Killian asked, raising an eyebrow at the man. He had known that their relationship was serious for a while, even though Alice had kept it a bit of a secret until Killian was well enough to react with an honest response. 

 

“I want to marry her. I know that you’re the man of the family, and while we aren’t living in the most honorable of societies, I still want to do this right. Do I have your blessing?” Nemo asked him, turning to look at Killian.

 

“Do you love her?” Killian answered with a question of his own.

 

“Yes, I do. More than anything.” Nemo replied honestly.

 

“Does she love you?” Killian asked.

 

“She’s said it often enough for me to believe her, and she shows it with her eyes.” Nemo told him.

 

“Then aye, you have my blessing.” Killian smiled, his eyes warm and soft as he gazed at Nemo. “Both of you do, and I hope you’re both happy together.”

 

“Thank you, Killian.” Nemo said, reaching out to pull the younger man into a hug. Killian hugged him back, not even hesitating, and Nemo smiled softly. 

 

“You’ve come such a long way since we first met, and I am very proud of you.” Nemo told him quietly.

 

“That means a lot to me, Nemo.” Killian whispered, fighting back tears. It was the first time, including Liam, that anyone had been proud of him.

 

“Now, go and ask your lady love to dance, before she has to come look for you.” Nemo said, nudging him. Killian nudged him back, then stood up and walked towards Emma. 

 

“Care for a dance, love?” He asked, reaching for her hand.

 

“Killian! I’d love to.” Emma said with a smile, taking his hand. “But I’m not very good at dancing. I kept stepping on poor Graham’s feet.” 

 

“There’s only one rule. Pick a partner who knows what he’s doing. And clearly, Graham didn’t.” Killian replied with a grin and a wink before he spun her around and began waltzing with her in time to the music. 

 

“And you clearly know how to do this.” Emma laughed softly, following his lead. “It’s good to see you and Mia together at a town function.”

 

“Mia was begging me to come, and I can’t say no to the little angel, especially when she shows me those big eyes of hers. Has she come to say hello to you yet?”

 

“Yeah, she found me not long after I got here. She hugged me, then scampered off towards the kids’ circle, with Granny. I think Alice is going to take her home now, with Nemo.”

 

“Was I really the last one in town to find out about them?” Killian laughed, shaking his head as he spun her around.

 

“No, I don’t think Leroy knows yet. If he did, he’d have shouted it from a rooftop somewhere.” Emma laughed, her eyes dancing. Killian spun her around, then caught her and dipped her playfully, looking into her eyes. The music ended, but Killian didn’t move, and Emma reached up to caress his cheek. He leaned down, and was about to kiss her when someone bumped into them. Killian caught Emma to keep her from falling, then turned around, scowling when he saw David with his back to them, talking to someone else. 

 

Killian knew it had been a warning not to kiss Emma, that if he did, the wrath of Zeus would rain down on him in the form of the town sheriff. 

 

“Killian?” Emma asked, taking his hand in hers. He turned back to her, smiling softly. “Do you want some punch?”

 

“I’ll get us some, love. Wait here?” Killian replied. Emma nodded and he slipped off, heading towards the punch bowl. He got two glasses of punch, then lingered a few minutes, making small talk with the town woodcarver, Marco, about different types of wood and their uses in different projects. As they spoke, Killian allowed himself to be distracted from his anger at David’s blatant warning, and when he was calm enough, he excused himself, returning to Emma’s side. 

 

“Your punch, love. Sorry; Marco and I were discussing the best kinds of wood for ships and for carving.” Killian said before he realized she had been speaking with Graham.

 

“Oh, um… Thanks, Killian.” Emma said, already holding another glass of punch. “Graham was kind enough to get one for me, since I didn’t know where you’d gone.” She explained apologetically.

 

“Aye. Right. Sorry, love.” Killian replied before he turned away and went outside, where it had started to snow. He lit up a cigarette, the only vice he had left, and leaned back into the bench he was sitting on, looking out at nothing in particular. 

 

Only a few minutes later, his mother came outside, looking for him. “Killian?”

 

“Aye, Mathair?” Killian asked, not looking up as he lit another cigarette, flicking the butt of the other one into a nearby puddle. 

 

“What are you doing out here? I thought Nemo said you were dancing with Emma.”

 

“I was, but we were interrupted, and then she and Graham were flirting when I came back with her punch.”

 

“Graham? Isn’t he David’s new deputy?” Alice asked curiously, sitting down next to Killian on the bench.

 

“Aye. And no doubt, David wants his sister to date the lad.” Killian scowled. “A good, law-abiding lad who will treat Emma as though she were made of glass.” He flicked his cigarette away, bitterly jealous and angry at how David was interfering in Emma’s life. 

 

Alice watched him for a minute, tilting her head slightly. “Son, isn’t it time to tell Emma how you feel about her? The entire town knows it by now, and maybe you should find out how she feels about you, too, instead of sitting out here in the cold. A man who doesn’t fight for what he wants deserves what he gets. Remember?” 

 

“Aye, I know, but… If I’m going to be fighting him, too… I don’t want her to pick me and alienate her family, Mathair. She deserves better than that.” Killian sighed softly, slumping down into the bench. “She deserves better than me.”

 

“This has gone on long enough, son. Stop pitying yourself and start living your life. You’re not a child, you’re a grown man, and hiding behind your past does no one, including yourself, any good. If you want to be with Emma, be with her.” Alice said, her tone hardening even though her eyes remained soft and warm.

 

Killian looked up at her, then shook his head. “It’s not that simple. I’m still healing, Mathair, and recovering from a lot of things.” He stood up, slipping his hands into his pockets, his head hanging slightly. “I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want David to hurt her either.”    
  
“Why don’t you let me worry about that?” Emma asked. Killian and Alice both looked around, and Alice smiled softly, then went inside while Killian stepped closer to Emma.    
  
“Swan…”

 

“David does want Graham and I to end up together. But that’s not going to happen. He’s too… Nice. He’s got no spine, and he wants a wife who will stay home, cook, clean, and raise his kids. I’m not that kind of woman, Killian, and I think you know that.” Emma said, reaching out to take Killian’s hand.    
  
“Aye, that I do, love. You’re more of an adventurer, someone who doesn’t enjoy being subservient to a man, whether you love him or not. You’re a doctor, a cardiologist, and that means taking risks sometimes, in and out of medicine. You’d be equally at home mountain climbing as you would be curled up with a good book in a window seat.” Killian replied, meeting her eyes. “While the young lad Graham would much prefer you always being inside, without any adventure in your life.”

 

“And so would David. They’re not like you, either of them. And I love David, he’s my brother, but he doesn’t understand that women aren’t weaker than men. We’re equally strong in different ways. And we can both be hurt badly, and take time to heal. He’s more forgiving of me than he is of you because we’re related, but also because I’m a woman. Even if I had done the things you did, once I was cleaned up and stayed that way, he’d never mention any of it again.” Emma explained, sliding her fingers between Killian’s.   
  
“He sounds a bit sexist, love.” Killian said carefully.

 

“He’s just old-fashioned. It’s the way he is. It bothers me, of course, but some women don’t mind his way of thinking. Just like some men don’t mind being the more submissive partner in a relationship. It’s personal preference, not necessarily sexism.” She replied. “He believes in women’s rights, equal pay, all of that, and he’d never make a choice for his wife or for me, but that’s how he thinks.”    
  
Killian nodded, then grinned. “Meanwhile, there’s me, who believes that a woman is stronger than a man. Women give birth, and men don’t. On top of that, I have yet to meet a woman who wasn’t strong enough to raise a child. But I know a lot of men who lack that strength. Women give life, and men take it. So, who’s stronger? The man, who kills, or the woman, who births?” 

 

“That’s… Pretty deep. You think about that kind of thing a lot?” Emma asked with a teasing grin. 

 

“Not too often. But I can’t help think about it sometimes; I’m surrounded by women. Mia, you, my mother.” He shrugged. “I’m not a mama’s boy, but I do have respect for women and their autonomy.”

 

“We’re having a pretty deep conversation right now.” Emma noticed, leaning in to kiss Killian’s cheek. “What do you say we take a walk, and try to talk about other things?”

 

“Aye, I’d love to.” Killian grinned, offering her his arm. She linked her arm through his and they headed off down the street, the snow falling around them peacefully.    
  
“So, ice cream, or hot chocolate?” Killian asked, reaching down to scoop up a handful of snow. He formed a snowball with it, and threw it, hitting the sign for the sheriff’s station right in the center.    
  
“How about the ship? You have hot chocolate there, don’t you?” Emma suggested, laughing at his antics.    
  
“Aye, with cinnamon and whipped cream. You’ve gotten my daughter hooked on it.” Killian teased, kissing her cheek as he turned down a side alley that led to the docks.

 

“So, your mother is getting married?” Emma asked, glancing up at him.    
  
“Aye, to Nemo. I’m happy for them, really. He’s a good man, and she deserves some happiness after everything.” Killian replied, leading her onto the ship and down to his cabin. While Emma got comfortable, he started making her hot chocolate, digging out the cinnamon and mixing it into the melting chocolate directly.    
  
“Have you ever thought about getting married yourself?” Emma wondered, watching him in the kitchen. Killian’s thoughts turned towards the ring that he was currently carrying in his pocket, and a small smile crossed his face.    
  
“Aye, love, that I have. Have you?”    
  
“I don’t know. It makes a lot of people happy, but there’s a lot of divorces, too.”    
  
“That’s because people give up too easily. I’d never give up on you, no matter what happened.” Killian replied, pouring her hot chocolate and adding some milk to it before pouring his own and adding a peppermint stick.    
  
“I wouldn’t give up on you, either.” Emma told him, sitting beside him and leaning against him. “I love you too much to give up, not after everything we’ve been through together.”

 

“I love you, too, Swan.” Killian said, kissing her softly as he settled in and got comfortable next to her. “What time shall I pick you tomorrow, for our trip to Ireland?”    
  
“Hm… What time is the ship leaving?”    
  
“As early as possible; if we’re lucky, we can catch the tide. Probably long before sunrise, since Mia is already here and her things are packed and ready to go. My mother is also packed, and Nemo is joining us later on, since he’s flying out. How early can you be ready?”    
  
“If I go home after I finish this, I can pack, then bring my suitcase here and be ready tonight.” Emma told him, sipping at her drink. “God, that tastes so good. You really do have to tell me how you make it this good.”    
  
“That’s my secret, love, and I’m not giving it up for the world.” Killian laughed softly, sipping at his own drink. “But I’m glad you like it.” He winked at her, his eyes sparkling in the firelight. Emma made a face at him, but finished her drink and hurried home to pack, returning in an hour with her suitcase and dress.    
  
“Here, love. My cabin has more than enough room for both of us, even with the bigger bed.” Killian said, taking her things and putting her suitcase on the floor while hanging her dress up. 

 

Emma lounged on the bed, humming softly as she pulled Killian’s pillow close and watched him, her eyes half-closed.    
  
“You look exhausted, love. Get some sleep, aye?” Killian suggested, turning around to look at her before he laid down as well, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. Emma settled in, and within seconds was fast asleep. Killian fell asleep soon after, pulling a blanket over them both.

 

The next morning, Killian woke early and got to work on breakfast while Alice brought her things and set up her cabin. When she took over, Killian went out on deck and raised the anchor, then lowered the sails and began guiding the ship out to sea slowly, letting the tide do most of the work.    
  
Emma woke alone and looked around before she realized they were at sea. She got dressed and joined Killian on deck, greeting him with a warm kiss.    
  
“Morning, love.” Killian whispered in her ear, skimming his lips over her neck lightly. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“Very well.” Emma hummed, wrapping her arms around him loosely. “Where are we?”    
  
“Not too far from Storybrooke. Maybe fifty miles or so; I haven’t been up here very long. Breakfast should be nearly ready, if you’re hungry.” Killian replied, kissing her cheek softly. “The weather looks promising today, so we should make good time.”    
  
“Do you want me to bring something up for you to eat?” Emma asked, turning to go back below.    
  
“No, I’ll be down in a few minutes. The course is set, so all I have to do is tie the helm to keep it steady while I eat.” Killian told her, picking up a coil of rope and checking the course before he tied off the helm tightly.    
  
The rest of the trip passed uneventfully, with the worst of the weather some cloud cover. When they reached Ireland, Killian docked the ship skillfully, and they all then checked into the hotel they were staying at until the wedding, since Mia was tired of being cooped up on the ship. 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The day of the wedding came quickly, and Killian finished getting dressed, and then went to check on Mia, who was the flower girl. He grinned widely at the sight of her in her pale blue dress. The colors his mother had eventually settled on with Nemo were light blue with cream accents. Both the wedding and the reception were taking place at a castle in Ireland, right on the coast, and had actually been Killian’s suggestion. As the best man, he’d been included in quite a bit of the wedding planning. 

 

“Mia, you look like a princess. Where are your shoes, little love?” Killian asked, looking around the room before looking back at his daughter. 

“In the closet, Papa.” Mia said, walking over to him and looking up at him, smiling widely. Killian pulled the box out and helped Mia put her shoes on, then lifted her up into his arms effortlessly. 

“Ready to go, princess?” He grinned at her. 

 

“Papa, why are you wearing a skirt?” 

 

“It’s a kilt, princess. It’s a tradition for our family. Men wear kilts to weddings.” Killian explained, chuckling softly. “Besides, Grandma insisted on it. And so did Emma.” He kissed Mia’s cheek, then set her back down. “Go and get your basket, princess, and we’ll get to the church.” Killian said, nudging her gently. 

 

Mia grabbed her basket, then skipped down the stairs and got in the waiting limo. Killian double-checked to make sure he had the rings, then followed, locking the front door behind himself. 

 

When he pulled up into the parking lot, Emma was already at the castle, having walked to meet them. She was staying at a hotel not far from the castle, while Mia and Killian were staying aboard his ship. They had considered all going together with the ship, but Emma’s patients had needed some last minute care, and so she booked a flight instead. 

 

“You look breathtaking, love.” Killian said, leaning in to kiss her softly, wrapping an arm around her waist loosely. 

 

“You look pretty good yourself, Killian. Nice skirt.” Emma teased. 

 

“I knew it was a skirt!” Mia giggled, while Killian shook his head at both of them. 

 

“Terrible, the pair of you. Come on; we can’t keep everyone waiting.” Killian replied, chuckling softly as he kissed Emma once more, then led Mia inside. 

 

Alice was in the small room just off the larger wedding hall, and Killian led Mia over to her, opening the door. 

 

“Alright, princess, wait here with Emma and Grandma. Aye? They’ll make sure you’re ready when it’s time. I’m going to be at the front of the church, with Grandpa Nemo.” Killian told Mia, kissing her forehead lightly before he looked up at his mother. 

“Mathair, you look radiant. Are you sure he’s the one for you?” Killian asked, grinning to show he was only teasing her. 

“Don’t you have a place to be, son?” Alice shot back, grinning at him as she shook her head. “Nemo is nervous, I know he is. Go make sure my husband to be is alright?” 

 

“Aye, Mathair.” Killian nodded, kissing her cheek before he turned and went to find Nemo, who was standing at the altar.

 

“Killian.” Nemo greeted him, shaking his future son in law’s hand. “You’ve seen your mother?” 

 

“Aye, that I have. She’s eager to be your wife.” Killian replied, gripping Nemo’s hand briefly before releasing it and reaching up to adjust the older man’s tie. “She also said you were probably nervous. Are you, mate?” 

 

“Yes, but in a good way. I know this is right. I love her.” Nemo told him, meeting Killian’s eyes. 

 

“If you didn’t, I’d be talking you both out of this. And I know you won’t hurt her the way Brennan did. You’re a good man, Nemo, and I know you’ll treat her like a queen.” Killian reassured Nemo, taking the rings out of his pocket and holding them up for Nemo to see.

 

Nemo glanced at them, then looked up at Killian with a nod, the proud look in his eyes softening. “She is a queen in my eyes.” Nemo said, glancing back towards the aisle. 

 

Killian turned to follow his gaze and saw Emma and Mia standing at the beginning of the aisle. The music began playing, and Killian took his place to Nemo’s right, both men gazing towards Mia and Emma. It was a slow song, classical music, something Killian didn’t recognize, but it was perfect for the location and setting. 

 

Mia scattered the flower petals all around her, just as she’d been instructed, and Emma followed close behind Mia, walking slowly up the aisle. Once they reached the altar, Mia moved off to sit by Granny, and Emma took her place to the left of where Alice would stand. 

Killian’s eyes followed Emma until the music changed, and then he turned to look over his shoulder, watching his mother slowly move up the aisle. 

 

Nemo stared openly, a loving expression on his face as he gazed at his wife to be, his hands clasped in front of him, showing his military bearing. 

 

Alice gazed up at Nemo as she slowly walked towards him, and when she reached the altar, Emma took her bouquet as Nemo took her hands in his. 

 

Killian smiled softly at the pair of them, dreaming of the day when it would be his turn to marry. He knew that he loved Emma, and that he wanted her to be the one standing beside him, surrounded by friends and family. 

 

He hardly paid attention to the priest, until it was time to give the rings to Nemo and Alice. Killian removed the boxes from his pocket and opened them, holding them out for Nemo to take. 

 

They exchanged vows, sliding the rings onto each other’s fingers, and then the priest blessed them before declaring them man and wife. 

 

Nemo and Alice left first, leaving the wedding area and going into the reception room of the castle, their eyes fixed on each other. It was easy for everyone to see that they were in love, and Killian pulled Emma closer, kissing her softly.    
  
“They look happy.” Emma said, a note of longing in her voice and eyes.    
  
“Aye, love. One day, I hope we’ll be as happy as they are.” Killian replied, kissing her again softly. The music started playing, but no one went out to dance yet, leaving the first dance for the newlyweds, and the second for Killian and Alice.

 

After several dances with various guests, one of which was with Mia and another with Mary Margaret, Killian snuck away out onto the balcony and gazed out at the stars. The wedding reception was at an Irish castle, near a shoreline, and the stars were shining brightly overhead. It was a perfect ending to a beautiful day, and he was happy for his mother, and for Nemo. 

 

Killian reached into the pocket of his tuxedo jacket and took out the small bright blue box he’d been carrying around for weeks now. He opened it, gazing down at the ring he had designed for Emma, then closed it and returned it to his pocket before looking out at the ocean, lost in his own thoughts until he heard someone behind him. 

 

“Killian?” Alice asked, standing in the doorway behind him. Killian looked up and turned around, smiling softly. 

 

“Mathair.” Killian said, stepping closer and kissing her cheek, his eyes softening slightly. He could see Nemo making his way over to Mia, who was sitting at a table and watching the dancing adults curiously.

 

“Have one more dance with me before I leave with Nemo? And then I want you to ask Emma that question I know you’ve been looking for the right moment to ask. This is the most romantic place I’ve ever seen, and I know Emma loves it, too. Make it a more memorable occasion for her than just another wedding.” Alice urged, taking his hand in hers. 

 

“I was going to ask her tonight, I was just waiting for the right moment. I think I’ll do it out here, though.” Killian replied, his eyes softening as he gazed at his mother. “Now, one more dance, aye? Then I need to go intimidate the groom before you two leave.” He teased, grinning at his mother when she swatted at his shoulder. 

 

Killian led Alice back onto the dance floor, where he noticed Emma watching him as Mia and Nemo danced. A slow song started at Killian’s gesture, and he effortlessly guided his mother through all the steps. When the song ended, Killian stepped closer and hugged his mother, kissing her forehead. Another slow song started, and Nemo stepped in. 

 

“May I have this dance, Alice?” He requested, having eyes for no one but her. Killian stepped back, his eyes falling on Emma, and he walked towards her, then bowed slightly. 

 

“May I have this dance, my lovely Swan?” Killian asked, holding his hand out for her. 

 

“I’d love to.” Emma said with a smile, standing up and taking his hand. Killian led her to the dance floor, then began waltzing with her, twirling her around and dipping her gently before he spun her closer into him. “Meet me on the balcony when the song ends?” Killian whispered in her ear. 

 

“Sure. Is everything okay?” Emma asked softly, looking into his eyes. 

 

“Aye, love, just needing a quiet moment with you.” Killian reassured her. The song ended, and Killian raised Emma’s hand to his lips, meeting her eyes.

 

Emma gazed at him, smiling tenderly at him before she made her way to the balcony, waiting for him outside. 

 

Killian checked on Mia, who was with Granny in the corner of the room, listening to one of the old woman’s stories intently. Granny nodded at him, and he smiled back at her before he went outside after Emma. He closed the balcony doors and locked them from the outside, then turned to her. 

 

“It’s a beautiful place. Like something out of a dream.” Emma said, her eyes on the stars above them. 

 

Killian walked closer, wrapping his arms around her from behind. “Aye, love, that it is.” He whispered in her ear, kissing her temple softly. “And you are far more beautiful than anything else I see right now.”

“Flirt.” Emma teased, turning around in his arms and wrapping her arms around his neck. 

 

“Aye, a little. But you can hardly hold that against me, when I see a beautiful blonde vision before my eyes.” Killian grinned, reaching up to scratch behind his ear nervously. 

 

“Are you sure everything is alright?” Emma asked, searching his eyes. 

 

“Aye, love, I promise. I’m just a bit nervous about… About something.” Killian said, reaching into his jacket pocket. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. I’ve been waiting for the right time, and this is the perfect time, love.” 

 

“Perfect time?” Emma watched him, then her eyes widened as she spotted the blue box in his hand. 

 

Killian knelt down and opened the box, turning it around so she could see the ring inside. It was a gold band with a heart shaped emerald on it, with two smaller sapphires on either side. “When we first met, I was a poor excuse for a man. Broken, shattered, bitterly angry, and drowning in a sea of my own making. You saved me, and you kept saving me, showing me a path that was far better than the dark trail I was walking. You brought me out of the darkness and into the light. And somewhere during our journey together, I began falling in love with you, Emma Swan. I fell in love with every part of you, even those parts that you keep secret from the rest of the world. And we healed each other. I know you healed me, love. Others helped, but you did the most. You showed me kindness and love, and I can never repay that, but I’ll spend at least a lifetime trying. If you’ll have me, Swan.” Killian took a deep breath, looking up into her eyes. 

 

“Will you marry me, Emma Swan? Will you let me spend the rest of my life waking up to you in my arms, will you let me spend every day showing you how much I love you and how amazing and wonderful you are? Will you accept me as your husband, forever?” Killian asked, his eyes searching hers as he waited for her answer, holding his breath, terrified she would say no, hoping against hope that she would say yes.

Emma’s eyes were wide as she stared down at him, tears filling her eyes when she heard him start to speak. “Yes, Killian. Absolutely, yes. I love you so much, and I want to spend eternity with you.” Emma said, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him deeply, passionately. “Yes!” She whispered in his ear. 

 

Killian grinned widely and kissed her back, seizing her hand and sliding the ring onto her finger. 

  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian and Emma start planning their wedding, with some help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjrfor her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

The next day, the wedding planning began in earnest, thanks to Mary Margaret’s obsession with weddings and her incredibly thick binder filled with ideas of all kinds for her sister-in-law’s wedding. There was every conceivable idea, style of dress, color theme, and location except for those Mary Margaret had used herself.

 

“What do you think about sea glass blue and ivory for the colors?” Emma suggested, flipping through Mary Margaret’s binder.

 

Killian looked over at the color swatches Emma was flipping through, the computer in front of him set to a page for Irish castles available for wedding receptions. “Those could look good.” He said, studying them briefly before a set of blue and gold swatches caught his eye. “But I think I like these better.” Killian told her, pulling them out and holding them up. “What do you think?” He asked her, pulling up some ideas for a blue and gold wedding from Google. He turned the computer towards her so she could see, and her eyes lit up at some of the pictures. 

 

“I really like a lot of this, but you don’t think it’ll be too dark?” Emma asked, tilting her head slightly. 

“No; I think the gold will make the blue look brighter, and there are dozens of shades of blue, anyway. We can pick one that’s not too dark, or too pale.” Killian replied, leaning back in his chair slightly. “Now, for flowers, how about yellow lilies?” He suggested, showing her a picture of one. 

 

“Those are pretty, but I’m not sure. Maybe yellow roses?” Emma replied, showing him a rose bouquet. 

 

“I don’t know about that, since yellow roses mean friendship. Maybe blue lilies instead?” Killian asked, pulling up some pictures on Google. 

Emma scrolled through them, then shook her head. “Some of them are nice, but none of them feel right, you know? Maybe we should stop for today; we at least have a color scheme picked out, which is more than what we had when we started this morning.” Emma said, leaning back in her chair and rubbing the back of her neck. 

 

Killian got up and stepped behind her, massaging and kneading the back of her neck as he kissed her cheek. “Aye, that’s true. And we have a lot of time before we need to have any of this finalized, anyway. I know you liked the castle where my mother and Nemo got married. Do you want to book that place?” He asked, looking down at her. 

 

“Can we?” Emma said hopefully, looking up at him. “That place was amazing, and so perfect for a wedding.” 

 

“Of course we can. I have more than enough money to cover it.” Killian promised, kissing her softly. “We can even have a honeymoon in Ireland, if you want. Or anywhere else in the world, since we don’t have to worry about a hotel.” 

 

“The ship is big enough to take us all over the world?” Emma asked, kissing him again.

 

“Oh, aye. She is, and more than capable of making longer journeys. She can get us anywhere we want to go.” Killian told her, continuing to knead her neck.

 

“That’s settled, then. We can use the ship for our honeymoon and book the castle in Ireland for our wedding and the reception.” Emma agreed. “Tomorrow, go pick out your tuxedo? Take Nemo with you, since he’s your best man.”    
  
“Aye, love.” Killian agreed, kissing her lovingly.

 

The next day, Killian stopped by Alice’s house to get Nemo, then they began walking down Main Street. 

 

“What colors did Emma pick out?” Nemo asked as he and Killian stopped in front of the tuxedo rental shop.

“Blue and gold, but she’s wearing a white dress, so I can wear a black tuxedo or a blue one. She’s leaving which color I pick up to me, since either one will match with her dress.” Killian replied, eyeing the shop with an almost nervous look on his face. 

 

Nemo rested his hand on Killian’s shoulder. “Come on, Killian. You know this is going to go well, and you two love each other. This is just the last step towards making sure the rest of the world knows it.” He said, opening the door. “Let’s go and pick out your tuxedo, son.” 

 

Killian walked inside and glanced around, then moved towards a display of tuxedos in various shades of blue to get a closer look. Nemo followed him, pausing to speak to one of the employees. 

 

“My son needs a blue tuxedo, I think. The colors for his wedding are blue and gold, so I was thinking of a royal blue or something close to that shade.” Nemo said. The young woman nodded and led Nemo to the back of the store. 

 

“I think I have just the thing here. We only got it in this morning, and no one else has gotten a look at it yet. It’s a royal blue, and we can pair it with a white vest, or a gold brocade vest, depending on his preference. Black shoes would work best with this particular style and color. We supply the tuxedo, shirt, shoes, socks, tie, and pocket square. You can rent it, or buy it outright, but if you rent it, it has to be returned the day after the event.” She explained before digging a tuxedo out of a box and holding it up for Nemo to see. 

 

Nemo looked it over quickly, taking note of the black velvet lapels and pocket flaps before he turned to Killian. “Killian, come look at this one.” He called out. 

 

Killian looked back at Nemo, then saw the tuxedo and walked closer. “That’s perfect. That’s the one. Now… I think that a gold brocade vest and a white shirt with a gold tie would look good. This way I match everything, no matter what shade it might be. What do you think, Nemo?” He asked. 

 

“Maybe a gold tie with a white shirt and a black vest? You don’t want to have too much gold, I think.” Nemo replied. 

 

The salesperson pulled out a gold brocade vest and a white shirt and held them against the tuxedo jacket to show them how it would look. “I think that would look great. How about you go try it all on, and then we can see how it looks on you? If we need to change anything, we can as long as you do it today.” She told them. 

 

Killian went to try on the tuxedo, taking the gold vest with him as well as a gold tie. When he came back out, Nemo nearly cringed. 

 

“Too much gold. Let’s try the black vest with the gold tie and the white shirt. I think that would look better.” He suggested. 

 

“I think your father is right.” The salesperson agreed quickly, handing Killian a black vest and sending him into the changing room again. 

 

This time, when Killian came back out, Nemo nodded. “Much better, son. Much, much better. This is more elegant, while still matching the color scheme. Do you like it?” Nemo asked, looking from the tuxedo to Killian. 

Killian studied his reflection in the mirror before he nodded. “Aye, this works well, I think. I’m going to buy it in full, so how much is it?” He asked, not terribly worried about the cost. He still had a lot of money put away that he’d been investing and saving over the years. 

 

“This is going to be around $5,000 in total.” The salesperson told him as she began taking his measurements. 

 

“That isn’t so bad. I was expecting it to be more.” Killian commented. 

 

While he and Nemo were at the tuxedo shop, Emma and Mary Margaret were at the sheriff’s station with David, trying to talk him into attending the wedding and to give Emma away. 

 

“David, you’re my brother. You and Mary Margaret are the only blood relatives I have. Please, don’t make me walk down the aisle alone.” Emma pleaded, sitting in front of David’s desk. 

 

“Emma… He’s not a good guy. He’s not someone I approve of.” David said, sighing softly. 

 

Mary Margaret leaned over and pinched David’s ear hard. “Stop being so childish. Emma is your sister, and if you don’t walk her down the aisle, you’re going to regret not being there for her on the most important day of her life so far. Do you really want to let her down that way?” 

 

“No, but I don’t like him. Emma, are you sure about this?” David asked, wincing as Mary Margaret’s grip on his ear tightened. 

 

“I love him, David. He understands me, and I understand him. We’re meant to be together, and I’m going to marry him, with or without you giving me away. I’d have liked it if you were a part of my wedding, but if you really can’t get over some things he did because he was alone and grieving, then maybe you shouldn’t be there.” Emma said, getting up and turning to leave. 

 

“Alright.” David agreed, somewhat reluctantly. “Alright, I’ll give you away. But if he hurts you, Emma, there won’t be a single place on earth where he can hide.” 

 

“He’s not going to hurt me. He’s not that kind of man.” Emma replied, meeting her brother’s eyes. 

 

“When are you going to start looking at reception halls?” Mary Margaret asked, releasing her husband’s ear. David reached up and rubbed it, wincing lightly. 

“We’re going to Ireland at the end of the week. It’s going to be a vacation, too, with Mia joining us. There’s some kind of music festival Killian got us all tickets for, so we’ll be gone for about two weeks. That should be enough time, and if not, then I’ll make sure I call you and let you know that we’ll be back later than we thought.” Emma told her sister as she hugged David tightly. “Thanks, David.” She said in his ear. 

 

David nodded, hugging her back. “I just want you to be happy, Emma. You know that, don’t you?” He asked softly. 

 

“I know, and I appreciate it. I really do.” Emma reassured him before letting go. “Now, I’ve got to go start packing. Killian and Nemo went to pick out his tuxedo today, and tomorrow I’m going to go dress shopping. Mary Margaret, you’re coming with me, right? As my maid of honor?”

The squeal that Mary Margaret let out was enough to make both David and Emma cover their ears to try and protect their ear drums, though both also burst out laughing at her reaction before Mary Margaret practically tackled Emma in a tight hug. 

 

“Of course I’ll be your maid of honor!” She said through her happy tears. 

 

Emma laughed softly and held up a box of tissues. “The only one who should be crying is me on the day of the wedding.” She teased her sister in law. 

 

“Oh, stop that.” Mary Margaret swatted at Emma lightly, teasingly. “Just you wait until you start trying on dresses. Then it will really sink in, and you won’t be able to stop yourself from tearing up at how beautiful you look and how perfect your day is going to be.” 

 

“Well, if that happens, then I’m going to be counting on you to keep me from turning into a blubbering mess. I don’t think the shop owners will be pleased if their dresses all have tear stains on them.” Emma laughed, shaking her head.

 

“I know you want a white dress, but-“ 

 

“Alright, I have to get back to work.” David cut in before Mary Margaret could start turning his office into a wedding planner’s office. “Besides, Mary Margaret, your binder is at Emma’s house. It’ll be easier for the two of you to come up with ideas if you’ve got pictures and samples of fabrics in front of you.” He pointed out. 

“Yeah, David’s right. We can get lunch from Granny’s on the way back, too, and maybe see how Killian and Nemo are doing.” Emma agreed as she stood up, tugging Mary Margaret along behind her. 

 

Mary Margaret kissed David’s cheek before she left, following Emma to Granny’s. Once they had their food, they made their way to Emma’s house, where the binder and the color swatches they’d picked out were on the dining room table. 

 

“So, a white dress. Do you want feathers or bows or crystals on it? Or just a simpler thing?” Mary Margaret asked, turning the pages to the wedding dress ideas she had earmarked. 

“I was leaning more towards something simpler, but I do like this one.” Emma said, pointing to a white dress with lace and crystals decorating the bodice. “It’s not too overdone, but it’s got just enough to keep it from being boring. I also saw another one, with crystals forming a bow at the bottom of the bodice. Killian seemed to like this one, but I’m not too sure about it. It might have too much going on. I don’t want to wear a dress with so much embellishment on it because that’s just not something I like.” 

 

Mary Margaret nodded before she turned to another page, pulling out a picture of a dress that she thought would be perfect for Emma. “How about this one? It’s got some beadwork on it, with a bow that goes around the back, but that’s it as far as embellishment goes. The train is a little long, but we can probably have it shortened if you want.” Mary Margaret said, turning the page so Emma could see it. 

 

Emma put down her cup of hot chocolate and studied it, her eyes widening slightly. “This is perfect. I don’t know how I missed this the first time around, but this is the dress.” She replied excitedly. “Where do they sell it?” Emma asked Mary Margaret. 

 

“Group USA. There’s a mall not too far out of town that we can go to tomorrow.” Mary Margaret told her with a wide smile. “We’ll probably end up spending the entire day there, but there’s a few restaurants we can get food at.” 

 

“That sounds like a plan to me.” Emma replied eagerly, already looking forward to seeing the wedding dress in person. “What time should I pick you up?” 

 

“It’s best if we go early, or we’ll never find a place to park. How about 9:00? I’ll have coffee waiting for both of us.” Mary Margaret said, Emma’s enthusiasm catching. 

 

“Perfect. I’ll pick you up then, and I’ll pay for lunch, too. Or dinner, whichever we end up getting.” Emma told her, finishing her hot chocolate. “Now, about the flowers… Killian suggested lilies, but I kind of like roses. Not blue, though, since from what I know, that was a thing between him and Milah. What do you think?” 

 

“I think that lilies are a great idea, but a bouquet of blue wildflowers might be nice, too. We can have gold leaves mixed into it, and a flower or two in your hair on either side of the veil. Unless you were planning on a tiara?” Mary Margaret asked. 

 

“I hadn’t decided yet, but I’m leaning more towards the veil than the tiara. I’m not much of a princess. There’s nothing wrong with them, it’s just not me.” Emma replied. “But flowers holding the veil in place might be a good idea. It’s just enough of an accent to draw attention away from any pins or anything holding the veil in place.”

 

“So, blue flowers with gold leaves on either side of the veil. I think that’s going to look really good, Emma.” Mary Margaret beamed, standing up and reaching for her purse. “I’ve got to get going and make sure I leave something in the fridge for David to have for dinner tomorrow.” 

 

“Yeah, we don’t want him to starve.” Emma teased, knowing that her brother wouldn’t go hungry either way. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Mary Margaret.” 

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Once Mary Margaret was gone, Emma went to take a bath, sinking into the water and closing her eyes as she soaked in the heat. She was looking forward to getting married, and she enjoyed planning out the details with Killian and their friends, but sometimes it was a little stressful. The hot water felt good against her body, easing her tension until she fell asleep, her head resting on the back of the tub. 

 

“Swan?” Killian called out when he came home. He glanced into the dining room, but didn’t see her and assumed she was upstairs, sleeping. He made his way up to the bedroom, then saw her asleep in the bathtub and smiled softly. 

 

Killian walked in and began letting the water out, taking a towel and gently drying her off before he picked her up and carried her to bed, tucking her in. 

 

Emma stirred slightly, but remained asleep, and Killian’s eyes softened as he gently brushed some hair back from her face before he returned downstairs and began putting dinner together for them. He knew she’d been more stressed than usual, between her patients and planning their wedding, and while he did what he could, Emma often insisted on doing more because it was for them, not just him. He had tried the same argument in reverse once, but only once, as it had led to a much larger argument that had not ended well. 

“Killian?” Emma asked, looking around when she woke. 

 

“Downstairs, love.” Killian called up to her. “I’ve got dinner waiting for us, so come down when you’re ready?” 

 

“I’ll be down in a minute, I just need to get dressed.” Emma called back. She dressed quickly, pulling on one of Killian’s shirts and a pair of pants before heading down to the kitchen. Emma kissed him softly, wrapping her arms around him from behind, and then rested her cheek against his back. 

 

“Hello, love.” Killian said softly, turning his head slightly. “Did you sleep well?” 

 

“Mhmm. How long was I asleep?” Emma hummed, kissing his cheek again. 

 

“Two hours. You fell asleep in the bath, and I dried you off before tucking you into bed.” Killian explained, setting their food on plates and turning around in her arms, leaning down to kiss her tenderly. 

 

Emma kissed him back, then kissed him again, more deeply, her arms tightening around him as she pressed herself close. “Mmm… Something smells good.” She teased, catching her breath as she glanced at the food. 

 

“Ha ha.” He grinned, shaking his head at her. “Come and eat, love.”    
  
After dinner, Emma went back to bed, and Killian joined her once the dishes were done.   
  
The next day, Emma woke early, knowing that Mary Margaret was picking her up, and so she took a shower and dressed quickly before going downstairs to wait. They spent the entire day dress shopping, with Emma trying on dress after dress until she finally found the perfect one, the one that brought tears to her eyes when she saw her reflection.    
  
“This one is perfect!” Emma breathed, staring at herself in the mirror. “It fits like a glove, too!”

 

“It looks perfect on you, Emma. You look so beautiful.” Mary Margaret said, misting up as she smiled broadly at her sister-in-law. “You’re going to make such a beautiful bride…”    
  
“Don’t start crying, because then I will, and neither of us will be able to stop.” Emma laughed, shaking her head. She disappeared into the changing room and came back out with the dress in her hands. “It doesn’t even need to be tailored, so let me just go pay for it, then we can go and eat. I want to be back soon, because Killian and I are leaving tomorrow, with Mia. We want to book that Irish castle as soon as possible, since it’s a popular wedding place.”

 

“Alright, I’ll meet you at the front of the store, then. I want to pick up my bridesmaid dress quickly.” Mary Margaret replied before disappearing into another part of the store. Both women soon reached the front of the store carrying garment bags and then decided on a place to eat. 

 

“I’m just going to have a salad, since I don’t want to put on any weight.” Emma said as she sat down across from Mary Margaret, who nodded.    
  
“Alright. I’m going to get the lobster special; I’ve heard good things about it.” Mary Margaret replied, glancing at the menu before a waiter walked over. They placed their orders and settled in to wait, both excited over the coming wedding.    
  
“I’ve never seen you so happy. I honestly never thought I would.” Mary Margaret finally said, meeting Emma’s eyes.    
  
“I didn’t think I could be this happy again, not after Neal. But Killian is different. He’s special. I love him.” Emma replied, a dreamy look in her eyes. Mary Margaret smiled into her drink at the look in Emma’s eyes, and then their food arrived.    
  
Emma began eating right away, having skipped breakfast to be able to meet Mary Margaret on time.    
  
“Did you forget what food looks like?” Mary Margaret teased, grinning.    
  
“This is the first thing I’ve eaten today.” Emma told her. “I’m starving.” She worked through as much of the salad as she could before putting her fork down. 

 

Mary Margaret finished her lunch as well, then gestured to the waiter for the check. “If we hurry and pick out shoes, we might make it back home in time for dinner.” She told Emma, paying for lunch and standing up. Emma nodded and led her to a shoe store nearby, looking over their selection of heels and flat shoes that would match the dress. She picked out a pair of white ones with accents that matched the dress perfectly, and picked out a pair of flats in the same style.    
  
Mary Margaret was torn between a pair of blue shoes with gold accents, and a pair of gold shoes with blue accents. 

Emma walked over to her, holding her two boxes, then picked up a pair of gold heels with blue accents. “How about these for the ceremony, and the flats for the reception?” Emma suggested. “They look almost exactly the same as the gold heels.”    
  
Mary Margaret studied them, then nodded. “They’re perfect. This is going to be an amazing wedding, Emma.” She said, grinning at Emma before she paid for their shoes, all four pairs of them.

  
“I’m going to pay you back for those.” Emma told her as she took the bags. “It’s only fair.”   
  
“That’s not going to happen.” Mary Margaret replied. “I’ll only add that money into your wedding gift.”    
  
Emma groaned in mock aggravation, and Mary Margaret laughed as they began walking to the car.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian plans a secret for Emma, during their trip to Ireland, and surprises her with a perfect day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjrfor her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback

The end of the week came quickly, with Emma almost completely packed. At Killian’s request, she had also packed her wedding dress, though she had been confused by it. 

 

“Swan, are you ready?” Killian asked, poking his head into her bedroom, where she was still packing her things. “Mia’s practically bouncing off the ceiling with excitement.”    
  
“I’m almost done, Killian, just a few more things to pack and then we can go.” Emma replied, filling up her makeup bag with essentials and then grabbing some other items, tucking them all into her suitcase. “Alright. Now we can go, once I lock up the house.”    
  
Killian picked up her suitcase, leaning down to kiss her cheek, then got Mia out into the hallway. “Alright, lass, we’re going to be off on our adventure now.” He told his daughter, grinning at her enthusiasm.    
  
“I can’t wait to see Ireland!” Mia cheered. Killian laughed, ruffling her curls as she climbed into the waiting cab that would take them back to the docks. He put Emma’s suitcase in the trunk, and Emma got in the cab next to Mia. Once all three were in the car, the cab drove off, leaving them at the docks. 

 

“The weather is supposed to be good for the next few days, and there aren’t any storms moving this far north, so it should be smooth sailing.” Killian told Emma as Mia scurried onto the ship and began exploring the cabin she claimed for her own. “But I have motion sickness medicine in case anyone needs it.”    
  
“I don’t see that being a problem for me unless we run into a storm.” Emma replied, grinning at him as she put her suitcase down in the cabin they were sharing. “But I’m looking forward to seeing Ireland, too. I want to learn more about you, and Ireland is a part of you.”

 

“Aye, that is it, love.” Killian nodded, leaning over to kiss her softly. “I’m looking forward to seeing it again, with fresh eyes and a different outlook on life.”

 

“When you were there last time…” 

 

“I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I found some small peace there, but that was also where I met Hades. This time, I’m doing things right. I’m going for a vacation, not as an escape from anything. I’m going to show Mia her heritage, and you the place where I was born, where I grew up. It’s a wonderful country, filled with music and dancing, a happy place, really. And we’re going at the best possible time; all the musical festivals are starting soon.” Killian told her with a wide grin. “You can’t walk down the street without hearing some song, new or traditional, in Gaelic and in English.” He said, raising the anchor and untying the ship from the dock. Within minutes, they had set sail, and Killian had tied the helm to hold it steady, since their course was set and it was a straight line. For now, the ropes would hold the ship to its course.

 

“Do you speak Gaelic?” Emma asked, curious about his past before Storybrooke.

 

“I can understand it, but I don’t speak much of it anymore, except for the odd word here or there. I went too long speaking only English.” Killian replied. “My mother can speak it, though, and she’s been teaching Mia.” 

 

“Do you miss any of it?” She wondered, tilting her head slightly.

 

“What, love? My past? No. I was a different man then, and aye, I miss Milah sometimes, but I fell in love again, a thing I never thought would be possible after her. But she’s still alive, in some ways, thanks to Mia. Mia has a lot in common with her mother. Milah was an artist, and a nurse, someone who enjoyed helping people and leaving her own mark on the world. Mia is the same way. I’m glad she’s more like her mother than like me; I don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made when she’s older.” Killian told her, growing serious now.

 

“I think she’s a lot like you.” Emma replied, a fond smile on her face. 

 

“She looks like me, but she acts more like Milah. I was an angry, scared lad, terrified of losing Liam and facing the world alone, and that never went away until recently. Liam was a good man, but he didn’t help me grow, not really. He taught me to depend on him, rather than stand on my own. It crippled me, in some ways.” He explained, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer to him. 

 

“The drugs?” Emma asked, laying down beside him and running her fingers through his hair. 

 

“Yes, and worshipping him in a way that wasn’t healthy. He was perfect, you see, and I could never hope to live up to his level of perfection. So, I didn’t even bother trying. I just gave up, and crawled into a bottle when he died.” Killian said, sitting down on the bed and pulling off his shirt. 

 

“I’m glad you started trying now.” Emma said quietly, looking into his eyes.  Killian met her eyes, his own gaze softening slightly before he leaned in to kiss her, his arms tightening around her. 

 

The next morning, Killian woke first, Emma still in his arms, sound asleep. After their lovemaking the previous night, both had put on clothes, well aware that Mia might be joining them in bed at some point. Killian was unwilling to scar his little princess for life, and Emma had agreed on that point. His prediction had come true; Mia was on his other side, clutching the stuffed seal he had bought her for Christmas. Killian smiled softly, then kissed Mia’s head before he turned and kissed Emma’s forehead softly. 

 

Slipping out of their grips, Killian made his way into the galley to start cooking breakfast for them, looking out the porthole to check the weather. No clouds, and it hadn’t rained, so far as he could tell. He flipped the pancakes on the griddle, then put them out on a plate before making a few special ones for Mia, with chocolate chips forming the outlines of various animals he knew she liked.    
  
“Something smells good.” Emma said from behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing the back of his neck. 

 

“It’s just from a box.” Killian laughed softly, the tips of his ears turning red. 

 

“I wasn’t talking about the pancakes.” Emma teased, rubbing her nose against that spot just behind his ear that she knew would make him turn to jelly in her hands. Killian bit back a moan, but turned around after he turned off the stove, dipping his head to capture Emma’s lips in a deep kiss, unable to resist her. Until he heard Mia walk in, at least.    
  
Looking up, Killian grinned at Mia, setting her plate of pancakes down with a glass of milk. “Here we go, princess. Eat up, aye? Today I’m going to start teaching you how to sail. Best leave your fluffy friend in your cabin, just in case.”

 

“Okay, Papa. I’ll put him on my bed once I finish eating.” Mia agreed, her eyes lighting up when she saw the shapes in the pancakes. Killian sat down across from Mia, and Emma sat down beside Killian, giving him a smile as she began eating.    
  
After breakfast, Mia went to put her stuffed animal in her cabin while Emma began washing the dishes. “Thanks for breakfast, Killian.” Emma said, turning to look at him while he began drying and putting things away.    
  
“It was no trouble, love, and I promise we can spent some time together tonight, aye? Out under the stars, with a few blankets laid out on deck.” Killian suggested, kissing her cheek. “Maybe a bottle of sparkling cider, too?”    
  
“That sounds romantic. Are you trying to romance me?” Emma teased, her eyes softening as she glanced at him, grinning lightly.    
  
“Aye, that I am, love. I can’t let you slip through my fingers, not when I’ve fallen in love with you.” Killian replied, meeting her eyes. The grin faded from Emma’s face at those words, and she tensed slightly, but said nothing. Killian stepped closer, resting his hand on her shoulder.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asked her gently, concerned at her sudden withdrawal. 

 

“No one has ever said that to me before, and I don’t know how to respond to it.” Emma said quietly, not looking at him.

 

“You don’t have to yet, love. I just wanted you to know how I feel about you.” Killian soothed, taking the sponge out of her hand and turning her to face him. He wrapped his arms around her, tucking her head under his chin, rubbing circles into her back soothingly. 

 

Emma took a slow, deep breath, relaxing slightly, and closed her eyes, the masculine scent of Killian helping calm her racing thoughts. He smelled of leather, the sea, and spices, and it soothed her, made her feel like she was home. It terrified her, too, but in a good way, a way she was coming to enjoy. Maybe it was love, but she couldn’t call it that yet, at least not out loud, because she wasn’t entirely sure he was going to stay forever. She hoped he would, and he was certainly proving that he wasn’t going to run, but Emma knew better than to trust anyone too soon.   
  
“It’s alright, love.” Killian whispered softly. “You’re safe here, I promise, and I’m not going to abandon you. I won’t do that to you, not when you didn’t give up on me. You deserve better than that, and you most certainly deserve a lot better than me, a one-handed, broken man. But I do love you, and I’ll never leave you. I swear it.”    
  
“I trust you.” Emma whispered just as softly, her hands fisting in his shirt as though to anchor them together. “And it takes a lot for me to admit that, because I’ve never said it to anyone before, not even to David or Mary Margaret. The last person I said I loved and trusted left me to take the fall for him, and when I was in jail, I lost the baby I was carrying. His child. He never knew, because I never knew where I could find him, and by the time I did, he was with another woman.”

 

Killian listened silently, not wanting to interrupt her while she was opening up to him.    
  
“He skipped bail, and she came to me, and then I found him and handed him over to the cops. I didn’t feel anything but disgust for him then, because he did to her what he did to me.” Emma said quietly, not looking at Killian, though she did feel his arms tighten around her slightly, as though to protect her and shield her.    
  
“It’s a good thing I never met him, love, or I’d be locked up for murder. No one should have done that to you. But you’re not alone anymore, I promise you that much. I’m here for you, and so is Mia, and my mother. We all love you, in different ways, and think of you as family already.” Killian said gently, kissing her cheek softly. 

 

“You’re going to make me cry.” Emma replied, swatting lightly at his chest before she let herself settle into his arms and relax a little. Killian’s eyes softened as he held her close, tucking her head beneath his chin and kissing her temple softly. 

 

“If you need to cry, love, go ahead. Gods know that I’ve cried dozens of times, so I won’t be holding it against you.” He soothed, stroking her hair softly. 

 

“I hate crying.” Emma muttered through her tears. “I almost never cry, and I shouldn’t be crying over him.” 

 

“Love, he hurt you badly. I’d say that’s worth a few tears. Tears help us let go of some things, and you’ve been holding onto this for a while, aye? I never cried over Liam or Milah until I started seeing Nemo, and when I eventually did cry, it helped.” Killian said, holding Emma close to him and stroking her hair softly. “Go ahead and let it out, love, I won’t say anything.” 

Emma buried her face in his shoulder, and before long, Killian could feel the dampness of her tears through his shirt. He rubbed his hand up and down her back softly, gently, trying to soothe her as much as possible to make her tears easier for her to bear. 

 

When Emma had stopped crying, it seemed as though hours had passed, but it couldn’t have been. They hadn’t moved from the galley, and the sun was still shining. She wiped her eyes and took a slow, deep breath, then poured herself a glass of water. 

 

Killian wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek softly. “I’ve got you, love. You’re alright.” He whispered in her ear quietly, massaging the back of her neck. 

 

“Thanks.” Emma said softly, closing her eyes. “I’m exhausted. I might go take a short nap, but if you need help with anything, come wake me up?” 

 

“Don’t worry about that, love, just go and get some rest. I’ll wake you for dinner, aye?” Killian asked, kissing her shoulder lightly. 

 

“Alright, that sounds good.” Emma agreed, yawning widely. Killian chuckled softly, then swung her into his arms and carried her to her cabin. 

 

He tucked her into her bed, then turned down the lights and kissed her tenderly. “Sleep well, love.” 

 

“Mhmm…” Emma mumbled, curling up and drifting off to sleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

 

Killian stood there watching her for a few moments, then turned and closed the door, returning to the helm of the ship after he did the dishes in the galley. Once that was done, he went out on deck and studied the course of the ship, noticing the distant clouds, then dropped the anchor and went back below to their cabin.    
  
The night passed quickly, and Killian woke well before dawn, wanting to get an early start in case of any bad weather that might pick up. He raised the anchor, lowered the sails, and continued following the course he had already charted out years before.

 

The breeze picked up as he began steering the ship along the course he had plotted on the map and memorized. It was a course as familiar to him as the ship itself was, since he had traveled it so very much. This time, however, was as different from those trips as night from day. 

 

Closing his eyes, he tilted his head back slightly and let the breeze ruffle his hair and the sun kiss his face, reveling in the feel of it all. For those few seconds, he remembered what it was like to be free, to be his own man, without worrying about Hades or anything else. 

 

When he heard Mia come out on deck, he opened his eyes and then knelt down, holding his arms out. “Mia!” 

 

“Papa!” Mia squealed as she ran into his arms and he swung her around in a small circle. “I’ve left Fluffy downstairs in my room. Can I learn how to sail now?” She asked eagerly, her eyes wide and bright with anticipation. 

 

“Of course you can, princess. Stand here, on my feet, aye?” Killian instructed, setting her down and stepping back in front of the helm. 

 

Mia stepped onto his feet and looked up at him with a wide grin. 

 

“Now, put one hand here, and your other hand on the other side. Just like that.” Killian said, guiding her hands and resting his hands over hers. “And now, we hold the helm steady. Right now, we’re chasing the sun. It’s leading us right to Ireland, see it?” He pointed it out to her, and grinned when she pointed at it, but didn’t look directly at it. “Good lass, you’ve got the sea in your blood, just like your mother.”

“Will you tell me about her?” Mia asked, looking back at him with wide, innocent eyes. 

 

“One day soon, little love. I promise.” Killian said, pressing a kiss to the top of his daughter’s curly hair. “I’ll tell you all about your mother before very long.” He owed it to both Mia and Milah to make sure that Mia knew about her mother, and he had promised Milah that he would make sure Mia knew her mother. Whether that promise had been made to Milah, or whether it had only been a hallucination, he didn’t know, but he was going to honor that promise either way. 

“When, Papa?” Mia wondered, turning the helm slightly under Killian’s gentle nudge. 

 

“On your next birthday.” He replied, looking out at the horizon. 

“Do we ever reach the horizon, Papa?” Mia asked him, looking up at him. Killian smiled softly as he gazed down at his daughter and shook his head. 

 

“No matter how much we try to reach the horizon, princess, we never get there. There’s always a new land to be explored, something past the horizon that’s even more incredible than anything we’ve ever seen before. Your mother loved chasing the horizon, and I have no doubts that one day, you’ll see the entire world using this ship.”

“Me? But… The ship belongs to you, Papa.” Mia frowned up at him. 

 

“Aye, and one day it will belong to you, princess. When you’re much older, and you can sail the ship by yourself, like I do now.” Killian said, kissing her cheek lightly. 

“I don’t want to be alone, though.” Mia said, tears forming in her eyes. 

 

“You won’t be alone, princess, not ever. Your mother is in your heart, and Emma and I are here now, and we’ll always be with you one way or another.” Killian reassured her, kneeling down and wrapping his arms around her, holding her close to him. “Even if you can’t always see us, everyone who loves you is a part of you.”

“What does that mean?” She asked, frowning at him. He gently wiped her tears away, his eyes softening.

 

“One day, princess, you’ll understand what it means.” Killian replied, kissing her forehead.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When they reached Ireland, the first thing Killian and Emma did was go visit the castle Emma had fallen in love with to inquire about dates for weddings.    
  
“We’re all booked through until spring of 2019, but we do have an opening from a cancellation this afternoon.” The person in charge of renting out the hall told them. Killian and Emma looked at each other, Killian’s eyebrow raised.    
  
“We could get married here this afternoon, love, and then have a vow renewal at home for our families to see. What do you think?” Killian suggested. “After all, didn’t David and Mary Margaret do the same thing? We have your dress and my tuxedo aboard the ship, and Mia is here, too. This way, you’ll still get married in this castle, and your family will all be at the wedding at home.”    
  
“That could work.” Emma agreed, looking around the hall before she nodded. “Yes. Let’s do that. Do you have any blue and gold decorations?” She asked the booking agent.    
  
“We do. We have them in storage, and we can have them up in time for your wedding, which will be at sunset. Does that work?” The woman asked, writing it all down in her book.   
  
“That’s perfect. Do you know a good florist nearby?” Killian asked.    
  
“We have a florist who delivers the flowers here. But if you needed anything, he’s right down the street, to the left of the post office.” She told him, glancing up at Killian quickly. “You’ll both be expected here at 4:00, to make sure everything looks right as well as to pay for the rental. It will be a total of $1,000, cash or check, no card, and the priest will come in from the local church.”    
  
“We’ll be here then.” Emma agreed, getting up and pulling Killian to his feet. “Do we have to put a down payment on it now?”    
  
“Yes, $200 and the rest later.” She replied. “Follow me; the office is just over here.” 

 

“Go ahead, Swan; I’ll be along in a moment.” Killian told Emma, pulling out his cell phone. “I’ve just got to make a quick funds transfer.”   
  
“Alright. Don’t be long.” Emma replied as she followed the woman towards her office.    
  
Killian made several phone calls, glad that everything he had planned was working out well. Once he was through, he joined Emma in the office, paying the deposit and working out the remainder of the details with the rental officer. Emma was able to pick out the flowers she wanted, and the decorations as well, down to the last detail.    
  
“We should go get something to eat, and then you’ve got to start getting ready, love.” Killian said when they left the castle, wrapping his arms around her loosely and pressing a kiss to her cheek.   
  
“It’s a good thing we brought our wedding clothes with us. Why did you insist on it?” Emma asked him curiously.    
  
“Just in case you saw another dress you liked, so you could compare the two and decide more easily. And I brought mine so that if you did find a new dress, we could be sure it would match.” Killian explained as he led her towards a sandwich shop past the florist that the castle used for its flowers.    
  
“That makes sense.” Emma replied, eyeing the shop before she walked in with Killian. She missed his wide grin as the door closed behind them and the lights all flicked on at once.    
  
“Surprise!” Came a loud cheer from Alice, David, Mary Margaret, and Nemo. Emma’s eyes widened and she stared before turning to Killian.

 

“Did you really think I wouldn’t give you the wedding of your dreams, love, with both our families there?” He asked, his eyes softening as he smiled at her.    
  
“I love you so much, Killian Jones.” Emma replied, pulling him down for a kiss.   
  
After a whirlwind in which Emma, Killian, Mia, and everyone else got their hair done and got ready in their varied ways, Killian finally stood at the altar, waiting for Emma to appear in the archway at the far end of the large hall. Nemo was at his side, and Mia was waiting with Alice, Mary Margaret, and Emma, holding a basket of flower petals.

 

It felt like the most wonderful dream as Killian watched Emma start to walk towards him, unable to tear his eyes away from her. She looked like the most beautiful vision, something not from this world. And now they were to be married. Man and wife, until the end of their days.

 

When Emma reached him, Killian took her hand in his, his eyes never once leaving her as the priest began to speak.    
  
“When we first met, Emma, I was damaged. Lost to the world. You brought me back to myself, to the world around me, and somewhere in that journey, I started falling in love with you. And now I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I love you, and will love you for as long as I live.” Killian said, looking deep into Emma’s eyes.    
  
“When you first walked into my office, Killian, I was determined not to let you into my life. But you proved, from the very beginning, that you were different from anyone else I ever met. You showed me that I was capable of love, and of being loved, and now I can’t imagine a day when you’re not by my side. You’re my best friend, the man I love, and I will always love you.”   
  
When their rings were on each other’s fingers, the priest raised his hands. “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride.”    
  
Killian leaned in slightly and kissed Emma, to loud cheers from everyone. He kept the kiss going for a bit longer than was customary, until David cleared his throat. Killian opened his eyes and reluctantly pulled away, turning to face their families. His eyes immediately met David’s eyes, and David stared at him for a long moment before he nodded once.    
  
“Looks like David can accept you now. Good, I really didn’t want to have to kick his butt later.” Emma muttered, grinning softly. Killian choked back a laugh before he led Emma down the hall, then into the room for the reception, which was also in the castle and done up in gold and shades of blue. “This looks incredible…” She whispered, her eyes wide as she took it all in. “Thank you, Killian.”    
  
“I’d hardly be a fit husband if I didn’t make sure this wedding wasn’t exactly what you dreamed of for so long, love.” Killian replied, leaning over to kiss her softly. “Come, let’s go sit down, aye? I have a pair of shoes waiting for you to dance in, if you’d like.”   
  
“You really did think of everything, didn’t you?” Emma asked him, grinning widely as they sat down at the table near the dance floor.    
  
“I certainly tried to, love, though it wasn’t easy, managing everything. Thankfully, Mary Margaret and my mother helped me remember things I didn’t realize were necessary.” He explained as the others filled in the room, David immediately making his way over to Emma and Killian.    
  
“I’d like a dance with my sister, since I did give her away.” David said. 

“Of course, mate. Go right ahead.” Killian replied, standing up as well. Alice glanced over, then walked to the table where Killian was sitting. As the waltz started, David dancing around with Emma, glancing down at her..    
  
“You’re sure about him?” David asked her as they made their way through the dance.    
  
“Yes, and even if I weren’t, it’s too late. We’re married now, and I don’t plan on letting him slip through my fingers. He is to me what you are to Mary Margaret.” Emma told him firmly, meeting his eyes.    
  
“If he hurts you…”    
  
“He won’t, and don’t you dare even think about giving him the protective big brother speech. Leave him alone, David. He loves me.” Emma replied, shaking her head at him.   
  


“You look happy, son.” Alice noticed as she sank into Emma’s abandoned chair.    
  
“This is the happiest day of my life.” Killian replied, leaning over to kiss his mother’s cheek. “Made even happier by the fact that you were all able to come.”

 

“Nemo and I will leave tomorrow afternoon, and bring Mia back with us, so you and Emma can have a proper honeymoon without worrying about anything.”    
  
“I appreciate that. I’ve a gift coming to your house in the morning for Mia, too, so she’ll be pleased to have it.” Killian said, sipping at his champagne as he watched Emma and David dance.    
  
“What kind of gift?” Alice asked, raising an eyebrow.    
  
“A dog. He’s being trained now by Archie, so you won’t have to worry about that. He’s also up to date on his shots, and there’s food for him waiting aboard my ship. She can name him, of course, and he’ll be her responsibility.” Killian told her, turning to face her. “I felt bad about being away from her for another month, and I know she’s been wanting a puppy.”    
  
“You’re spoiling her.” Alice laughed, shaking her head.    
  
“Maybe a little, but so do you and Nemo.” Killian grinned as he stood up and took his mother’s hand, leading her out onto the dance floor. A different song started up, and Killian began dancing with Alice, taking note of Emma and Mary Margaret sitting together at the table.

 

The rest of the reception passed by quickly, and as soon as they’d had some cake, Emma and Killian left, wanting to be alone together.    
  
“Today was perfect.” Emma said as she slipped out of her dress and laid down on the bed.    
  
“That’s because you deserve the best, love, and I intend to always give it to you.” Killian replied, pulling her into his arms and kissing her deeply. 

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian's heart gets one final fix, and this time is very different from the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjrfor her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

After the honeymoon, once Emma and Killian had returned from their travels, Killian received word that he was able to get a new heart, since some scans had shown an abnormality with Liam’s heart that wasn’t from drugs or any other kind of substance abuse. Emma had suspected it, but since she hadn’t been his doctor in a long time, another doctor had to perform the tests, to avoid signs of bias. No one knew why it had gone undetected, but it had, and because of the special circumstances, UNOS had pushed him to the top of the list. He called the local hospital and set up an appointment for his surgery for the next day, not wanting to leave it too long. Killian knew he would be there for a little while, waiting for a heart, and it was better for him to already be prepped for surgery instead of having to rush in and waste time later. 

“All ready for tomorrow?” Emma asked him as she settled beside him in bed, wearing one of his old t-shirts. Mia was with Alice for the night, since she’d be there for a couple of weeks while Killian was in the hospital. Nemo had been thrilled to spend time with his granddaughter, and Killian had no doubts that both Alice and Nemo would spoil Mia rotten. 

“Aye, love. I don’t feel nearly as nervous as I did the first time. Maybe because I’ve been through it before… Or maybe this time because it’s a completely different experience.” Killian replied, wrapping an arm around Emma and kissing her softly.

Everything was different now. Killian wasn’t alone like he had been for his first transplant. He had Emma, and the rest of his family, and he knew that they weren’t going to leave him. 

“This time, the heart will go through more extensive testing, to be sure there isn’t a single thing wrong with it. The doctor assured me of it.” Emma told him, massaging the back of his neck lightly. 

“Aye, I hope so. I want this to be the last time.” Killian said, closing his eyes under her firm touch. “That feels heavenly…” 

“Good. Now try to just relax and fall asleep. You look exhausted.” Emma urged, laying her head down on his chest, over his heart. 

“Aye, I haven’t been sleeping well lately.” Killian admitted, sighing softly. 

“What’s on your mind?” She asked, looking up at him. 

“Well, I know we said we weren’t going to actively try to have a baby, but we weren’t going to not try either. I’m wondering if something else is wrong with me.” Killian explained, closing his eyes again. 

“I don’t think it’s that. Your body is under a lot of stress. I’m sure once you’re healed, everything will be fine. We know the drugs had no lasting effect on anything but your heart, once you were clean.” Emma replied, trying to ease his worries. 

“I hope you’re right, love. Because I so desperately want to have a child with you.” Killian told her, meeting her eyes. 

“I want to have a child with you, too, but we have time. Plenty of time.” Emma soothed, kissing him tenderly. “Now try to sleep?” She encouraged, rubbing his back lightly. Killian nodded and tried to get comfortable and relax, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around Emma. She fell asleep quickly, while Killian remained awake all night, his mind preventing him from falling asleep. 

The next day, Killian was up and out of bed before anyone else, packing Mia’s bags before making breakfast for Emma and Mia. He himself wasn’t going to eat; the hospital had told him he wasn’t supposed to eat or drink anything until they said otherwise. 

After breakfast, Emma drove Mia to Alice’s house while Killian packed some things for himself; books, mostly, and underwear, things he would need in the hospital plus an outfit for when he was going to be released. It was easier to have it all on hand rather than send Emma back and forth constantly. 

“Ready?” Emma asked, standing in their bedroom door, watching him. “Mia’s at your mother’s house, all settled in and already being spoiled by Nemo.” She said with a grin as she walked closer and rubbed a hand up and down his back. “Now it’s time to get you off to the hospital, Killian.”

“Aye, Swan.” He nodded, closing up his small suitcase. “I’m ready.” Killian took a deep breath, then picked it up and followed her out to the car. 

Once they got to the hospital, Killian checked himself in and was taken up to a room immediately, then given a set of hospital pajamas and told to change. Getting changed quickly, Killian had his blood taken and an updated medical history taken as well, though nothing had changed from the last time he had been admitted.

Killian settled into the hospital bed, looking both vaguely irritated and incredibly nervous. He’d already been through the entire admission process, and now he was left to wait for whatever would come next. Emma was sitting in the chair beside his bed, their fingers laced together. 

“You okay, Killian?” Emma asked, reaching up to gently brush his hair back out of his eyes. 

“Aye, just nervous, love.” Killian reassured her, leaning over to kiss her cheek softly. 

“You’re going to be fine. And I’m going to be right next to you the whole time, okay?” Emma said, nuzzling him gently. “I promise.”

After the surgery, once Killian woke up, Emma was there with him, holding his hand in hers as she slept lightly in the chair beside his bed. 

“Swan…” He whispered, a small smile curving his lips. 

Emma startled awake, then stared at him for a moment before she kissed his forehead softly. “Welcome back, Killian. The surgery went well, the doctor said, and you can come home in two weeks, barring any complications. For now, just rest. You’re in good hands here.” She murmured, stroking his hair lightly. 

Two weeks later, Killian was ready to go home, ready to start his life completely and not look back. He was married to a wonderful woman, father to an amazing daughter, and he was happy for the first time in a long time.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killian and Emma finally get their happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of drug use and abuse, alcoholism, self-harm, potentially triggering. Please read at your own risk. As always, thanks to @downeystarkjr for her amazing art, @sambethe and the other mods for putting together this year’s CSBB, and the creators of the show and characters, and to all of you readers for your feedback!

“Tomorrow is Liam’s birthday.” Killian said quietly as he sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling off his t-shirt and tossing it aside. Emma looked up from the book she was reading, then put it on the nightstand and reached for him. 

 

“Do you want me to go to the cemetery with you?” She asked him gently, pulling Killian back onto the bed so his back was against her front. 

 

“No, at least not at first. I think it’s something I need to do alone. I haven’t ever visited him before.” Killian answered, giving her a soft smile. His eyes then fell on the ring that Emma was wearing, a simple gold band with three heart-shaped stones set into it. They had been married for two years now, and he remembered that day as clearly as if it had been yesterday.    
  
The next morning, Emma woke alone, but knew immediately where Killian had gone. She got Mia dressed quickly, then dressed herself and then drove off to the cemetery, asking the groundskeeper where Killian was. He pointed out the path to take, and she followed it, driving more slowly along the paved road. 

 

When she pulled up, Killian was at Liam’s grave, holding flowers and kneeling on the ground. Emma held back, holding Mia’s hand, watching him, her eyes softening slightly. He’d come a long way since he had first visited her office, the scared boy he’d been underneath all the drugs and alcohol and destructive behavior fading away slowly until he grew into a man, strong and sure of himself. Nemo had helped, but most of it was Killian himself, seeing that he couldn’t go on the way he had been living. 

 

Killian set the flowers down and then turned around, grinning as he saw Mia and Emma, holding his arms out. Mia ran to him, and he lifted her off the ground, swinging her up onto his shoulders before he kissed Emma tenderly.

“Hey, babe, you okay?” Emma asked, wrapping an arm around his waist. Killian nodded and kissed her cheek softly. 

“Aye, love, just saying goodbye and telling him my story after he died. Not that he doesn’t already know.” Killian said reassuringly. He’d been clean and sober for over five years, married for two, and his heart was strong and healthy. This time, he intended to keep it that way, because he now he had someone to live for. After setting the bouquet of flowers down, he turned and wrapped his arms around Emma, then began walking back to the car, moving towards the future and leaving the past behind in the cemetery. 

  
  



End file.
